Reflections

I was almost tempted yesterday to fool around....my motivation wasn't high enough though, so I was somewhat circumspect as I waited for my ride to pick me up after the meeting....as is customary, he was a point of interest to listen to on a work score but embarrassment still plagues me when I make eye contact so I avoided it at times.....its an interesting dance when player and played get together....one of those things I guess...I will learn to deal better soon.


I thought about some of the lessons learnt over the "insane period" and that was sufficient to curb my appetite for the punishment after indulgence.....to what end I asked myself when he asked me to wait around.... to what end. Further, do I pretend that I haven't noticed his obvious interest in and verbal confirmation of this fact from those close to me, do I allow him to carve another notch in his belt or do I be a good friend to others who may get sucked in, do I dare think that another person could be as foolish as I was to have been detained by him......I concluded however that she's a big girl with skills I can only dream to possess so she would be fine..... I have to say though that its interesting to watch his game unfold on another, and at times I kick myself for not seeing the play immediately when I was afflicted, its quite obvious really but I guess I saw what I wanted to see at the time, it was useful therapy.....I still think we would make good bredrens though ( no sex, just bredrendom)....he could teach me a lot.

I now have a healthy appreciation for men, they are beautiful beings and one can't help but understand that the good and bad components are part of the package.....for example my work colleague who leaves HWT to come pick me up in New Kingston during rush hour because he wanted to I have concluded ( it didn't take much convincing)......he's my partner is crime they say at work....we workout together in the evenings and I appreciate that at those times he's a Minnie Dictator/Executioner...he gives hugs upon request, those times when I actually feel compelled to ask for and not just slide in and take it, he is one of those cool dudes....a friend who you know will always have your back without strings. With beautiful beings like that out there how can I condemn the nature of men.

I like where I am now...but for the embarrassment thing.....I'm not too angry, not too sad but not too happy, I am average...I feel a little less these days, though unfortunately I have been reconnecting with my real Nemesis, Boogie.....who has asked me for space with perks.....good thing I'm not angry, I could have gotten livid but instead, I told him to take all the time he needed and if or when we meet up again and the fire still burns, then we can try again.

Nowhere in my mind did "space" mean that he would still swing by unannounced and get perturbed when he calls and I am out, with what he has concluded is another man.....I am a simple girl I have always said, so 'wanting space' means you don't want to be with me so I will start looking for....something else, after all it couldn't be that he expected me to remain celibate but for the times when he feels like fucking around....that would be silly. When he got upset I asked him to be logical, cause then he would conclude, like I did, that 'space' doesn't mean you hold on to the person....'space' means you let go entirely and trust that you may find each other again or not at all.....I asked what he would do if we were married, cause 'space' for me would mean divorce, not separation for a few months....I will not get caught wearing a ring for wearing a ring sake...my husband has to be just that a husband in the fullest sense of the word.....he would have to appreciate that I am simply a complex being who would take very seriously the issues of no sex and no love and could not therefore be patient while he sorts himself out, on his "own"...yeah right.

This is a heavish post....many issues to digest...some more critical than others, but I needed to get it off my chest.