Mending Walls

Warning!!!!
Should have broken this post up in parts but I had to get it out so its kinda long......my advice is to read in phases or over days whichever does it for you.


I woke up on Sunday with thoughts of sex.....I had no pretty words to describe the burn in my lions with which I had been battling since Wednesday last, and the rainy holiday did not provide much balm for my condition. When I couldn't deal anymore, when prayer for strength and the offending vibe to be ripped from my body like a devil child failed, I ran through a list of what I thought would have been willing partners who could perform the necessary function of taking the edge off.....I didn't want to fall again for the two beings I really desired. Though it felt good to go through my list I couldn't bring myself to make any calls cause I knew I wouldn't enjoy it, so I worked out.

After an hour or so of moaning and groaning from the stretching and muscle building I began to feel okay...it was like drinking nutmeg and water, it provided enough of a fix. When exhaustion threatened my ability to stand I had a shower helped my self and went straight to bed. As I drifted off I prayed to God tostills my mind and body so that the day would pass like several of the others before it, without incident/embarrassment.

I slept, not well but it was welcomed. While trying not to dream I heard a faint voice from beyond calling out to me.....the voice became louder and louder in the back of my mind and I marvelled at the power of the mind to create the situation it desired...it all seemed so real I thought, then I felt fingers caress my head and knew that it was not a dream. Natural instinct prompted me to jump from sleep to absolute fear as I realised that my room window was open and someone had touched me...I could feel my heart in my throat and the pounding in the back of my head was evidence that I was scared stiff.

Somehow amidst my panic I heard Boogie coaxing me to calm down...son of a bitch!! With a headache the size of St. Catherine I made my way to the door to let him in after putting on clothes of course. I repeated the word shit in my head as he tried to console me and apologise for the attempted murder. The increasing thud at my temples was too much to bear so I headed for the bed after telling him it was okay. I had recognised that he was dragging out the process of clearing out his stuff but I didn't care that day....I had hatched a plan to seduce him.

I listened to him rummage around in the store room as I put pressure on my temples and neck...he was banging everything possible and I knew he was perturbed. Like most tests the situation worsened, the sky opened up...fuck. This man knew the effects of the rain on me....I remember him sending messages to me in better days that he would require double time payment cause "man haffi work harder inna di rain".....I could see the gleam in his eyes as he sat beside me on the bed taking over the rubbing of my head and neck....like Pavlov's dog I melted into his touch and automatically made room for him beside me...it felt so good to feel him touch me again, the seeming care in his gentleness was almost heartbreaking. Thankfully I was lucid enough to realise the danger and I shuffled out of bed to get something for my head.

He handed me a glass of water when I emerged from the medicine chest with pills and I was too weak to pretend that I wasn't affected by him....with every rain drop on my window I felt desire rise within me and thought of how good it would be to feel him, touch him, suck him dry......he would know how to satisfy my soul if I gave in. As if sensing my dilemma he said he was leaving....I was crushed...could he really not want me after all this time...noway.....so I asked him for a hug. There was a moment of hesitation but that was all there was, a moment later I was gasping for air as his arms seemed to crush my ribcage in a tight embrace......I heard him exhale as I brushed my lips against the side of his neck and whispered "its just a hug, nothing more, just relax".....I didn't think it possible to be squeezed harder but he found new strength as he dipped down and gathered me even more into his arms...at that moment I knew he wanted me as much as I wanted him.

Feeling inspired by the hardness now resting against my stomach, I trailed kisses through his shirt across his chest....as I strung kisses together in a chain up to his neck I was overcome with a feeling of guilt and shame...it was enough to stop the process. I tried to speak when he asked what was wrong but words escaped me so I hugged him. He cupped my chin on my second attempt to release myself from the embrace, and kissed me long, hard and deep....it raised the demon in me again and I returned his kiss hungrily...my hand made its way to the usual place and it was almost orgasmic to hear him moan as my hand unzipped his pants and slid into his shorts for a skin to skin feel.

