I am PMSing and so am reeeeeally depressed right now....it seems only yesterday I was sharing a post on this issue.....I guess time flies when you are well.....Not a good day as evidenced by my continued disregard for Caesar's time as I post updates to this blog.
I am thinking about a job change......this would be a good idea if only it wouldn't appear as though I am running away from myself, from him and now my boss.
I was stark raving mad on Tuesday, I won't go into details.....partly because I am a little embarrassed about my behaviour and partly because it shows how much I've not matured.......when I was growing up I had the worst temper you could imagine...people literally feared me....I fought...a lot .......in primary school (not sure what that is for the rest of the world but its where you spend ages 5 to 11 or 12) I would fight kids younger than me, older than me, boys, girls...you name it I would smack them silly if they crossed me...of course it helped having a big brother on the compound should the task prove too overwhelming.
This affliction carried over into my high school years, only I had replaced my fists with my tongue and damn did it sting. I even affected a teacher so much that at a PTA meeting she told my mom that she didn't like how I looked at her......she was right too, I didn't like her and it showed....she was a bitch......she couldn't fault my school work...but for French which I must admit to having being left behind in since second form (8th grade fro some of you).....but she would pick on me a lot....but I had a way with my peers and could orchestrate any interruptions to her class I wanted, so we played a game of "who's really in control" on many occasions.
Forgive me, I digressed....... as I made it through University however, and in my formative working years I became a lot more tolerant of people....it really would take something serious to get me pissed the way I used to......and I was glad for it....I had grown up...finally. A part of me always missed that me though.
Anyway, Tuesday I was so upset that I couldn't even mask it...I would pass people and instantly they would ask what's wrong......my young colleague was also unfortunate to have not picked up on the obvious signs...the errors of youth...and I lashed at him so much that I had to apologise and ask him to leave me be for a while....I was still vexed in the morning so I knew I had to focus energy on caging this self so that some semblance of normalcy could be returned...... isn't it uncanny that people see you and just assume you will take and take and take all their bullshit...... until one day you straighten them out and you are the one in the hot water because the person holds your fate in there hands.
For those of you wondering, I should interject here and say that it wasn't him who had pissed me off...it was a challenge to my intelligence and work image which spawned the monster. It was so bad that a senior colleague of mine when he came to check on me, felt safer to do so with only his head in the door for fear hat he wouldn't be able to escape if he had come in further......So yes...I was stark raving mad. I was saddened as I realised that i had not progressed as much as I thought I had in this area.
My other obstacle in this endeavour for change is that I don't interview well....I mean I reeeeally don't interview well. I get nervous and my mind goes to mush. I know I am a bit too old for that but its me, and I also know that the only way to get over it is to practice, practice, practice but man its hard. I have been thinking about starting my own company...I love cars and all the bits that make them up......I also love photography but can't take a good picture to save my life....and of course I haven't made my first $10Million yet so to leave work to study photography isn't an option......it would be nice though to feed my creative side for a change.....so many people I know manage to deal in both worlds, having their 9-5 and expressing themselves in one creative mold or another...for cash......but I was never a multitasker unless it has to do with sex...and that profession is not where I want it to be as yet...legalize it I say...legalize it.....make it respectable then I would have no difficulty...I would be out of here so fast it would make my head spin.
I need to move out of my boss' shadow though....we are two creative beings heading to a showdown......in a battle that I cannot win...she is brighter than a motha...effer...so my only option may be to carve out my own niche elsewhere. Did I mention that it would be good to also get away from this man...I don't trust myself around him...hell I don't even know myself around him.....Hmmmmm.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Almost Caught
The heart pounds, the mind rambles as you scan the premises for a good place....if only you could hide behind a former self.
You hope and pray he hadn't glimpsed you, you cross you fingers and toes in hopes that today would not be the day to deal. In an instant you convince yourself that you have escaped, you've made it, then as you are about to unveil yourself again, having hoped you had been successful in assuming chamaeleonlike characteristics and blended into the concrete, you realise that he's still there...waiting.
You can't turn back now....damn why didn't you drive over, you scold......the distance is lessening, what will you say, how will you act, ten more feet and you will have to swallow the lump in your throat and actually speak......where is your saviour you wonder, let something, someone, anything intercept him, intercept you.....it doesn't matter who or what.....You see a colleague you concentrate on moving him through telekinesis to your side...it doesn't work....you call out Hi.....he stops, thank goodness, you shake hands and socially embrace, and you realise that you are saved...you look over his shoulder and realize that he has gone....whew.
