Men need to decide what they want and communicate that effectively to the people they are, or plan to mess with. he gave me "permission" to play, the evidence is here, why then did he get upset when I called to share??? I thought we were being real, I thought it was all good, but now I don't know what to think.....He won't take my calls....I thought he was mature.
Why didn't he just say, "wait for me, don't go play"? Then I would have played, but he would'nt have known. I made reference to the need for a handbook "Understanding Men 101" for these situations, and I renew my call. Why is he doing, what he's doing...I thought this would have been good...I could review the session with him and he would have been stimulated at the imagery, a least that's what I thought. Why did he get cross when I told him I had found a replacement him, "temporary" he said...No said I, cause I am as yet not sure where his lust lies, and without a tangible demonstration of his wants, I could not claim to be his nor him mine...the deal having not yet been sealed.
He should have said what he wanted, he should have just said no, then we would'nt be doing this over some guy, he nor I even really knows. What the Fuck????
If truth be told, I was careful in my choice of the other him....he was built like, him, brown in complexion, cause I'm an equal opportunity player, but even through the session, my thoughts were not on this him, but who I really wanted.....I tried my best not to even rest in his arms the entire night....I left him in the bed, there is nothing, there was nothing, he performed a base function, standing in the gap, until the apple of my desire comes back. Why would he think it is more than just that. Please someone, heed my cry....give me the power to read men's minds.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Crappy B' Day
It was an unfortunate birthday....I got dressed up really nice, went into work and had a good enough day...lots of peeps wishing and singing me happy birthday (they are crazy:-))...then the evening came and with it also came the realisation that I was gonna be alone on my earthday. That I didn't get a hug from a lover on my birthday, that I was truly single.........I did not react well to this fact..denial is a bitch and I had actually convinced myself that this state of being was temporary... but now I know I was wrong, this is who I am now...sad as that may be.
So I had girlfriends bend over backwards to lift my vibe at 9:00 p.m and it worked, momentarily. We went for a drink and we did some stupid stuff. In the midst of it all it was not lost on me that I had bottomed out now....here I was a nice enough looking woman who could do nothing else on her birthday but go out with girlfriends???? that's just wrong. A suh di life guh though.
So I had girlfriends bend over backwards to lift my vibe at 9:00 p.m and it worked, momentarily. We went for a drink and we did some stupid stuff. In the midst of it all it was not lost on me that I had bottomed out now....here I was a nice enough looking woman who could do nothing else on her birthday but go out with girlfriends???? that's just wrong. A suh di life guh though.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Reflection and Hope For Better
If I were to write a book about my life it would be interesting in parts, but mostly boring.
Too much time was spent watching time pass.....
Too many actions went without appropriate reaction...
Too much indulgence in reaction occurred....
Too long I waited for change not recognising I am the change agent.....
Too much disregard for feelings unfolded.....
Too light a touch was taken to the regulation of self ......
Too many lessons were learnt the hard way when the writing was on the wall....
Too much time was spent being stubborn and not letting go.....
There was too much engagement in the wrong things.
As I wait with apprehension for the next 7 hrs and 15 Mins to elapse, signalling the end of another year of my life where stupidity reigned supreme, I can't help but pray that the ushering in of a new year will result in a new dawn for me...a new approach to life and living. I pray for wisdom and understanding, discernment and grace...cause I cannot be who I was this year again.
Following the silly path reaps no good reward. Unless one is prepared to learn from the mistakes made, then....and only then, when the lessons have been learnt by our mind, body, soul and heart, can you truly move away from fruitless endeavours and rest triumphantly with confidence in self.
Too much time was spent watching time pass.....
Too many actions went without appropriate reaction...
Too much indulgence in reaction occurred....
Too long I waited for change not recognising I am the change agent.....
Too much disregard for feelings unfolded.....
Too light a touch was taken to the regulation of self ......
Too many lessons were learnt the hard way when the writing was on the wall....
Too much time was spent being stubborn and not letting go.....
There was too much engagement in the wrong things.
