Managing Root Causes

New opportunities….same unwillingness to take action
New expectations……same results
New deeds….same reactions
Today is not so good….but then, which day really is?

I must admit that I am taking he Boogie breakup just a little too hard……..but this is what usually happens……he always hurts me more….I start thinking about how comfortable we were together, how good he felt in my arms and under me, and then I begin to wonder if I was too hasty, if maybe a little more time invested would yield the ‘right’ results…..an outcome you can feel good about being comfortable with.

I accept that I may have been the cause of most of the peripheral problems we had and I am sorry for some of it. Thankfully, up to this point I have managed, sometimes haphazardly, but managed I have…..I manage to push the memories of him to the back of my mind….I have managed to focus sometimes on only the bad stuff so that I can keep my resolve……I have managed to forget that I could win him back……he never was good at keeping me at arms length for too long…..I have managed to respect however that this is not what he wants.

Yep, I am managing…

The only thing I need to get rid of really are the thoughts of him as I drift off to sleep…the almost palpable feel of his body on mine, his hands on me, all over me……keeping him out of my dreams and being able to watch a football match without missing him by my side cheering for the other team, unless Harbour View a play, then we were united in our support for the stars from the east…..these are the only things I can’t seem to manage, well.

He still has my heart in the palms of his hands, pity I can’t convince him to stop squeezing the life out of it. It is for this reason I know the choice was right…..he would continue to hurt me and me to hurt him. …cause loving each other seems to hurt endlessly. I guess I should have known, passionate people in love will always have it hard….we know no other way, we feel cheated if the situation is not intense….its hard to trust the love to be all you need……..its hard to accept the infidelity cause you feel he belongs to you and you to him but it never really works out like that cause no one can really own another, so too soon you accept that we are but humans, weak more often than not…too soon you acknowledge that other people come into the mix sometimes, and though you may not love them, they fill that gap, they serve that purpose….too soon you stop expecting better from each other and get comfortable with the status quo….too soon you learn how to deal with the hurt and inflict some of your own.

This continues until one day while you are about to drift off to sleep after a few hours of love making…. one early morning when you have a thing in the country in 4 hrs and your body and eyes ache from the party the night before…..when you are in that nook you hear him ask if you would marry him…..

You almost get a stroke cause he knows your history, he knows your stance on this issue…you are taken aback…..then you start thinking about the fact that you kinda knew it was coming but you still thought there was consensus on the issue….then you almost run from the bed and him to the safety of your own home, but you recognize that that would hurt him too much, so instead of dealing with the problem like an adult, you pretend to be asleep and hope its convincing. He accepts your concentrated even breathing as sleep and settles in behind you and falls asleep with you wrapped in his arms….you feel like shit……you pray it was just a fluke and that after some sleep you won’t have to deal with the matter.

Your mind and body race in the morning as you scamper around to leave the house not too late so that you can be relatively early for your country appointment…..in the back of your mind though, you wonder whether he was really serious. Eventually you convince yourself that he wasn't while the hours pass and he doesn't mention the matter as he drives you to your destination, to leave you for a night.

You manage to put it out of your head as he hugs and kisses you goodbye…..and when you pull him back for a "real, real" hug and kiss as people look on in the lobby….you think that the we, we are is sufficient. You are fine until you realize that you are indeed early and have some more time to think too much about the reasons why you shouldn't ruin the love you share with marriage….that both of you are so unprepared…..that you know you will always have a battle with fidelity and adultery is a biiig sin…..these thought flutter through your mind as you try to prepare for the retreat sessions ahead. You enter the conference room and subconsciously you acknowledge the perfect opportunity to prove to Boogie that you are not worth it.

The seeds of deception form in your mind and things start coming together nicely…he flirts, you flirt and somewhere between the long day, the nice dinner, the long talk after giving you a lesson in playing pool and getting to bed at 3 a.m. after you’ve gotten him to fake an orgasm over the phone, you convince yourself further that there would be no harm if you engage in another little game….you accept that it would be a useful tool for running away from your problems.

The only thing you didn’t count on was that the distraction would be so intriguing…..that he would be a better player than you, that he would tickle your fancy by not allowing you to steam roll over him….that he would cause you to think about whether it was worth it.

You convince yourself that anything would be worth proving your fallibility and that you could never really be ready for love and marriage…. It provided an opportunity to prove that you are better taken in parts or not at all and that it would be unfair to ask any man to love you and stay with you with soooo many faults.

In the end you accept that you are and will continue to be a silly selfish girl….you accept that some people in this life were made for love and family and the white picket fence dream, and others were simply made to pursue the baser passion that run through all our veins….you acknowledge in the end that some of us were made for fucking and fucking around and that for these people love can be so deep that it consumes you, but it simply is not and never could be enough.