The kitchen counter was closest but I asked him if he could let me lay him down and make love to him....he agreed. When he slid my shorts down over my hips I was taken aback by my near violent reaction to his hand between my legs for the first time in three months.....I sprung an immediate leak.....he always knew how and what to do and I realised that he had overruled his own decision to make me make love to him, choosing instead to revel in my trembling and quivering under his touch.

I tried laying back and enjoying the intensity of it all but sanity crept in again and I felt foolish at the power this man had over me, so I stopped the progress again. I opted to have him just lay on top of me for a while and through kisses on his lips and forehead I introduced reason to the scenario and confessed that I was reluctant to go further because of what it would mean after (at the time I wasn't even sure what the hell it would mean, but I could feel the shift of power and knew that i would be fucked and fucked up in the end). He is usually pretty good with respecting my feelings but not that day....he held my waist firmly and pressed his body against mine and asked how it felt......the yes in the back of my throat was fighting to come out but the rhythm of my hips as he began to move answered the question......he stopped for a minute and looked me in the eyes and said that he would understand if it were simply about sex this time...he would be fine with it...all he wanted to do at that particular moment was feel the warmth of inside me.....I couldn't resist the ego stroke so I began to assault him again.

When I finally got on my knees having rubbed and sucked and tugged and bitten and kissed...he started inching in slowly....because my capacity for restraint had been depleted completely I proceeded to do my "go-go wine" knowing that he couldn't resist the temptation to plunge in deeper, quickly....pretty soon he matched every stroke and we were as one, moving in unison to a basic primal rhythm...he slapped my ass and I reached my hands behind me so that he could take the reigns while whispering dirty, filthy nothings until I could hold back no more.

With that out of the way I was free to concentrate on fucking him and fuck him I did.... I said the words I needed to say to spur him on and when he flipped me unto my back at the edge of the bed and stood firm and strong between my legs I offered up a treat befitting a king and watched his eyes flutter close as I milked him contracting and releasing to my pleasure. He was fighting to stay longer than I thought he could, so I decided to fuck him up.....he likes it when I tell him what to do and how and most importantly how it feels to me, so I provided direction and he followed my instructions well...we were always very good at communicating when in bed, its the clothes on communication that was never very good......so I asked him if he didn't miss the pussy, when he nodded I told him to open his eyes and look at what he was doing, look me in the eyes and tell me how much he missed it....I asked him if he really thought he could stay away from me and it......he responded with a deep thrust that caught me off guard and ripped a loud groan from my lips because of the painful pleasure....watching and feeling my reaction he pounced on the opportunity to state that it seemed that my new man couldn't fuck me.....I answered with a resounding "noway".... this was the truth, I have yet to find his better.

The session was long and I was thankful....in the end, I whispered how much I missed him and as I felt his grip on self diminishing, I encouraged him to "stop fucking like a school boy and leggo c--ky inna a bitch" and that was all it took....I listened to and appreciated his release muffled by his biting my leg which by now was perched on his chest....I was in heaven and I joined in moments after.

As I came down from the high and all my muscles spasmed uncontrollably, I felt him harden in me again and he delivered a session meant to take revenge.....it was hard and quick. Punishment was meted out...and while I like a lot of pain with my pleasure, it became too much but I expected it and couldn't back down...I stood up to the lesson being taught until he got it out of his system and reverted to a more tantalizing action where he asked again if my new man could fuck me....I answered honestly "not a bumboclaaught"..... and encouraged him to reach for the sugar deep inside me and chanted "reach dung deh fi it baby" until he came again.

This time as I descended from my high, tears flowed....I knew I wasn't suppose to do it. My tears seemed endless and when I tried to beat a hasty retreat to the bathroom to sob in peace he held me tightly against his chest....I cried even harder...damn. Now he knows that I'm hurting................I fell asleep in his arms for the first time in months, it felt so right. When I awoke the rain had stopped and he laid there peacefully wrapped up in me and I blamed it all on the rain....some people get crazy with a full moon, but me, I get crazier with the rain.....stupid I know, but its who I am.

I bid him goodbye that night with hope springing eternal in my breast that I wouldn't do much more foolishness in this time and that I wouldn't feel too badly when he doesn't call and that he wouldn't feel too badly when I returned the favour..........I remember always that it was sex, nothing more and nothing less.

