Angry

Its been one of those days......not too much to be happy about and more than enough to bring anger sufficient to sin the most righteous of souls. I don't think I learnt the lesson in patience or I would be more tolerant of foolishness, more accommodating of institutional recklessness and more resigned......I would be a better being.

How can I overcome this short fuse of mine....how? Everytime I try to be a good girl and just live the live and trod the path to righteousness, to hold my head high and not revert to youthful exuberance....everytime I invest time in making me work better, days like yesterday and today come around and all I can think is that the Gods are conspiring to keep me wrapped up on the wrong side of the tracks.

It all seems so wrong.......maybe this is my retribution for messing with the player or Boogie or whatever, but I really thought I had done my sentence for that crime:

- I made myself into a fool for the better part of a year
- I've let the cat out of the bag that I'm silly and destructive
- I now have to watch while he plays with another
- I have shown the one man I really, really love that I'm a coward
- I have restricted myself to running like hell in dangerous situations because they do me no good
- I could almost be a laughing stock if it wasn't for quasi-gentlemanly behaviour on his part

So how much more penance must I do?

What gets me now is that its not even him who has perturbed my spirit, at least then I could deal....I could wink my eye at some other fellow and let him occupy my mind for a bit and take the edge off........but nope he's not the culprit this time.....we actually had funny e-mail dialogue yesterday and I think we are back to a good working relationship and if I have anything to say about it, that's how it will stay. Everyone else today however has dragged my ass over the coals with little concern for my feelings but I was still doing well ....not lashing out, counting to 30 at times to restore calm, all in all being a good girl......I did try...until absolute exhaustion set in...its impossible to fight for 8 hours of the day.

I couldn't try anymore when someone added more fire to the resting flame....After some stern words I remembered myself and mustered enough sweet to say that the conversation wasn't progressing in a constructive manner and therefore required termination ......I committed to taking the time to explore other avenues to meet my deadline. I hate when I have to find pretty words to counteract fuckery....but respectfully we serve, or at least try to.

There is much work to be done.......gonna do some yoga and hope it allows me to train my mind so that I can contain my emotions.