Changing Times

I had a blind date.......there's a reason why they call it "blind" and lets just say that the physical handicap wasn't the only challenge. As much as I like men, I am committed to doing my friends no more favours and letting things flow....it just too sticky out deh..... worse of all he was clearly one of those who I could break in two without much effort......I hate a weak man. I'm a handful to deal with on a good day with a lot of lip, so I need a strong man to keep me in line. What happened to men....have their wives, girlfriends, ex-wives, ex girlfriends, mothers etc. transformed our men into socially inept beings who try to woo with money rather than personality and wit. His friend was actually a lot more mentally stimulating and could match my every innuendo while he sat there lost.....it takes all types to make this world turn I guess.

Can you believe he actually wanted a kiss goodnight? He didn't know that it took all my energy to stay put in the chair and listen to his drone...what tha ----. As is customary I have no behaviour when foolishness comes my way so I laughed and informed him that it would take a few more dates and a little more than a country run and a fish fry to make me give up a taste of me.

Hindsight is 20/20 they say and had I known that it would turn out like that, I would have said no when I was invited to " tag along" that faithful day.......... Labour day was good, I went to my old community and laboured on the primary school there for the day. In the evening a girlfriend called to say that she was heading to the country with a bredren and if I wanted to tag along. It seemed innocent enough, and I usually don't like the whole third wheel thing but I couldn't find a good reason not to go.....I figured I could entertain myself in the moments they were being friendlier than bredrens. Afterall, we were heading to Porus and my bredren wasn't too far from there. When I called my bredren he didn't answer so in true me fashion I left a message indicating what he would miss......it was a good thing too cause my friend turned up with a "date" for me so the four of us drove off into the sunset heading to a fish fry.


The drive down wasn't too bad, usually I am scared to have people I don't know drive me but this man knew how to tek the road and seemed experienced enough to handle the speed so I relaxed. The fish fry was good, the Heineken was even better and the conversation was great, when it was all four of us involved. In my mind I had decided to treat the foursome as just a "bredren an' bredren" flex so there was no pressure. We laughed we chatted, we watched as one or two youth tried to pick up girls with little finesse it was a good time until I heard we were going to Mexico.

Yep, as we wound our way to this little district in St. Catherine, and while I fought back the ill effect of said winding ( I don't travel well) I could only think that I would stick to the Mexico which required a plane trip. We eventually reached what I would call a mansion in the midst of the bushes. It was beautiful.....swimming pool, jacuzzi, fruit trees everywhere, a beautiful garden with a fountain and of course an outside Bar-B-Q, bar and grill. If it neva suh far it would have been the ideal spot for a get away. I don't know if it was the ambiance but little man broke up our "bredren an' bredren" flex when he asked me to take a walk with him.......inside me turned but I am a courteous bitch so I obliged.

We went into the garden and he went on and on about what he does, what he has, how he believes in taking care of a woman fully.......I was offended....at least get to know me before you try to get into my panty with promises of "support"......what's up with that. A really suh it stay out deh now? I have been caught up for a while in relationships and all of my extra relationship dabblings have been just about that, dabbling and letting go, so I had no clue that the world did a run like that now. It sticky out deh...bad, bad if a really suh. Worse when it turns out that it seemed like that was all it took for his other dates to give in, cause he had no conversation left when I told him I fully believed in a woman working for what she wants and that her partner was merely a fall back option.......I am a proud girl, I told him, so taking money from men wasn't one of my strongest talents. After that he was silent for the rest of the walk. I tried as best I could to keep the dialogue going but eventually we both agreed to rejoin the others....Hooray.

He was quiet for most of the trip back to Kingston, and I pretended to be asleep........I thought about Boogie for the most part and wondered what he was up to and that I could have been up to so much more with him. A suh it guh though.

Home

I savoured my coffee this morning under a clear blue sky. I sat outside and let nature wash over me and it was great. I watched as the breeze disturbed the tree tops dancing from one to the other, getting closer and closer, and I exhaled.....A lone cloud drifted in and though it was weak and without much form it was intoxicating and I fixed my gaze and watched as it disappeared over the hill tops.