Decisions

Like a moth to a flame I was drawn to cross instituted boundaries and now while I no longer long for the feel of a man, I am longing for more, much more from him......its unfair that months of work can be unravelled in one touch, one moment of real weakness, but should I continue to fight for control or can I just give in now....revert to the route well known, admit my failings, settle for "fuckship"?

I am hard to love....this I know.....and I'm even harder to like......the parts of him he is willing to give (owing to my untrustworthy nature) will not satisfy my soul, but it would stop a gap....... until I start playing again......could we survive another fling though????.....he at least gets me somewhat, and more importantly, I get him....Am I ready to abandon my life lesson in patience....have I mastered this art given the great teacherI had?....decisions , decisions

Longing

Today....I miss the feel of a man.

I miss running my lips and tongue over every contour of his body......I miss seeing his eyes flutter close as my finger tips play over his stomach, his pubic hair, along the sides of his balls and over the shaft, feeling the smoothness of the skin there. I miss the electric shock that visibly runs through his body as my nipples glide down his chest and further down too......I miss watching him bite his lips holding in the evidence of his enjoyment.......(sigh)

Other things missed include:

• The way his muscles spasm in that feel good moment
• The dryness of his lips when you come up for air and brush your lips against his
• My tongue sliding over his, reaching for that spot at the back of his throat
• Nibbling on his lips while I determine how much more pain he can take
• The sound of his breath catching as he tries to maintain his composure
• Taking a moment to admire my handy work and watching as his pulse returns to normal
• My asking him to fuck me after finally having enough of pleasing him
• Feeling and watching him work
• Being subdued and taught a lesson in love making
• Trying to think of something else so that his efforts are not rewarded too soon
• Him directing my action to maximize his stimulation
• Feeling each unsure thrust as he realises he can't hold it in much longer
• Him telling me he's gonna cum
• The motivation that is for me to join in the fun
• My name on his lips and his on mine as we climax and descend together
• Watching him fall asleep afterwards...stroking my hair and kissing my forehead as I play with the source of my pleasure
• Who I Used To Be.

Balancing

Human Beings have a difficulty maintaining balance sometimes. We get consumed by what we have been fed is right and wrong, our good and bad experiences interject and the allure of the ego stroke we feel when we think we have offered up the "right" advice fills us up and brings with it an inescapable feeling that having done so absolves us from our own sins somehow, all are intergral pillars of the stance we take at times.

But having balance is much more than conceptualizing notions based on biased feeling toward presumed injured parties. Rightly or wrongly we can only be one person at a time so putting oneself in another's shoe, while a tempting easy way out, can never really bring good outcome....indeed we have to be who we are at all times and sometimes people get hurt along our journey to find ourselves.

I accept that I may have a little more work to do than others but I also accept that I can only do it my way.......I am reminded of Maya Angelu's poem "And Still I rise"....words of wisdom for everyone....even those whose two cents have been contributed here without the benefit of full details, without an understanding that the parts represented here could never be the whole.

End of An Era

I didn't get the break I wanted from work but I will still try to deal with my reality issues even a little.

I'm still tired and getting tireda by the minute...suh it guh though.....I've got a lot to report but I can't find the words yet.......what I will say is that Boogie turned out to be unworthy of the pet name......he didn't believe in me enough....he didn't trust me to move beyond this distraction.......he didn't have enough faith in our love.....he doesn't love me anymore......its tough to think about, he made me into a woman...of sorts.....its hard to accept that he won't be a part of my life in that way anymore......we survived his wife and my first love, we survived more thin times than should have been permissible.....and now there's nothing.....how can there be nothing?

A part of me wants to run to him and ask the usual whys and hows and wrap myself in his arms as he breaks under the memories but pride is a bitch.....I know this is what I needed to have happen....it just hurts that's all.

Situations

I haven't really written in a while....I guess I haven't had a really good reason to......anger clouds everything, so I thought I would get this out before someone, thing or my damn self, pisses me off again.

