Still trying

I'm sad today.

I had a good night.....I was weak and needed a hug so I called Boogie to thank him for being there for me on the weekend as I curled up into a ball on the hospital bed while strangers poked and nudged and finally believed me when I said all I needed was a strong pain killer.....he held my hand on that Saturday night and he whispered I love yous and encouraged me to be strong and use his strength......it was a challenging time. At 12 p.m when I was released still unable to stand but with my voice returning sufficient for me to thank the Doctor and nurses.....he wrapped me in his arms and told me he would take me home and stay with me the night.......I felt like shit for more reasons than one then, and I remembered thinking that he was too good to me.

When we got home he made soup and encouraged me to drink at least two tablespoons so that I could take more medication.......he stood by me even though I could feel him flinch when I squeezed his already abused hand when the wave of pain washed over me again and again.....there was no pressure the morning after and I actually felt sad when he sad he was going having accepted that the worst had passed. I couldn't find the words to ask him to stay.

I called last night though to say thanks and that I really needed a hug. He obliged, and while I wanted to stop everything right there, he didn't. I asked him to think about what he was doing and to be sure that this was really what he wanted to do....no bad vibes could be brought in afterwards.....he agreed. We made gentle, sweet love and he held me so tight that I couldn't do much more than hold him tight too. It was one of those sappy things, but I liked it.

It was a good night and I almost convinced myself that I wasn't gonna run scared this time, that I wouldn't pick an argument or allow him to draw mi tongue......in a perfect world I guess that would have been a great outcome, but not in my world.......in my world he pissed me off after breakfast and I pissed him off before we both got out the door for work...sigh....this man and woman thing is really hard.