You think to yourself that that was too close.....and you hope that you will only have to deal like this on very few more occasions, until you are healed......for now you are calm because the coward you are lives to fight another day.
You hope and pray he hadn't glimpsed you, you cross you fingers and toes in hopes that today would not be the day to deal. In an instant you convince yourself that you have escaped, you've made it, then as you are about to unveil yourself again, having hoped you had been successful in assuming chamaeleonlike characteristics and blended into the concrete, you realise that he's still there...waiting.
You can't turn back now....damn why didn't you drive over, you scold......the distance is lessening, what will you say, how will you act, ten more feet and you will have to swallow the lump in your throat and actually speak......where is your saviour you wonder, let something, someone, anything intercept him, intercept you.....it doesn't matter who or what.....You see a colleague you concentrate on moving him through telekinesis to your side...it doesn't work....you call out Hi.....he stops, thank goodness, you shake hands and socially embrace, and you realise that you are saved...you look over his shoulder and realize that he has gone....whew.
You think to yourself that that was too close.....and you hope that you will only have to deal like this on very few more occasions, until you are healed......for now you are calm because the coward you are lives to fight another day.
Truth
September 27, 2007
This is my moment of truth. I will release my shackled mind and unleash the worrisome ramblings trapped therein.
Its 9:19 at night , and I am almost there. One more day and I would have accomplished my goal. The fact that he hasn't called undoubtedly made it easier to get through this week, but the fact that I have sat on my hands and barred them from the telephone key pad has also played its part in making this sweeter...safer.
He hasn't called. All my thoughts have been filled with this reality. It was just a ploy.
I think I am safe? Right?.....Can he use Monday against me?......Did I give up too much ground?.....Did I show too much of me?....Does he now know how much I .......care. have I answered my own question? Is this the concretization of the end?
I am glad I didn't rush my actions this time...I did not seize the moment and make the second move. One more 24 hrs. and I will be able to, in a rare display, fly my victory flag instead of hanging my head in oppressed surrender.
This is my moment of truth. I will release my shackled mind and unleash the worrisome ramblings trapped therein.
Its 9:19 at night , and I am almost there. One more day and I would have accomplished my goal. The fact that he hasn't called undoubtedly made it easier to get through this week, but the fact that I have sat on my hands and barred them from the telephone key pad has also played its part in making this sweeter...safer.
He hasn't called. All my thoughts have been filled with this reality. It was just a ploy.
I think I am safe? Right?.....Can he use Monday against me?......Did I give up too much ground?.....Did I show too much of me?....Does he now know how much I .......care. have I answered my own question? Is this the concretization of the end?
I am glad I didn't rush my actions this time...I did not seize the moment and make the second move. One more 24 hrs. and I will be able to, in a rare display, fly my victory flag instead of hanging my head in oppressed surrender.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Revelations
I was agitated upon entering my Office today....I had conversed with myself the better part of the pre-arrival period about my deadlines which had slipped and the cause for same, the anger I have been displaying without control and the need for me to return to a prosperous and productive self.
As I started my day, my focus was diminished by the the usual culprit and I was caught again exploring the contents of this blog. The phone rang and it dawned on me that I needed to actually get 10 things done today, and so I will, after this.
I turned off my air conditioning unit and was surprised at I what heard......I enjoyed a symphony being offered by the birds outside my window....it was a beautiful medley and I reflected on how sweet the simple things are in this life. I took a walk outside and observed the sky, the hills and the lush trees which surrounded me, and I thought to myself that I was blessed to be a part of this wonderful creation.
As I started my day, my focus was diminished by the the usual culprit and I was caught again exploring the contents of this blog. The phone rang and it dawned on me that I needed to actually get 10 things done today, and so I will, after this.
I turned off my air conditioning unit and was surprised at I what heard......I enjoyed a symphony being offered by the birds outside my window....it was a beautiful medley and I reflected on how sweet the simple things are in this life. I took a walk outside and observed the sky, the hills and the lush trees which surrounded me, and I thought to myself that I was blessed to be a part of this wonderful creation.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Better Must Come
I will try tomorrow to post something without expletives....I have waded in these waters for too long...comfort is setting in and with it an unmistakable reluctance to exercise my mind more to express myself. 'Til the morrow.....when the sun is high and I show yet again that I am unconcerned with showing respect for company time.
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