With so much beauty at my retinatips, I thought about the people around the world who couldn't partake of this bit of God's glory and I was saddened. How awful it must be to wake up each day to a concrete jungle and a city hung over from a restless night. I often wonder whether I could live like that.

Opportunities are calling and the wise and rational decision would be to extricate myself from the misery and yield to the temptation of foreign lands. But could I live in a place where one couldn't take timeout to marvel at birds and how they fly, could I do without a mango season and the joy of sitting underneath the tree, could I survive if I had no hilltops to watch as they glisten in the sun by day and wash the flats by evening with a deep green which immerses your senses in wonderfulness.......could I live without these luxuries?

I'll think some more on this while I balance my love for Country with the need to prosper and determine whether I should give up on this love affair too.

Expression

If I were a Poet....I would bare my soul in stanza after stanza of emotion filled words. But I am not a poet, so instead I bury the emotion and show only that which I can accept to be seen.
I unearth no new strength thus I fail at being creatively obtuse with meaningful literary displays.

If I were an Artist, I could paint my world with a rose pink brush and live only in the good times which provoke good memories......and if I were an Artiste I could sing a song of love and hope to capture with melody what's inside me.

But while I can provoke wrath and other similar sentiment in others, I am not very thought provoking....I offer no conscious content for perusal, I cannot signal meaning while guarding true understanding and expression with use of covert language.....so I am afflicted with insufficient stamina to feel and let the feeling go. I am therefore an amateur who conveys truth in clear terms........most of the time.

But....if I were a Poet, I would be at "Calabash" this weekend wielding words and soaking in sound instead of at work.......but this is what practical beings do, they make hay while creative beings play.

Angry

Its been one of those days......not too much to be happy about and more than enough to bring anger sufficient to sin the most righteous of souls. I don't think I learnt the lesson in patience or I would be more tolerant of foolishness, more accommodating of institutional recklessness and more resigned......I would be a better being.

How can I overcome this short fuse of mine....how? Everytime I try to be a good girl and just live the live and trod the path to righteousness, to hold my head high and not revert to youthful exuberance....everytime I invest time in making me work better, days like yesterday and today come around and all I can think is that the Gods are conspiring to keep me wrapped up on the wrong side of the tracks.

It all seems so wrong.......maybe this is my retribution for messing with the player or Boogie or whatever, but I really thought I had done my sentence for that crime:

- I made myself into a fool for the better part of a year
- I've let the cat out of the bag that I'm silly and destructive
- I now have to watch while he plays with another
- I have shown the one man I really, really love that I'm a coward
- I have restricted myself to running like hell in dangerous situations because they do me no good
- I could almost be a laughing stock if it wasn't for quasi-gentlemanly behaviour on his part

So how much more penance must I do?

What gets me now is that its not even him who has perturbed my spirit, at least then I could deal....I could wink my eye at some other fellow and let him occupy my mind for a bit and take the edge off........but nope he's not the culprit this time.....we actually had funny e-mail dialogue yesterday and I think we are back to a good working relationship and if I have anything to say about it, that's how it will stay. Everyone else today however has dragged my ass over the coals with little concern for my feelings but I was still doing well ....not lashing out, counting to 30 at times to restore calm, all in all being a good girl......I did try...until absolute exhaustion set in...its impossible to fight for 8 hours of the day.

I couldn't try anymore when someone added more fire to the resting flame....After some stern words I remembered myself and mustered enough sweet to say that the conversation wasn't progressing in a constructive manner and therefore required termination ......I committed to taking the time to explore other avenues to meet my deadline. I hate when I have to find pretty words to counteract fuckery....but respectfully we serve, or at least try to.

There is much work to be done.......gonna do some yoga and hope it allows me to train my mind so that I can contain my emotions.

FLEXES

Last Night was great....my workout was rewarding and tiring but I needed to visit my Daddy so I hooked up Boogie and off we went with a friend of mine in tow. We stopped at HView round about and got roast fish wit callaloo and Irish potato, only conch soup, bammy and Red Stripe beer for me......Boogie ran into a bredren of his and we sat under the stars eating while weed smoke floated around us and some youngsters roasted some oysters on an open flame......A dem flex yah mi luv......I like the natural vibe, the man an' man reasoning and of course there is always the pleasure of performing in front of an audience......I kissed his neck and chest as the 12:00 a.m night breeze blew in and he stroked my hair and kissed my forehead before we all started talking 'bout some of the good times we had convoying through country and pushing the envelop of how much one could drive while drunk.....those were young times (at least i can claim to have been too young to know any better.....not sure what Boogie's excuse is).

