Its 5:26 pm on New Years Eve, and I am at work....just an indication of how shitty this year has been.
I started this morning with a post of another sort than what came out....I wanted to say that I had made contact on Saturday.......I solicited his help again with ending this thing.......I know other women would have taken his silence as a good indicator that it was over, but I am too complex for that. I believe that this is one of those pregnant pauses that he does until a face to face meeting takes place. Then its back to square one for me....I whisper unruly nothings and he bends his rules under the pressure.
I explained some of my foolishness and identified I think, the main issue......I couldn't convince myself to let go because I couldn't understand why he was so immune to me. So I asked him to say "Fuck Off", and I told him that he could use the same words, it didn't matter. I expressed a preference not to do this in 2008....optimistic I know, but it was what I was feeling at the time. I felt that I needed to let him know that my message was not intended to be construed as impatience or a ploy, but that it was my truth with a little immaturity mixed in. On reflection I know I should have told him that I simply was too immature to play this very grown up game but I tried to salvage some element of pride. I told him I simply just didn't get this or him and was spent.
He hasn't responded........not even to tell me again that I am overstating the case........now I am angry and sad. Angry that I didn't fight hard enough to not make the contact, and sad that I wanted him so much to risk this outcome. I knew this was a possibility, I guess I was just hoping that it would not have been the option chosen. I believe that I am intoxicated with the pain and punishment, a masochist. I need therapy. It seems I have gotten everything wrong, everything....now I must plan my next year, the Lord permitting, to not share the same space at least for 3 months, and hope that my strength is renewed everyday so that I feel less.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thoughts 5
Only a few hours left before the door to this bitch of a year closes. I must admit to feeling a little on edge because I know not what the future holds and I would so hate to carry over this bitterness into the New Year.
In true obsessed woman fashion I sent one last foolish message....a plea really....but I figure that I have done far worse throughout the year so another strike would mean nothing. I bowed to the need to make contact...turns out he is off the island.
Its funny, when I left the other day and he found out through a colleague, he did not pretend to be unaware when we saw each other eventually.......he remarked that I clearly didn't think him worthy of knowing that I would be away........on that note I piped up that it was a quickly planned and executed family thing. He joked about having delusions of grandeur that he could be considered like family and therefore be privy to my movements.......I laughed and settled the matter quickly, indicating that we were certainly not family and we were to consider ourselves "fuckers" at best....though enough of that had not taken place to do justice to this designation. He fell silent at that, and I assumed we were cool.
I don't feel off put by the fact that he was off the island for the Xmas without my knowing....yeah it would have been nice to know, but its a time for family and I am assuming it was a family thing.......in my mind there are two worlds; him and wifey and the family; and him and me (sort of)...the point being that I harbour no intentions of the twain crossing, meeting or otherwise, and I hope he knows this. I am not that type, some women like to be pals with the man's spouse but I am not like that. She deserves respect, after all, "memba a play we a play".... and I give as much respect to his relationship with her as I can by not making unreasonable requests of him. I have always had to clarify this point with men and I will send you home sometimes. The one has absolutely nothing to do with the other and she should assume first priority at all times, and this is how it should be.
I don't know if he was playing me when he mentioned the delusion thing, but it has caused me to wonder about where his head is where we are concerned. Were I to take his revelation seriously, and a part of me does at times in La La Land, I would be perturbed by the fact that he would think that this is all there is to having a successful 'on the side' relationship. That he would consider how he has dealt with this thing as normal would reveal that our definitions of "relationship" differs....greatly.
We all have our quirks, to this I agree....cause for me, having sex a lot in a relationship means you are interested (too much testosterone, I think)......and I have worked out that this is not necessarily how other people conceptualize it. For me sex is that important pillar of any good relationship, so if I'm not getting sex, then I will have cause to wonder what the @#%&.
This wasn't exactly the post I started writing but I guess it has been occupying my mind....could he really think that this is how an "on the side" relationship should go????? In which world could "biannual bedding" be considered a normal functional relationship?????? I don't get it.
