ISSUES

I have ISSUES......I am a BAD PERSON.......I am CRUEL, to everyone who encounters me, even myself.......I am UNHAPPY with my life as it is now.......I have always wondered whether I could ever really be FAITHFUL........I am good at fucking things up....fucking people up and I don't know why I do what I do.....sometimes I just feel so trapped......I know that this is why I am terrified of marriage, that band of gold represents a cage..........I do so well sometimes, my eyes never stray in the times when I am being good...even in the face of much provocation......somehow though, when I start being bad, I could write a book.

Usually I can confess to Boogie about my dalliances......conscience is a bitch.....now however I don't even know who he is and how he will react if he discovers this me.......I love him too much to use him to get over this distraction, so I have to find another and it kills me inside to do what I am doing.....especially when I think about the effect on him if he finds out...everything. I regret that I have been this affected by the idea of this man.........I want to have them both, but I know that will not be possible.......With a looming new year I wish, no....I hope, no......I bare my heart and soul to the Lord to have him end this......it is simply too much.