As I wait with apprehension for the next 7 hrs and 15 Mins to elapse, signalling the end of another year of my life where stupidity reigned supreme, I can't help but pray that the ushering in of a new year will result in a new dawn for me...a new approach to life and living. I pray for wisdom and understanding, discernment and grace...cause I cannot be who I was this year again.
Following the silly path reaps no good reward. Unless one is prepared to learn from the mistakes made, then....and only then, when the lessons have been learnt by our mind, body, soul and heart, can you truly move away from fruitless endeavours and rest triumphantly with confidence in self.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Maturity
I interrupted Mr. ATL's thinking time with the following text yesterday......" I have a wet p---y, an entire day to f--k and no available cocksmen to share it with...." He responded well.
In the end he reasoned with me saying that though he would have preferred to frig me first after my hiatus from sex, he understood that I had feelings too and he couldn't stand in the way, especially from so far, of my meeting my needs by any means necessary. He told me to go play until he can take over the reins and ride me himself. I was touched......What did I say about him being too mature.
Other than him and the Player, I usually have men that are jealous as heck...I couldn't raise this matter let alone have this kind of frank discussion about the issue with them....Boogie came closest but his knowledge of my dabblings would come after the fact, when my conscience couldn't bear it anymore or I wanted to hurt him.....this is interesting territory.
Mr ATL prefaced his "permission" with information about being unable to come back to JA before next year..... so I will definitely need a buffer in the months to come. He said he wouldn't be mad, and if I felt like, I could tell him how the session went...whether it was worth it....what the fuck??? I must admit a part of me is titillated by the thought of him listening in on a session...I will work on making that happen. He's a freak and I like him. He had one warning though, for me to be 'careful' as I played....all safety gear should be worn.....I agreed wholeheartedly cause mi 'fraid a HIV...the condom takes a lot away from the experience but it is a necessity. He also asked that I play but not get caught up....I was to save that for him he said. In a better time and place I would have been tickled by this revelation, not now though, cause its all a game.
He's a nice bredren and I knew he would come around. He may be one of those fuck buddies...ever present in your life for one purpose and one purpose only...fi mek yuh haffi tun di p---y to the fan fi cool it off afta him done wuk.
-----------------------------------------------//-----------------------------------------------
On another note, my bredren/friend has informed me that he will be leaving the island at the end of the month to go pursue studies in England....damnit....we have plans for this weekend.....got to give and get one last hurrah. I guess I will need an entirely new Distraction to play with in the months to come, or fall back into some old but fulfilling habits.....what is to be will be.
In the end he reasoned with me saying that though he would have preferred to frig me first after my hiatus from sex, he understood that I had feelings too and he couldn't stand in the way, especially from so far, of my meeting my needs by any means necessary. He told me to go play until he can take over the reins and ride me himself. I was touched......What did I say about him being too mature.
Other than him and the Player, I usually have men that are jealous as heck...I couldn't raise this matter let alone have this kind of frank discussion about the issue with them....Boogie came closest but his knowledge of my dabblings would come after the fact, when my conscience couldn't bear it anymore or I wanted to hurt him.....this is interesting territory.
Mr ATL prefaced his "permission" with information about being unable to come back to JA before next year..... so I will definitely need a buffer in the months to come. He said he wouldn't be mad, and if I felt like, I could tell him how the session went...whether it was worth it....what the fuck??? I must admit a part of me is titillated by the thought of him listening in on a session...I will work on making that happen. He's a freak and I like him. He had one warning though, for me to be 'careful' as I played....all safety gear should be worn.....I agreed wholeheartedly cause mi 'fraid a HIV...the condom takes a lot away from the experience but it is a necessity. He also asked that I play but not get caught up....I was to save that for him he said. In a better time and place I would have been tickled by this revelation, not now though, cause its all a game.
He's a nice bredren and I knew he would come around. He may be one of those fuck buddies...ever present in your life for one purpose and one purpose only...fi mek yuh haffi tun di p---y to the fan fi cool it off afta him done wuk.
