Hurt Dissection

I have realized that as much as words may hurt......silence hurts even more. Now I wish I hadn't fallen prey to the plot of the Friday 13th imp and made that contact, because now all I can do is kick myself for having tried.

I have also realized that being a woman is not something you can turn your back on, inevitably you hurt like any other, no matter how much of a tomboy, player, vixen you are.......you hurt like the rest of them when the right buttons are pressed......your heart is susceptible just because you are a woman....and its not that your head isn't telling you to stop the rubbish...you hurt until you can't hurt anymore, but even then you still manage to put yourself into positions which cause you to have to manage more and more pain.....the only redemption is that nothing, no condition in this life lasts forever.

D-Day

Friday the 13th. I really have nothing to report however I thought it would be remiss of me to have this extraordinary day pass without my making a comment on its import.

Today I think the portals of the darkside are allowed to roam this land and reek havoc on its inhabitants without too much hoopla being created. It is accepted that on this day bad things happen so we go about our lives knowing that at any moment in this 24 hrs we could be struck with an unfortunate happening....and we seem comfortable with that. For those of us who believe in God we can combat any series of evil happenings with our faith in God's protection.

Already, despite my belief in my Lord's protection, I have exercised my will and bowed to temptation. The events this week which have orchestrated my path crossings with this man were simply too much and too weird...I worked late last night only to find that he had to deliver something to my boss, who was working late too. I mean...come the hell on. So of course he popped in to say Hi. The Lord still provided me protection as we were unable to get beyond that point owing to the entrance of my boss shortly after his arrival. Thank goodness, I know I would have gotten carried away....patience has not been my friend this week...... thereby breaking my covenant.

Moments between us did not pass as smoothly as they could have; there was some erotic pandering as he asked for a piece of gum...which I was of course already chewing....and I felt compelled to live up to my temptress nature so I slightly exposed the sweet between my lips as an offering. The company we were in did not permit him to bite, but he noticed my intention and winked it away......I would say that the desired effect was achieved.

I wish I could get over this nasty part so that I could really have some fun with him...he is as playful as I am.

Mending Walls

I had a rough night though.....a part of me wanted to scream and kick myself for not answering his call the day before yesterday, but my head tells me that I made the right decision....he needs to know that I am not at his beck and call. So I am left to pour out these feelings into the world wide web with a view to extricating myself from these emotions.

I got caught again yesterday.......in a teleconference this time. Man, if I knew all I had to do to hear from him was try to not hear from him I would have tried this a long time ago....but I think progress is being made in getting back to a good working relationship. I unfortunately was in physical pain and short tempered to boot, so in many instances I was clipped.......thankfully I wasn't the only party on this side who was visibly and audibly angry so I am hoping he did not read my ire wrongly. I realize now that it is true that one can never really regain respect once lost.

Music, Beautiful Music

So I bought John Legend's first Album last night....I knew that one song, you know "Ordinary People" but I was surprised at how much this little fellow captures the musings of a cheating heart. He is goooooood.

I was captivated by his articulation of how things really happen sometimes and indeed, that its not about not loving your partner or being careless its just that some people move you in a particular....below the navel way and you may wish to take a sample.....your partner doesn't have to know, not because of the consequences of our actions, but the fact that it has nothing to do with them, literally.....its like an alternate universe. I think I will get his sophomore album today....hope I am not too disappointed, follow up albums tend to not live up to expectations e.g Lauryn Hill's second attempt.

Other "moving" songs on the album:

"She Don't have to know"
"I can change"
"Live it up"
"Lets get Lifted Again"
"So High"

The latter two fully expresses the creativity of a mind altered by the smoke of an inspirational control substance.

Victory???

Why is it that when you seek to do the right thing, that's when all the temptation in the world comes to visit and stay a while with you?

In an attempt to reorganize and cast myself in a mould that is distinctly divorced from that which I have been committed to over the past few months, I ordered my steps and turned my back on the forbidden fruit I wished......with all my might......to be resident in my garden. I bobbed and weaved my way out of meetings...even took a day from work to escape being across the table from this man, but alas like an ant to work it was inevitable that our paths would cross.

I don't know if Venus was in alignment with Saturn but all my attempts to avoid star crossings were rebuffed by impish meddlings and I was left like a lamb to the slaughter in the quasi...thank God....company of the source of my distress and he was in true form.

To excuse myself would have been too obvious, we all have to eat....I was told.....and as I watched the query on my boss' face I knew I was stuck. So again I sat trapped by his eyes, which I could feel pattern my every move, he was playing that game....the game that we played in better times only this time I knew the stakes were higher so I ignored the openings provided me. A moment of rescue came when my cell phone rang and I excused myself to answer.....yes I could feel his eyes on my ass as I rose from the table....but I was glad, it was my Boo. "Hey boogie", I greeted him while still in ear shot of the table, hoping it had had the desired effect.

Throughout the meal I was taken with the man's dexterity with a knife and fork and in a careless moment I was thrown back to a time when those hands played all too knowingly over my body. I caught myself and recoiled into my comfortable anti social self and at that moment I realized that he was intent on playing the fool and fooling with me so I reverted to a playful self and we went to town with subtle innuendos and looks of lust while my boss wasn't looking and I felt vindicated when he was invited to stroll to the desert table and could not disguise his obvious stimulation.

While that was fun I didn't wish to traverse these waters too much for fear that I would get too caught up, so I changed yet again to a business focus which, thankfully, grounded all parties and we got some work done.

Not being the type to not exploit a situation, as we walked to our cars he extended his hand for a platonic goodbye and I ceased the moment, stepped into him on my tip toe and whispered in his ear "now we both know you know me better than that"....... and as my tongue brushed against his ear lobe and my hands slid around his waist and my fingers moved down his back in a blatant embrace I felt him shiver and I released the moment with deep satisfaction that it was still there....somewhere.

As I drove home I watched as my cell phone vibrated on the seat next to me with an all too familiar number on the display......I did not answer.