Happy New Year

Its 5:26 pm on New Years Eve, and I am at work....just an indication of how shitty this year has been.

I started this morning with a post of another sort than what came out....I wanted to say that I had made contact on Saturday.......I solicited his help again with ending this thing.......I know other women would have taken his silence as a good indicator that it was over, but I am too complex for that. I believe that this is one of those pregnant pauses that he does until a face to face meeting takes place. Then its back to square one for me....I whisper unruly nothings and he bends his rules under the pressure.

I explained some of my foolishness and identified I think, the main issue......I couldn't convince myself to let go because I couldn't understand why he was so immune to me. So I asked him to say "Fuck Off", and I told him that he could use the same words, it didn't matter. I expressed a preference not to do this in 2008....optimistic I know, but it was what I was feeling at the time. I felt that I needed to let him know that my message was not intended to be construed as impatience or a ploy, but that it was my truth with a little immaturity mixed in. On reflection I know I should have told him that I simply was too immature to play this very grown up game but I tried to salvage some element of pride. I told him I simply just didn't get this or him and was spent.

He hasn't responded........not even to tell me again that I am overstating the case........now I am angry and sad. Angry that I didn't fight hard enough to not make the contact, and sad that I wanted him so much to risk this outcome. I knew this was a possibility, I guess I was just hoping that it would not have been the option chosen. I believe that I am intoxicated with the pain and punishment, a masochist. I need therapy. It seems I have gotten everything wrong, everything....now I must plan my next year, the Lord permitting, to not share the same space at least for 3 months, and hope that my strength is renewed everyday so that I feel less.