-----------------------------------------------//-----------------------------------------------
On another note, my bredren/friend has informed me that he will be leaving the island at the end of the month to go pursue studies in England....damnit....we have plans for this weekend.....got to give and get one last hurrah. I guess I will need an entirely new Distraction to play with in the months to come, or fall back into some old but fulfilling habits.....what is to be will be.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Unexpected and Unnecessary Emotions
I think I've said before in this Blog that I don't like responding to people when I am angry...soooo when I received a message from Mr. ATL at 4:00 a.m. on Saturday morning hoping that I was dreaming about him, I took some time to respond. Truth be told I awoke at 4:04 a.m cause the phone would not stop the infernal alert.....so I accessed, read and went back to bed having only gotten in at 2:30 a.m from the "set-up".
Last night I felt I was in a better place so I responded saying that I had just heard the song La bamba and I would dream about him using his tongue in a similar fashion on a particular part of my body that night. He responded saying my "...dreams will come through soon". I don't know what he had hoped to hear but I sent a message saying that "I know and I would benefit from all he had to offer when the time was right". I meant nothing venomous....I wasn't trying to play a game, I think I merely stated a fact.....clearly, with my reservations and his procrastination in the matter, maybe it would be better if we tried to undress and enjoy each other at another point in our lives...when things aren't so, complicated.
His response revealed that he had not taken the comment in the way it was intended. He asked whether it was impatience that led me to call it off or was I just trying to mess with him and if so why was I sending him mixed signals....What the.....I tried to remain even keeled but it did not work....I spoke about what I meant and midway through my explanation it dawned on me that I had no obligation to this man and ought not to be explaining my actions or words to him. I started getting too pissed so I lied and told him I couldn't get into the matter at the time and had to go.....is he for real???
Yuh si how life work....last year I had a Distraction who was too caught up in himself and who guarded his emotions like Fort Knox, and now I am being Distracted by a man who seems committed to showing too much emotion too soon...mi really salt. He needs to stop that.
I actually thought I was doing the mature thing...taking a step back and letting this one pass cause I cannot deal with another man who is a beacon of patience.....I want passion. I want a man who will take all necessary steps to ensure our mutual satisfaction....I want a man who will not hesitate to seize any opportunity to school me in the sins of the flesh......I want a man who will not tell me that my brother will stand between us getting together, one who won't think that I will not touch something else until I can touch him...and one who won't get upset when I indicate no willingness to follow the plan patiently. Patience is not a virtue I possess so why should I go down this road....I already waited in vain once, it won't happen again. I will leave him to do and feel whatever he thinks is best for him. He's nice to talk to so I see no reason why we can't be bredrens....I will give him some time.
Last night I felt I was in a better place so I responded saying that I had just heard the song La bamba and I would dream about him using his tongue in a similar fashion on a particular part of my body that night. He responded saying my "...dreams will come through soon". I don't know what he had hoped to hear but I sent a message saying that "I know and I would benefit from all he had to offer when the time was right". I meant nothing venomous....I wasn't trying to play a game, I think I merely stated a fact.....clearly, with my reservations and his procrastination in the matter, maybe it would be better if we tried to undress and enjoy each other at another point in our lives...when things aren't so, complicated.
His response revealed that he had not taken the comment in the way it was intended. He asked whether it was impatience that led me to call it off or was I just trying to mess with him and if so why was I sending him mixed signals....What the.....I tried to remain even keeled but it did not work....I spoke about what I meant and midway through my explanation it dawned on me that I had no obligation to this man and ought not to be explaining my actions or words to him. I started getting too pissed so I lied and told him I couldn't get into the matter at the time and had to go.....is he for real???
Yuh si how life work....last year I had a Distraction who was too caught up in himself and who guarded his emotions like Fort Knox, and now I am being Distracted by a man who seems committed to showing too much emotion too soon...mi really salt. He needs to stop that.
