Clarity

A player is a player is a player....it would be nice to experience true love one of these days, but one can never really have true love without total trust.....so until then I will live by my flawed rules for life.



Playing feels better when you lead your opponent....if you're not leading then you are miserable......you know the truth but out of a strange need for punishment or whatever, you push it to the back of your mind because your thoughts are clouded by what you want. Not for a minute do you acknowledge that 'little thing' you can't quite put your finger on and every time it rolls in like a wave of reason you shut it down with memories of how good he felt on you or how well he manipulated your body parts.....you don't think about the fact that you only get to feel him once or twice....you don't think about the fact that these moments of bliss only provide momentary relief....you forget that for the other 28 days in the month you are in hell.

This persists until one day you hear something and the clarity it provides is overwhelming....the blinkers are removed from your eyes and you stand naked, uninhibited by the obsession as you see the situation for what it really is... as you accept that there is nothing, there was never anything.....you got played.

Then you feel you will die from embarrassment over your prior stupidity and actions every time you share space.......you acknowledge that he has earned the right to add you to his scrap book with its neatly pressed pages and bits and pieces of articles once cherished.....you realise and accept though that the prizes ultimately get replaced when the need to conquer greater beings kicks in.

You realise with a bang that you won't be able to claim a similar victory in this game and therefore cannot add him to your own scrap book.....Then you reflect and think too much as you also accept that your only real talent is fucking and though the thought of saving mankind one session at a time is pleasing, you understand that its not rocket science and therefore cannot give you the recognition you need that you were a functional and useful part of this existence.

Clarity is a wonderful tool for reflection I've found, cause now I am stripped of delusion and can finally see what I did wrong......on both scores. Re: Boogie, you think about how many more times he will be nice and forgive the error, but also you wonder if this is really what you want cause what do you do when you feel he doesn't love you anymore or that he doesn't love you enough to take care of you forever. It is then that you acknowledge that he hurts more than any distraction could, and that while fucking around on him hurts you too, loving him hurts more so while you would love to say yes to him and surrender the reigns with unwavering trust...you remember that he has hurt you before and he will again.

Upon greater introspection and reflection you also determine that Distractions are useful sometimes but there is no scope for return from the embarrassment caused when you finally accept that it really was you who got played, cause both parties really couldn't care about each other. You conclude that though some distractions give you sleepless nights even strong infatuations come to an end.

Through all this clarity you are also clear on the fact that young impressionable youths should be inoculated against the affliction of LOVE until they are 33 and have been exposed to a lesson in patience, trust, your limits and acceptance that you are stupid and foolish in matters of the heart.