Life Lessons

They say every experience in life prepares you for a greater battle down the road......the truth of this statement is perplexing cause one wonders why lessons are so hard to learn or whether ones head is simply too tough to absorb the wisdom. Am I torn still?......NO. Do I wish I hadn't done what I did?.......YES. Have I learnt my lesson?......YES

What are the lessons?...... Patience is a virtue best reserved for rational beings; we all cannot be confined by logic and reason, right or wrong; running away never works cause you end up in the same place you began still unable to deal; the end sometimes justify the means; measuring up is a hard fought battle with no real winners; bredrens are as useful as distractions; distractions become problematic when you fear the larger issues you have; free will is not necessarily a good thing; games are best left to persons experienced enough in the rudiments of same; one should learn to communicate effectively cause failure to do so results in stupid silly actions which can never be erased; time is a friend; letting go is hard sometimes but necessary; intrigue is dangerous; anger should be controlled; true love needs commitment to nourish its constructive roll out; there is no greater thing than when a man loves a woman.

Managing Root Causes

New opportunities….same unwillingness to take action
New expectations……same results
New deeds….same reactions
Today is not so good….but then, which day really is?

I must admit that I am taking he Boogie breakup just a little too hard……..but this is what usually happens……he always hurts me more….I start thinking about how comfortable we were together, how good he felt in my arms and under me, and then I begin to wonder if I was too hasty, if maybe a little more time invested would yield the ‘right’ results…..an outcome you can feel good about being comfortable with.

I accept that I may have been the cause of most of the peripheral problems we had and I am sorry for some of it. Thankfully, up to this point I have managed, sometimes haphazardly, but managed I have…..I manage to push the memories of him to the back of my mind….I have managed to focus sometimes on only the bad stuff so that I can keep my resolve……I have managed to forget that I could win him back……he never was good at keeping me at arms length for too long…..I have managed to respect however that this is not what he wants.

Yep, I am managing…

The only thing I need to get rid of really are the thoughts of him as I drift off to sleep…the almost palpable feel of his body on mine, his hands on me, all over me……keeping him out of my dreams and being able to watch a football match without missing him by my side cheering for the other team, unless Harbour View a play, then we were united in our support for the stars from the east…..these are the only things I can’t seem to manage, well.

He still has my heart in the palms of his hands, pity I can’t convince him to stop squeezing the life out of it. It is for this reason I know the choice was right…..he would continue to hurt me and me to hurt him. …cause loving each other seems to hurt endlessly. I guess I should have known, passionate people in love will always have it hard….we know no other way, we feel cheated if the situation is not intense….its hard to trust the love to be all you need……..its hard to accept the infidelity cause you feel he belongs to you and you to him but it never really works out like that cause no one can really own another, so too soon you accept that we are but humans, weak more often than not…too soon you acknowledge that other people come into the mix sometimes, and though you may not love them, they fill that gap, they serve that purpose….too soon you stop expecting better from each other and get comfortable with the status quo….too soon you learn how to deal with the hurt and inflict some of your own.

This continues until one day while you are about to drift off to sleep after a few hours of love making…. one early morning when you have a thing in the country in 4 hrs and your body and eyes ache from the party the night before…..when you are in that nook you hear him ask if you would marry him…..

You almost get a stroke cause he knows your history, he knows your stance on this issue…you are taken aback…..then you start thinking about the fact that you kinda knew it was coming but you still thought there was consensus on the issue….then you almost run from the bed and him to the safety of your own home, but you recognize that that would hurt him too much, so instead of dealing with the problem like an adult, you pretend to be asleep and hope its convincing. He accepts your concentrated even breathing as sleep and settles in behind you and falls asleep with you wrapped in his arms….you feel like shit……you pray it was just a fluke and that after some sleep you won’t have to deal with the matter.

Your mind and body race in the morning as you scamper around to leave the house not too late so that you can be relatively early for your country appointment…..in the back of your mind though, you wonder whether he was really serious. Eventually you convince yourself that he wasn't while the hours pass and he doesn't mention the matter as he drives you to your destination, to leave you for a night.

You manage to put it out of your head as he hugs and kisses you goodbye…..and when you pull him back for a "real, real" hug and kiss as people look on in the lobby….you think that the we, we are is sufficient. You are fine until you realize that you are indeed early and have some more time to think too much about the reasons why you shouldn't ruin the love you share with marriage….that both of you are so unprepared…..that you know you will always have a battle with fidelity and adultery is a biiig sin…..these thought flutter through your mind as you try to prepare for the retreat sessions ahead. You enter the conference room and subconsciously you acknowledge the perfect opportunity to prove to Boogie that you are not worth it.

The seeds of deception form in your mind and things start coming together nicely…he flirts, you flirt and somewhere between the long day, the nice dinner, the long talk after giving you a lesson in playing pool and getting to bed at 3 a.m. after you’ve gotten him to fake an orgasm over the phone, you convince yourself further that there would be no harm if you engage in another little game….you accept that it would be a useful tool for running away from your problems.

The only thing you didn’t count on was that the distraction would be so intriguing…..that he would be a better player than you, that he would tickle your fancy by not allowing you to steam roll over him….that he would cause you to think about whether it was worth it.

