Commitment

Life would be better if only I could commit......

I spoke to Boogie last week, he was not very accommodating.....its funny how you think you can bury the other emotions as you focus on the passion in your lions....it doesn't work. We didn't click the way we used to....he seemed unsure of how to touch me and I by virtue of his hesitance was clumsy in my assault.....we eventually gave up, satisfaction being unattainable, but stupidly I suggested that we talk....not the best idea I had ever had, but then I haven't been making good choices in the past year and some.

We spoke about the real issues...I'm glad I had had time to settle on what those were prior......I told him I was unsure about marriage, I told him that I feel he would end up hating me because I g=could not guarantee fidelity, I tried to convince him that we didn't do too well outside of sex so why complicate the matter....contentment would always be a moving target.

After hearing me out, he told me that he had tried, many times, to turn his back on us...he confessed that it would be the best day of his life if he could not love me anymore....he told me that I wouldn't begin to understand how much a part of him I was and that all he really wanted to do was make me happy. He told me he needed my commitment to at least try as hard as I could to not be destructive, to let him have sole responsibility for me, to let him take care of me.

I knew then that his love was too much and I would never be worthy, I could never measure up. A part of me was doubtful, I'll admit...men know how to twist things to their advantage, but i got a vibe that it may be as close to the truth as he could get. I'm getting angry again....he has me too weak.

How can I commit to this man,or any other for that matter, when I demonstrate love with hurt and doubt....what does one do when trust is elusive yet he makes your heart sing.

I thought about the above and I concluded that one should stop being the aggressor, one should stop taking advantage, one should provide a pardon to the prison sentence of being loved with all the faults.....one should allow him freedom to fly and love a woman who could love him back on his terms.