For me relationships on the side are supposed to be filled with passion so much that you take the foolish chances to dip your dick as many times inna a gal as she will allow. I have admitted that he is an atypical cheater, in that he is absolutely committed to his wife and family and he takes pains to demonstrate that to me, always on the phone with her etc. So maybe he is also atypical in what he wants from an on the side thing, which is not a problem provided you let a bitch know what you want.....that's all I need, clarity......not a juvenile demonstration (such as silence) of your ineptitude to deal with real issues. He is a big man, 11yrs my senior, I don't expect playground games unless it involves me calling him "Daddy", which is quite pleasing actually when appropriate. Could he really see nothing wrong with his actions to date, and if so why would he think that I would be cool with that???????? Communication in any relationship is paramount and its absence leads to posts like these....endless thoughts about what gives and generally unnecessary hurt and misconception.
In true obsessed woman fashion I sent one last foolish message....a plea really....but I figure that I have done far worse throughout the year so another strike would mean nothing. I bowed to the need to make contact...turns out he is off the island.
Its funny, when I left the other day and he found out through a colleague, he did not pretend to be unaware when we saw each other eventually.......he remarked that I clearly didn't think him worthy of knowing that I would be away........on that note I piped up that it was a quickly planned and executed family thing. He joked about having delusions of grandeur that he could be considered like family and therefore be privy to my movements.......I laughed and settled the matter quickly, indicating that we were certainly not family and we were to consider ourselves "fuckers" at best....though enough of that had not taken place to do justice to this designation. He fell silent at that, and I assumed we were cool.
I don't feel off put by the fact that he was off the island for the Xmas without my knowing....yeah it would have been nice to know, but its a time for family and I am assuming it was a family thing.......in my mind there are two worlds; him and wifey and the family; and him and me (sort of)...the point being that I harbour no intentions of the twain crossing, meeting or otherwise, and I hope he knows this. I am not that type, some women like to be pals with the man's spouse but I am not like that. She deserves respect, after all, "memba a play we a play".... and I give as much respect to his relationship with her as I can by not making unreasonable requests of him. I have always had to clarify this point with men and I will send you home sometimes. The one has absolutely nothing to do with the other and she should assume first priority at all times, and this is how it should be.
I don't know if he was playing me when he mentioned the delusion thing, but it has caused me to wonder about where his head is where we are concerned. Were I to take his revelation seriously, and a part of me does at times in La La Land, I would be perturbed by the fact that he would think that this is all there is to having a successful 'on the side' relationship. That he would consider how he has dealt with this thing as normal would reveal that our definitions of "relationship" differs....greatly.
We all have our quirks, to this I agree....cause for me, having sex a lot in a relationship means you are interested (too much testosterone, I think)......and I have worked out that this is not necessarily how other people conceptualize it. For me sex is that important pillar of any good relationship, so if I'm not getting sex, then I will have cause to wonder what the @#%&.
This wasn't exactly the post I started writing but I guess it has been occupying my mind....could he really think that this is how an "on the side" relationship should go????? In which world could "biannual bedding" be considered a normal functional relationship?????? I don't get it.
For me relationships on the side are supposed to be filled with passion so much that you take the foolish chances to dip your dick as many times inna a gal as she will allow. I have admitted that he is an atypical cheater, in that he is absolutely committed to his wife and family and he takes pains to demonstrate that to me, always on the phone with her etc. So maybe he is also atypical in what he wants from an on the side thing, which is not a problem provided you let a bitch know what you want.....that's all I need, clarity......not a juvenile demonstration (such as silence) of your ineptitude to deal with real issues. He is a big man, 11yrs my senior, I don't expect playground games unless it involves me calling him "Daddy", which is quite pleasing actually when appropriate. Could he really see nothing wrong with his actions to date, and if so why would he think that I would be cool with that???????? Communication in any relationship is paramount and its absence leads to posts like these....endless thoughts about what gives and generally unnecessary hurt and misconception.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Ramblings 8
I want to send a message telling him "Merry fucking Christmas and a Happy bumboclaat New Year"....I realise I am still angry so lets hope this vibe passes......afterall he would know that I am perturbed if I give in to this feeling........a part of me thinks he knows already but I will continue to live the lie. How about renewing my call for him to take the lead and end this? I guess I really just want to make contact.........it will pass.
