Thoughts 5

Only a few hours left before the door to this bitch of a year closes. I must admit to feeling a little on edge because I know not what the future holds and I would so hate to carry over this bitterness into the New Year.

In true obsessed woman fashion I sent one last foolish message....a plea really....but I figure that I have done far worse throughout the year so another strike would mean nothing. I bowed to the need to make contact...turns out he is off the island.

Its funny, when I left the other day and he found out through a colleague, he did not pretend to be unaware when we saw each other eventually.......he remarked that I clearly didn't think him worthy of knowing that I would be away........on that note I piped up that it was a quickly planned and executed family thing. He joked about having delusions of grandeur that he could be considered like family and therefore be privy to my movements.......I laughed and settled the matter quickly, indicating that we were certainly not family and we were to consider ourselves "fuckers" at best....though enough of that had not taken place to do justice to this designation. He fell silent at that, and I assumed we were cool.

I don't feel off put by the fact that he was off the island for the Xmas without my knowing....yeah it would have been nice to know, but its a time for family and I am assuming it was a family thing.......in my mind there are two worlds; him and wifey and the family; and him and me (sort of)...the point being that I harbour no intentions of the twain crossing, meeting or otherwise, and I hope he knows this. I am not that type, some women like to be pals with the man's spouse but I am not like that. She deserves respect, after all, "memba a play we a play".... and I give as much respect to his relationship with her as I can by not making unreasonable requests of him. I have always had to clarify this point with men and I will send you home sometimes. The one has absolutely nothing to do with the other and she should assume first priority at all times, and this is how it should be.

I don't know if he was playing me when he mentioned the delusion thing, but it has caused me to wonder about where his head is where we are concerned. Were I to take his revelation seriously, and a part of me does at times in La La Land, I would be perturbed by the fact that he would think that this is all there is to having a successful 'on the side' relationship. That he would consider how he has dealt with this thing as normal would reveal that our definitions of "relationship" differs....greatly.

We all have our quirks, to this I agree....cause for me, having sex a lot in a relationship means you are interested (too much testosterone, I think)......and I have worked out that this is not necessarily how other people conceptualize it. For me sex is that important pillar of any good relationship, so if I'm not getting sex, then I will have cause to wonder what the @#%&.

This wasn't exactly the post I started writing but I guess it has been occupying my mind....could he really think that this is how an "on the side" relationship should go????? In which world could "biannual bedding" be considered a normal functional relationship?????? I don't get it.

For me relationships on the side are supposed to be filled with passion so much that you take the foolish chances to dip your dick as many times inna a gal as she will allow. I have admitted that he is an atypical cheater, in that he is absolutely committed to his wife and family and he takes pains to demonstrate that to me, always on the phone with her etc. So maybe he is also atypical in what he wants from an on the side thing, which is not a problem provided you let a bitch know what you want.....that's all I need, clarity......not a juvenile demonstration (such as silence) of your ineptitude to deal with real issues. He is a big man, 11yrs my senior, I don't expect playground games unless it involves me calling him "Daddy", which is quite pleasing actually when appropriate. Could he really see nothing wrong with his actions to date, and if so why would he think that I would be cool with that???????? Communication in any relationship is paramount and its absence leads to posts like these....endless thoughts about what gives and generally unnecessary hurt and misconception.