I actually thought I was doing the mature thing...taking a step back and letting this one pass cause I cannot deal with another man who is a beacon of patience.....I want passion. I want a man who will take all necessary steps to ensure our mutual satisfaction....I want a man who will not hesitate to seize any opportunity to school me in the sins of the flesh......I want a man who will not tell me that my brother will stand between us getting together, one who won't think that I will not touch something else until I can touch him...and one who won't get upset when I indicate no willingness to follow the plan patiently. Patience is not a virtue I possess so why should I go down this road....I already waited in vain once, it won't happen again. I will leave him to do and feel whatever he thinks is best for him. He's nice to talk to so I see no reason why we can't be bredrens....I will give him some time.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Mood Swings
I went to Devon House and had some of their world famous ice cream.......needless to say....I'm in a better mood. An injection of chocolate, fat and sugar always does the job....I topped it all off with a Whopper and fries and I am in a better place now......about a fifteen hundred calories more of me to love, but I don't give a ....
I haven't completely snapped out of the funk nor do i think I will for the rest of the day cause as the cold night rolls in, I am sure I will have angry regrets yet again.....for now though, I'm okay.
Sometimes we wallow in self pity, we allow our minds to upset our equilibrium with negative thoughts and we forget that we have been through worse and therefore have yielded to the dramatic tortured artist part of us which ultimately is never a good space to be in, but we relish the moments of connectedness to this perceived deeper being who feels more than anyone should......and we indulge for as long as our rational thinking selves will allow. My rational self is a little harder to find so I wallow a little longer than I should but deep down I know I will be fine........it was not my first experience and it will not be my last.
I have a set-up tonight that i don't want to go to but will have to. I 'm representing my brother who was just here and can't make it back for his Godmother's funeral......she was a good enough lady...always looking out for his interest......we spent too many Sunday mornings at her home roasting fish and crabs and conch we caught with Daddy earlier in the morning......we had too many sharing of said food with all the persons who would drop by her house.....we spent too many of the other days of the week playing with her kids and learning about our bodies when adults weren't looking.....we crept out of the house too many times with Daddy on the weekend to just guh easy inna har back yaad....we spent too much time in her presence for me not to go pay my respect.
I only hope I don't get caught up thinking about the fleeting nature of life, and the inevitability of death.....especially so close to the anniversary of my own mother's separation from this life.
I haven't completely snapped out of the funk nor do i think I will for the rest of the day cause as the cold night rolls in, I am sure I will have angry regrets yet again.....for now though, I'm okay.
Sometimes we wallow in self pity, we allow our minds to upset our equilibrium with negative thoughts and we forget that we have been through worse and therefore have yielded to the dramatic tortured artist part of us which ultimately is never a good space to be in, but we relish the moments of connectedness to this perceived deeper being who feels more than anyone should......and we indulge for as long as our rational thinking selves will allow. My rational self is a little harder to find so I wallow a little longer than I should but deep down I know I will be fine........it was not my first experience and it will not be my last.
I have a set-up tonight that i don't want to go to but will have to. I 'm representing my brother who was just here and can't make it back for his Godmother's funeral......she was a good enough lady...always looking out for his interest......we spent too many Sunday mornings at her home roasting fish and crabs and conch we caught with Daddy earlier in the morning......we had too many sharing of said food with all the persons who would drop by her house.....we spent too many of the other days of the week playing with her kids and learning about our bodies when adults weren't looking.....we crept out of the house too many times with Daddy on the weekend to just guh easy inna har back yaad....we spent too much time in her presence for me not to go pay my respect.
I only hope I don't get caught up thinking about the fleeting nature of life, and the inevitability of death.....especially so close to the anniversary of my own mother's separation from this life.
Moments
I thought in time my mind would embrace this state of being wholly and completely........I'm not there yet. Singledom is not all its crapped up to be.
The devil sent me a saviour last evening at a time when I felt I would tear the hair from my head in clumps just to counteract the yearning for male contact. I knew I could've woven sweet words together to transform the business call into something more exciting and maybe even organize, if his schedule would allow, a session where I could explore his body while honing expertise for a greater challenge but.......I was an obedient girl. I stayed true to my renewed commitment to keeping all of God's commandments and I survived the night, even after he hung up and I kicked myself for being so good, and clenched my fists so that I could not dial him back.
