I found a distraction.....I spent a weekend of love, reconnecting with old feelings I always had for the man in my heart. We made new memories and I thought of how good we were together. Why do we continue to play each other, then? Why can't he keep it in his pants and why can't I fight the need to take revenge every time he slips into another? Love is hard.

We do the dance, he thinks I am lying, I think he's lying, but we've managed to go 9 years with just a few hiccups, roadblocks, parting of ways in the mix....but how I feel for this man is as obvious as the contrast of night on day.....he knows me inside and out and he can weave me into shapes, states and forms in a way no other can even venture to do...he has me lock, stock and barrel and he knows......more importantly he knows the potency of my own hold over him and this works for us.

We are getting older though and the game is no longer as amusing and titilating as it once was ......(as is demonstrated by my ineptitude in dealing with this latest fling)........ I keep thinking that the time might be drawing nigh for him to dispense with my fobia about marriage and pop the question.......expecting of course an answer in the affirmative......the funny thing is, while my throat still gets tight at the thought of spending the rest of my life with one man, my heart has wrapped itself around the idea with effortless ease and I am left to choose which master to serve, my feeling nature or my mind.

Today in the Caribbean is a day that we have been trying to bottle and sell to tourists as the ideal. Today is the right day for a dip in the river down the hill, or a short jaunt over to Hellshire to laze in the summer beach setting and have some escovitch fish and fried bammy. Today is a day that babies could be conceived if only one could drag oneself out of the hammock neatly strung between the ackee and mango trees. The breeze is light but provides ample barrier to a sun anxious to show its brilliance, the mountains are alive with colour and the soft serenade of birds lull you into sleep submission with a smile. Oh to relax....to breathe in the island spice, to listen to the rustle of the trees as nature caresses every leaf......yes....today is the day to remember how blessed we are, and how valuable the simple life can be.

I have always disapproved of the circulated artificial motto of my homeland but today I can see why it came into being, because at this moment nothing is truer, nothing resonates more with me right now....No Problem indeed.

Saluting Hope

Words of wisdom in the form of an anonymous comment flowed into my consciousness yesterday, like a messenger from God, confirming previous thoughts I had buried because of an ill fated will to get my trophy. I was grateful for the input and in my usual impetuousness I thought to follow....its amazing how little a part age plays in the process of maturity, because at this age I thought I would be able to make the right decisions and follow my head, which had always red flagged my entering into this situation, but like a child I continue to disobey in my pursuit.

I blame OCD....it makes me feel better so to say....it would exercise my psyche too much were I to leave this matter unfinished.....though I can't help thinking that I would be unamused if the judgement were to not come out in my favour.

I know what I need to do to alleviate this pregnant pause in my life......its doing it that's the problem. I am confident though that the day will come when all this will be like a floating crude memory.....things and times are changing that may make and commit to the decision for me.

Fraustration

I have often wondered about the man-woman phenomenon, but often dismissed the matter as too overwhelming for a simple mind such as mine to comprehend. I have determined that life is made up of ebbs and flows, and that men and woman do this waltz to two separate beats. For example, men are content to not even consider their own feelings in matters of the heart, while women make themselves sick with psycho analysis of moments that could have gone better and things to say or do to bring about a desired reaction, creation of alternate realities where the control rests with them and they are able to plan, plot and chart the course.

I am woman, I have plotted, charted and planned several courses to get what I want from this unnamed experience I am going through and I have lost every single time. Of course it could be that he is just that good, in control, elusive, but still I convince myself that no man could withstand all this without feeling...even a little...right? I think he enjoys the attention, which man wouldn't, but is embattled within weighing the consequences of his actions or a misstep. He is caught up and a slave to appearances, he, in his mind, has the right job, the right wife, the right lifestyle....and I have never been a stickler for those fan dangles......so I pose a threat. He wants to indulge, but in the event that there is a breach of confidentiality, will he be able to survive....I don't care...I just want to be in sustained control for once...

I know, I sound like the devil who has not thought about the sin we would commit and the burning of our souls afterwards. I feel like Eve in the garden of Eden and I am hoping that my result will be as good as hers. But, I have thought of this and it saddens me immensely. I am only human though and usually this passes but I will continue to work on it. I have asked the Lord to help me out, of course my reasons for so doing are not all honourable, for I want to not commit the sin because it is wrong, yes, but also because it will allow me to not get caught up in love.

They say God knows the heart, and he knows that I am not serious about stopping for the right reasons. I wish I could stop though...even if its just to ensure that my heart and senses remain protected and I don't make an absolute fool of myself, thereby creating a situation where he feels constrained to look at or talk to me even about business. But he keeps sending me mixed signals and I feel I am getting pretty damn close to being unkind, so assistance or clarification had better be around the corner.

How can I not be interested though, when for the first time I have happened upon a target who seems immune to my special brand of sensuality....at the very least he should want to @$#%*^ me. How can he not be as interested as I am? It boggles my mind, but for this reason I know I am on dangerous ground. I want him to want me so much it hurts.....I want him to want me enough to not be satisfied with conversation every so often...I want him to want me so much he would say the words, seek me out, play by my rules.

I know I cannot achieve this unless there is distance put between us, unless I am patient, unless I stop trying to rush him....but I am not patient...I am at times, but not all the time. I thought this blog would help me to deal with this excess energy which is reserved only for him....but its not helping. I have thought about getting a distraction from this man, but I know it wouldn't work...I am too obsessive....I want what I want, nothing will take its place.

Have a Little Faith In Me

Like a bride with no oil in her lamp I missed an opportunity on Friday to plunge myself even deeper into sin.....I would have at the drop of a hat too. For the first time you broke your own rule and called me, unfortunately, way too late. The kinda call that both parties know is meant to convey just one thing....I want you now.

In a tale of two unfortunate moves you didn't coax me into awakening so you allowed the moment to pass, probably thinking that it was not meant to be and that you were being saved from yourself. Had you waited one/two/three minutes more you would have roused me from my slumber and I would have sprung into action like Nancy Drew on her latest caper.

Again, the speed with which you dismiss me is the source of our contention....your inability to lose control is a barrier to mutually beneficial outcomes.....

How many more opportunities will I give him before I wake up?