Its always bad when I don't get my way.....when I am not in control. It becomes a challenge to conquer rather than a fleeting affair. I wish to conquer, I wish to break the unbreakable....to what end though? I have not gotten that far in my thoughts as yet.
Consciously, I know I am in the wrong.....I shouldn't seek to covet, but in my defense I raise the matter of his inability to stick to his own decisions in this matter. He makes it too easy for me to:
i) get under his skin
ii) doubt his intentions
iii) place those doubts at the back of my mind while I relish the moments when he breaks under the pressure of my vulgar utterances
When there is distance between us, it is easy for us both to hold back.....eventually in my case, almost immediately it seems in his. I have no misconceptions......I know he is married, and from the looks of things, he loves her...a lot, just my luck to find the one married man that does not lie about his wedded bliss...(annoying really)....... I know too that he is out of my league, I know I may be reading everything wrongly, but I also know that he has a way with me.....a way which opens my mind to fairy tales and the happily ever after they promote. I know I should do everything in my power to stop...but I don' t want to....I don't want to keep this issue at arms length....I want to conquer.
I have realised though that engaging in other distractions does not solve the problem....it dulls the pain somewhat, but I should deal with my reality issues and try harder to not be affected.
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