This morning though, I am filled with regret.....which I think is a better emotion than what I would be dealing with were I to have been unsuccessful in restraining myself from committing error deeds. Had I indulged myself I would probably be filled with guilt and hurt this morning, and that wouldn't be good.
Why am I torturing myself? Because I remember wailing upon the Lord to deliver me, countless times, last year from my stupid besotted state and he answered my call. I figure, in light of this gift, the least I can do is try to be a better being by adhering the best I can to his tenets for life....especially the whole Thou Shalt Not covet, lust, commit adultery and fornicate laws. As well as the fact that I think my game is too weak so I should protect myself and not engage in the game until I am more focused and resolute in my approach.
I am not the strongest person so maintaining this effort, like everything else I try to do, is proving challenging. So today, I wish I could get a hug....the type that relieves all the stress, the type that only two people who are blessed with love can share. That qualifier eliminates any options I would have. Today is therefore a very sad moment in my life.
The devil sent me a saviour last evening at a time when I felt I would tear the hair from my head in clumps just to counteract the yearning for male contact. I knew I could've woven sweet words together to transform the business call into something more exciting and maybe even organize, if his schedule would allow, a session where I could explore his body while honing expertise for a greater challenge but.......I was an obedient girl. I stayed true to my renewed commitment to keeping all of God's commandments and I survived the night, even after he hung up and I kicked myself for being so good, and clenched my fists so that I could not dial him back.
This morning though, I am filled with regret.....which I think is a better emotion than what I would be dealing with were I to have been unsuccessful in restraining myself from committing error deeds. Had I indulged myself I would probably be filled with guilt and hurt this morning, and that wouldn't be good.
Why am I torturing myself? Because I remember wailing upon the Lord to deliver me, countless times, last year from my stupid besotted state and he answered my call. I figure, in light of this gift, the least I can do is try to be a better being by adhering the best I can to his tenets for life....especially the whole Thou Shalt Not covet, lust, commit adultery and fornicate laws. As well as the fact that I think my game is too weak so I should protect myself and not engage in the game until I am more focused and resolute in my approach.
I am not the strongest person so maintaining this effort, like everything else I try to do, is proving challenging. So today, I wish I could get a hug....the type that relieves all the stress, the type that only two people who are blessed with love can share. That qualifier eliminates any options I would have. Today is therefore a very sad moment in my life.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Feeling the Feeling
Today is a rainy, gloomy, wishing I could be tongue lashed day.
Its amazing how the moment you start engaging in sexual activity the thoughts and urges become even stronger instead of dissipating.....this is not good. The thing is, I don't want Boogie, the Player has been interesting of late but I'm not motivated enough to mess with him (I guess once bitten.....) so I don't want him either.....that leaves my bredren/friend, who is too far away to assist in this time....bottom line therefore is......like I-Maroon song seh "....Mi salt, mi salt, mi salt..."
Its amazing how the moment you start engaging in sexual activity the thoughts and urges become even stronger instead of dissipating.....this is not good. The thing is, I don't want Boogie, the Player has been interesting of late but I'm not motivated enough to mess with him (I guess once bitten.....) so I don't want him either.....that leaves my bredren/friend, who is too far away to assist in this time....bottom line therefore is......like I-Maroon song seh "....Mi salt, mi salt, mi salt..."
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Growing Pains
Sometimes I like being single....other times it gets on my nerve. I require stability.....I'm tired of messing around now. I counted the number of men I have in the offing and I was ashamed of myself.....I need to stop destroying myself and my relationships...I need to stop changing the rules as I go along, I need to be less angry when I don't get what I want.....in essence, I probably need to grow up a bit.
Its hard though. Its like being on a roller coaster where initially you move away from the offending issues but eventually you realise that you keep returning to the same issues, only with different people....this tells you therefore that the problem isn't them, but you. How do you fix something like that? Getting professional help did cross my mind...but I don't think so.
Case in point......I had a rough week last week, I particularly had a black Monday which ended well I thought cause as I pulled up to my gate that evening, so did Boogie, like an Angel sent to rescue me from the evils of this world...if only for a night. Needless to say I was very accommodating. We made dinner, laughed a bit and messed around a lot. We were good up to his departure at around 2 a.m. I slept well.