I am alone at work today and I am enjoying the space....probably should get some work done and not be the typical government worker in the holidays....right?
I am alone at work today and I am enjoying the space....probably should get some work done and not be the typical government worker in the holidays....right?
Wishing
December 27, 2007 - Continued further
Seems I'm in quite a pickle......on the one hand there is me (what's left), and on the other there is them........I have things I need to say to both, but my balls are the size of gungo peas.
I wish I could tell one to go fuck himself........wait......can't use that cause it applies to both......Okay......I wish that one could know my true feelings.......shit....can't use that either..........
Lets change the approach.......I Wish That I Had Bigger Balls.
Seems I'm in quite a pickle......on the one hand there is me (what's left), and on the other there is them........I have things I need to say to both, but my balls are the size of gungo peas.
I wish I could tell one to go fuck himself........wait......can't use that cause it applies to both......Okay......I wish that one could know my true feelings.......shit....can't use that either..........
Lets change the approach.......I Wish That I Had Bigger Balls.
Thoughts 4
December 27, 2007 - Continued
So many thoughts in my head,
So much to process,
I fear that if I deal in my thoughts too much I may grow to love the world I would have created and choose to reside there for a spell....so I continue to have haphazard indulgence, just enough to ease the pain.
I do wish for unencumbered time to think though.....to admit to my feelings and uncover the magic of willpower, which I know resides in me........... somewhere.
I wish for time to be turned back.....this is the easy solve and it would be sooo cool if this were possible. Seriously though, I wish for a quick fix.
I coached a Friend into accepting the fact that she had been in love with this guy for the past 10 yrs. She thought she was just having fun initially and had let it all go when she left to do her Doctorate....every visit though would result in heartache.
I told her she needed to acknowledge her love fi di yout first and foremost, and that he was married now and therefore was unavailable and she needed to let him go....... I told her this would clear a path for the real healing to take place.
I chastised myself for the blatant lie, but it was a necessary lie.......She says she did as I said and was cured. She tested the strength of her healing when she bucked him up at a party.......she said she exchanged pleasantries and bid him and wifey goodnight....it was a good moment she says. Personally I couldn't believe that this girl who five months ago couldn't bear the thought of not thinking about him, had banished his memory to the back of her mind?....no way....in two weeks......no way.......she is a strong one though....men complain about her not calling enough so she has no difficulty locking up shop.
I remember thinking, why couldn't I be so lucky?....I wish for lady luck to smile upon me similarly..........................................I just want to go to bed and wake up in a day that I waste no time in thoughts of him.......That's all I want, I figure everything after that will be simple.
So many thoughts in my head,
So much to process,
I fear that if I deal in my thoughts too much I may grow to love the world I would have created and choose to reside there for a spell....so I continue to have haphazard indulgence, just enough to ease the pain.
I do wish for unencumbered time to think though.....to admit to my feelings and uncover the magic of willpower, which I know resides in me........... somewhere.
I wish for time to be turned back.....this is the easy solve and it would be sooo cool if this were possible. Seriously though, I wish for a quick fix.
I coached a Friend into accepting the fact that she had been in love with this guy for the past 10 yrs. She thought she was just having fun initially and had let it all go when she left to do her Doctorate....every visit though would result in heartache.
I told her she needed to acknowledge her love fi di yout first and foremost, and that he was married now and therefore was unavailable and she needed to let him go....... I told her this would clear a path for the real healing to take place.
I chastised myself for the blatant lie, but it was a necessary lie.......She says she did as I said and was cured. She tested the strength of her healing when she bucked him up at a party.......she said she exchanged pleasantries and bid him and wifey goodnight....it was a good moment she says. Personally I couldn't believe that this girl who five months ago couldn't bear the thought of not thinking about him, had banished his memory to the back of her mind?....no way....in two weeks......no way.......she is a strong one though....men complain about her not calling enough so she has no difficulty locking up shop.
I remember thinking, why couldn't I be so lucky?....I wish for lady luck to smile upon me similarly..........................................I just want to go to bed and wake up in a day that I waste no time in thoughts of him.......That's all I want, I figure everything after that will be simple.
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