Those were really good times, we were still fooling around then and no ill will was harboured against either party or spouses.......pity it got nasty. Anyway, last night was a good vibe and it made me remember one of the reasons we clicked so well...he doesn't fetter me. He accepts me for who I am, a strong /weak bitch, simple really.

When we got home I had intended to drop into bed and sleep for as long as I could before work.....he had other plans. It was an amazing session which left me battered, bruised and wanting more, much , much more.......its amazing the positions the body can get into. A few orgasms later we both collapsed in sheer exhaustion.......I never fall asleep right after sex, I'm too revved up I think, so my mind rambled on and in the midst of my thoughts was an interlude I shared earlier in the day with the Player.

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I got roped into attending a little thing and at the end we spoke.....I had tried to escape prior to the adjournment but I got overruled by my boss.....damn it. He was looking good and i remembered thinking through the meeting that in a different time and place I could have had a bad thing or two to whisper in his ear, but I held back cause I wasn't sure how he would react and the last thing I wanted was to revert to past stupidity. Anyway, we had the usual dialogue which starts with me bowing down to his superior performance in our game and him denying that its a game and that he has one "I'm innocent" he said.....yeah right, but I played along. I told him I would love it if we could be bredrens.....then I could sit at his feet and learn from him and he may pick up a thing or two from me......that would be useful...." we could rule the world" I told him. He danced around the issue. We spoke a little more in the same terms and he started to piss me off so I was happy when he said he had to go.......I couldn't help throwing out a challenge to him to step up to the plate and give me a hug in public, not the social type but a relatively real, real hug...he obliged and I bowed down again to his skill in this game but I knew it meant nothing.....it was a good encounter for a change though.

Reflections

I was almost tempted yesterday to fool around....my motivation wasn't high enough though, so I was somewhat circumspect as I waited for my ride to pick me up after the meeting....as is customary, he was a point of interest to listen to on a work score but embarrassment still plagues me when I make eye contact so I avoided it at times.....its an interesting dance when player and played get together....one of those things I guess...I will learn to deal better soon.


I thought about some of the lessons learnt over the "insane period" and that was sufficient to curb my appetite for the punishment after indulgence.....to what end I asked myself when he asked me to wait around.... to what end. Further, do I pretend that I haven't noticed his obvious interest in and verbal confirmation of this fact from those close to me, do I allow him to carve another notch in his belt or do I be a good friend to others who may get sucked in, do I dare think that another person could be as foolish as I was to have been detained by him......I concluded however that she's a big girl with skills I can only dream to possess so she would be fine..... I have to say though that its interesting to watch his game unfold on another, and at times I kick myself for not seeing the play immediately when I was afflicted, its quite obvious really but I guess I saw what I wanted to see at the time, it was useful therapy.....I still think we would make good bredrens though ( no sex, just bredrendom)....he could teach me a lot.

I now have a healthy appreciation for men, they are beautiful beings and one can't help but understand that the good and bad components are part of the package.....for example my work colleague who leaves HWT to come pick me up in New Kingston during rush hour because he wanted to I have concluded ( it didn't take much convincing)......he's my partner is crime they say at work....we workout together in the evenings and I appreciate that at those times he's a Minnie Dictator/Executioner...he gives hugs upon request, those times when I actually feel compelled to ask for and not just slide in and take it, he is one of those cool dudes....a friend who you know will always have your back without strings. With beautiful beings like that out there how can I condemn the nature of men.

I like where I am now...but for the embarrassment thing.....I'm not too angry, not too sad but not too happy, I am average...I feel a little less these days, though unfortunately I have been reconnecting with my real Nemesis, Boogie.....who has asked me for space with perks.....good thing I'm not angry, I could have gotten livid but instead, I told him to take all the time he needed and if or when we meet up again and the fire still burns, then we can try again.