Today I didn't want to be at work....I wanted to go swim, eat fish an' bammy and wash it all down with a cold Red Stripe....maybe even light up a spliff (I know someone out there will see this as confirmation of the stereotype but fuck it and him). Yep, I figure in a world where the agriculture minister can extol the virtues of the marijuana trade then I must play my part in supporting the call.

I'm tired......its been a hectic week; had to uncover great strength in a few challenging situations and a lapse in concentration led to error deed....add to all this the pressures of work and too short deadlines and you get an unfortunate 104 hrs. I keep thinking that if I could just focus enough I should be able to deal with it all.....it doesn't quite work out that way though....it doesn't work out anyway near that.......I guess that's why I'm angry all the time now....before it would be the week before and during that time of the month, leaving me a full 2 weeks to be almost rational, but now its 7 days a week, week after week. I am tired of it so I realise now that I need to take a break........just to cool out and hopefully tackle some of my reality issues so that when I return week after next at least these matters wont rest on my mind too much.

I should have known it would have been an angry week cause Boogie dropped by unannounced on Sunday......its funny how men just assume that women sit by pining over them when a break up happens, and that they can just stop by cause she definitely wouldn't have someone else over.......don't mind too much though cause I know he's thinking that I'm fucking around and this proves my innocence, at least somewhat.

When he got to the gate he called, I saw his number so I didn't answer....have to keep my guard up.......but he got me on the house phone 10 mins later. I let him in and immediately went into the living room, didn't want to be anywhere near the bed........we still couldn't talk but he asked for a hug and I was more than happy to give in being careful not to rub my cheek too much against his beard or press my hips to closely against his crotch........things have really changed.....he always knew how to make my blood boil and I do wish in future to partake of his skill but not now.......when the dust of our now defunct life settles, not while I'm still in love with him. I hope we can get to a point where making love is the only love we share cause he always knew how to do me......as I watched him leave I could only think about how much this SUCKS.

The Nemesis situation continued to be a bad one this week...he is hell bent on my telling him two or three claaught 'bout calling my boss on my phone.........I am gonna articulate again my wish for him not to do that. ........it shows in more ways than one that he has no respect for me and what I say and desire, so I will risk the professional disgrace and tell him to stop in very certain terms......after all she has work numbers and a cell phone too, so there is no need to interrupt my day when he clearly didn't wish to speak to me........why tease me with possibilities of dialogue.......I want the matter settled.......further, I don't call any of his underlings when I don't get him on his number...I accept that he doesn't want to speak to me and leave shit alone.

I wish I were one of those persons who didn't have to resort to extremes to break habits but I really am not....cold turkey is the best way to give shit up and the pain of it all reminds you when you think about falling again...eventually it will get better....he served his purpose, I needed a hell of a distraction to break Boogie's hold and now I need a less heavy but somewhat intense distraction to distract me from him...simple really but he makes me fuck around trying to find it and I'm much better than that...seriously, I am......so I will continue to workout and work, and pray that these measures are sufficient.

All in all it was the week from hell but I survived and will continue so to do.

Beautiful Things

- Waking up to birds outside your window after leaving work at 1 a.m. and getting to sleep at 3 a.m.

- The lunar eclipse the other day

- Coworkers who provide hugs upon request without questioning why its needed

- The first time your lips kiss a new distraction

- Recognising that if you can't get what you want, then get what you can get until it doesn't hurt anymore

- That first thrust which opens the passage after months of closure and the aaahhh feeling afterwards

- Lying about the skill to encourage performance

- The day aaahhhfter

Again .......ENOUGH

Who does this twice in a lifetime??????? Nobody........It seems my results in this matter will not be similar to that of 8 years prior and I will not get the prize.

Today has confirmed in my mind what he wants......he wants to play......he has played me.......clarity is provided yet again and I will go gently into the wind as always, as if there was never anything, as if he was never anything to me........he likes the attention....who wouldn't......he likes the thought of fucking with me, he has recognised that I am better played with than taken seriously, so he continues to double dip in hopes that the real object of his desire will acknowledge his advances, his proposals....he is a Jamaican man and one can never truly fetter a J'can man.

I will not pray for strength to restrain myself in this time of......, I will not hope for a better him or me to be......I will not try to not be affected by this development.........I will simply accept life and its harsh realities.