You convince yourself that anything would be worth proving your fallibility and that you could never really be ready for love and marriage…. It provided an opportunity to prove that you are better taken in parts or not at all and that it would be unfair to ask any man to love you and stay with you with soooo many faults.

In the end you accept that you are and will continue to be a silly selfish girl….you accept that some people in this life were made for love and family and the white picket fence dream, and others were simply made to pursue the baser passion that run through all our veins….you acknowledge in the end that some of us were made for fucking and fucking around and that for these people love can be so deep that it consumes you, but it simply is not and never could be enough.

Loss

I am getting tired of people asking me about what accounts for my loss of weight...its annoying to keep repeating the lie of "taking a decision to eat healthier" or "just finally getting a little constructive exercise". I am getting tired of people using me as a beacon, a role model, for effecting personal change......but how does one slip into polite convcersation that you are gourging yourself on a steady diet of brokenheart and a conscious decision to stop fucking, and fucking around so frivolously so that the puss and dog them weh a tek libatty cause dem know seh dem did play yuh can stop be so damn smug....it doesn't quite seem something people would want to consume and digest.

So I tell a half truth and peoples are motivated….I am motivated, to eat healthier and get more exercise…..it all works out in the end…..this may be the one constructive contribution I make to mankind.

They don’t have to know you consider the heart as comprising only two chambers……one half takes care of the mundane task of keeping the body functions going…..but its the other half that really keeps you alive…..in this chamber love resides……no human can exist without the nourishment this chamber provides……in this chamber our capacity for relationships abide, and relationships are the life blood of the livity, whether family, friendships or otherwise (I could find no one word to convey the depth of emotion required to categorize the man/woman interaction).

If both chambers are functioning efficiently then the human is whole, constructively functional, lucid, uninterrupted. This is why God is so good, cause only a loving God could set it so that one half of the heart would always function at 60% while you process the emptiness you feel when there is no love….yeah, he has made it so you can maintain some operational effectiveness which could be construed to be a life while you pick up the pieces and grow up a little….God truly is a good God……if only he could make it so that not loving Boogie wouldn’t hurt so much…..then I could actually entertain other options….in a non-destructive manner.

He doesn’t even talk to me anymore, and I think its unfair……I mean, Tuesday I was sick all day and in the night when I thought the pain would break me in two, I called….he didn’t answer. In days gone by he would have been by my side quicker than I could think possible……he doesn’t love me anymore…..he is still the only one I think of running to if I’m in need….he would rub my tummy and make me soup….how then can he not care if I'm sick...how could he not love me anymore......he won’t even give me a chance to explain……

Clarity

A player is a player is a player....it would be nice to experience true love one of these days, but one can never really have true love without total trust.....so until then I will live by my flawed rules for life.



Playing feels better when you lead your opponent....if you're not leading then you are miserable......you know the truth but out of a strange need for punishment or whatever, you push it to the back of your mind because your thoughts are clouded by what you want. Not for a minute do you acknowledge that 'little thing' you can't quite put your finger on and every time it rolls in like a wave of reason you shut it down with memories of how good he felt on you or how well he manipulated your body parts.....you don't think about the fact that you only get to feel him once or twice....you don't think about the fact that these moments of bliss only provide momentary relief....you forget that for the other 28 days in the month you are in hell.

This persists until one day you hear something and the clarity it provides is overwhelming....the blinkers are removed from your eyes and you stand naked, uninhibited by the obsession as you see the situation for what it really is... as you accept that there is nothing, there was never anything.....you got played.

Then you feel you will die from embarrassment over your prior stupidity and actions every time you share space.......you acknowledge that he has earned the right to add you to his scrap book with its neatly pressed pages and bits and pieces of articles once cherished.....you realise and accept though that the prizes ultimately get replaced when the need to conquer greater beings kicks in.

You realise with a bang that you won't be able to claim a similar victory in this game and therefore cannot add him to your own scrap book.....Then you reflect and think too much as you also accept that your only real talent is fucking and though the thought of saving mankind one session at a time is pleasing, you understand that its not rocket science and therefore cannot give you the recognition you need that you were a functional and useful part of this existence.

Clarity is a wonderful tool for reflection I've found, cause now I am stripped of delusion and can finally see what I did wrong......on both scores. Re: Boogie, you think about how many more times he will be nice and forgive the error, but also you wonder if this is really what you want cause what do you do when you feel he doesn't love you anymore or that he doesn't love you enough to take care of you forever. It is then that you acknowledge that he hurts more than any distraction could, and that while fucking around on him hurts you too, loving him hurts more so while you would love to say yes to him and surrender the reigns with unwavering trust...you remember that he has hurt you before and he will again.

Upon greater introspection and reflection you also determine that Distractions are useful sometimes but there is no scope for return from the embarrassment caused when you finally accept that it really was you who got played, cause both parties really couldn't care about each other. You conclude that though some distractions give you sleepless nights even strong infatuations come to an end.

Through all this clarity you are also clear on the fact that young impressionable youths should be inoculated against the affliction of LOVE until they are 33 and have been exposed to a lesson in patience, trust, your limits and acceptance that you are stupid and foolish in matters of the heart.