Nowhere in my mind did "space" mean that he would still swing by unannounced and get perturbed when he calls and I am out, with what he has concluded is another man.....I am a simple girl I have always said, so 'wanting space' means you don't want to be with me so I will start looking for....something else, after all it couldn't be that he expected me to remain celibate but for the times when he feels like fucking around....that would be silly. When he got upset I asked him to be logical, cause then he would conclude, like I did, that 'space' doesn't mean you hold on to the person....'space' means you let go entirely and trust that you may find each other again or not at all.....I asked what he would do if we were married, cause 'space' for me would mean divorce, not separation for a few months....I will not get caught wearing a ring for wearing a ring sake...my husband has to be just that a husband in the fullest sense of the word.....he would have to appreciate that I am simply a complex being who would take very seriously the issues of no sex and no love and could not therefore be patient while he sorts himself out, on his "own"...yeah right.

This is a heavish post....many issues to digest...some more critical than others, but I needed to get it off my chest.

Still trying

I'm sad today.

I had a good night.....I was weak and needed a hug so I called Boogie to thank him for being there for me on the weekend as I curled up into a ball on the hospital bed while strangers poked and nudged and finally believed me when I said all I needed was a strong pain killer.....he held my hand on that Saturday night and he whispered I love yous and encouraged me to be strong and use his strength......it was a challenging time. At 12 p.m when I was released still unable to stand but with my voice returning sufficient for me to thank the Doctor and nurses.....he wrapped me in his arms and told me he would take me home and stay with me the night.......I felt like shit for more reasons than one then, and I remembered thinking that he was too good to me.

When we got home he made soup and encouraged me to drink at least two tablespoons so that I could take more medication.......he stood by me even though I could feel him flinch when I squeezed his already abused hand when the wave of pain washed over me again and again.....there was no pressure the morning after and I actually felt sad when he sad he was going having accepted that the worst had passed. I couldn't find the words to ask him to stay.

I called last night though to say thanks and that I really needed a hug. He obliged, and while I wanted to stop everything right there, he didn't. I asked him to think about what he was doing and to be sure that this was really what he wanted to do....no bad vibes could be brought in afterwards.....he agreed. We made gentle, sweet love and he held me so tight that I couldn't do much more than hold him tight too. It was one of those sappy things, but I liked it.

It was a good night and I almost convinced myself that I wasn't gonna run scared this time, that I wouldn't pick an argument or allow him to draw mi tongue......in a perfect world I guess that would have been a great outcome, but not in my world.......in my world he pissed me off after breakfast and I pissed him off before we both got out the door for work...sigh....this man and woman thing is really hard.

Commitment

Life would be better if only I could commit......

I spoke to Boogie last week, he was not very accommodating.....its funny how you think you can bury the other emotions as you focus on the passion in your lions....it doesn't work. We didn't click the way we used to....he seemed unsure of how to touch me and I by virtue of his hesitance was clumsy in my assault.....we eventually gave up, satisfaction being unattainable, but stupidly I suggested that we talk....not the best idea I had ever had, but then I haven't been making good choices in the past year and some.

We spoke about the real issues...I'm glad I had had time to settle on what those were prior......I told him I was unsure about marriage, I told him that I feel he would end up hating me because I g=could not guarantee fidelity, I tried to convince him that we didn't do too well outside of sex so why complicate the matter....contentment would always be a moving target.

After hearing me out, he told me that he had tried, many times, to turn his back on us...he confessed that it would be the best day of his life if he could not love me anymore....he told me that I wouldn't begin to understand how much a part of him I was and that all he really wanted to do was make me happy. He told me he needed my commitment to at least try as hard as I could to not be destructive, to let him have sole responsibility for me, to let him take care of me.

I knew then that his love was too much and I would never be worthy, I could never measure up. A part of me was doubtful, I'll admit...men know how to twist things to their advantage, but i got a vibe that it may be as close to the truth as he could get. I'm getting angry again....he has me too weak.

How can I commit to this man,or any other for that matter, when I demonstrate love with hurt and doubt....what does one do when trust is elusive yet he makes your heart sing.

I thought about the above and I concluded that one should stop being the aggressor, one should stop taking advantage, one should provide a pardon to the prison sentence of being loved with all the faults.....one should allow him freedom to fly and love a woman who could love him back on his terms.