I was extremely busy the next day so the fact that he had not called to say hey was disturbing but I couldn't focus much attention on that fact at the time. As the evening dragged on however, it became very present in my mind. I checked my voice mail only to find that he had called. He sped over the how are you, and asked me for a number for my brother.....I got pissed. When he turned up at my gate that night, I indicated that my brother wasn't at home...since that's all he really wanted to know. Sensing that all was not well, he asked what the problem was "now"...that pushed me over the edge.....I display, usually, two types of anger...there's the loud one, and then there's the barely whispering type. The latter is the most scary for me and others I think.....the latter is used when it hurts so much, that you can't even compel yourself to talk about the issue. This was who he saw after that comment. I was holding on to myself from the tips of my toes to every strand of hair on my head......I wanted to "paan a big stick and ef him a @#%&* lick"...that would have been really, really wrong, so I whispered goodbye and asked him to lock the door on his way out. He left eventually in total disbelief at my behaviour and my lack of motivation to even tell him why I was being the way I was being.
We spoke yesterday though, when he asked again what was wrong....I told him I hadn't expected to be treated like a "slap"....not by him...I expect my distractions to treat with me in this way, I usually am not upset, cause it is what it is with them, with him though, I expected.....better. You see, the love I have for him is sooo deep that at times I wonder if I will ever be possessed with the right words to convey how much I feel for him......so if he treats me like trash, then I hurt as deeply as I love him......"that's a whole heap a hurt".....now he can never convince me that that isn't all I am to him. I guess I cause these thngs on myself though. Everytime I cross the line with him it hurts....that can't be good.
He apologized....he told me that he could never treat me like that and that our relationship means much more to him than a "slap", and that I should know better......but men never really think about how women view their actions, they assume we are like them and will understand, at all times, what they mean by what they say, do or don't do.....this is an error, and I am a proud girl, and he will never be able to convince me that I wasn't and am not considered as just a fuck....I will never get over this one.
It has made it clear in my mind that I need to move on. I need to invest my energy in finding a partner...not a distraction, not just someone for sex cause it feels good to play with their strings, but a companion someone to go home to at night, someone I can cuddle with, someone to ret my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, someone who, for him, I am not just a game or a fuck.....someone who will accept me for who and what I am.....a weepy heart girl who can frig him til his eyes turn over. That's a tall order....I guess that's why I am still single....This too shall pass.
Its hard though. Its like being on a roller coaster where initially you move away from the offending issues but eventually you realise that you keep returning to the same issues, only with different people....this tells you therefore that the problem isn't them, but you. How do you fix something like that? Getting professional help did cross my mind...but I don't think so.
Case in point......I had a rough week last week, I particularly had a black Monday which ended well I thought cause as I pulled up to my gate that evening, so did Boogie, like an Angel sent to rescue me from the evils of this world...if only for a night. Needless to say I was very accommodating. We made dinner, laughed a bit and messed around a lot. We were good up to his departure at around 2 a.m. I slept well.
I was extremely busy the next day so the fact that he had not called to say hey was disturbing but I couldn't focus much attention on that fact at the time. As the evening dragged on however, it became very present in my mind. I checked my voice mail only to find that he had called. He sped over the how are you, and asked me for a number for my brother.....I got pissed. When he turned up at my gate that night, I indicated that my brother wasn't at home...since that's all he really wanted to know. Sensing that all was not well, he asked what the problem was "now"...that pushed me over the edge.....I display, usually, two types of anger...there's the loud one, and then there's the barely whispering type. The latter is the most scary for me and others I think.....the latter is used when it hurts so much, that you can't even compel yourself to talk about the issue. This was who he saw after that comment. I was holding on to myself from the tips of my toes to every strand of hair on my head......I wanted to "paan a big stick and ef him a @#%&* lick"...that would have been really, really wrong, so I whispered goodbye and asked him to lock the door on his way out. He left eventually in total disbelief at my behaviour and my lack of motivation to even tell him why I was being the way I was being.
We spoke yesterday though, when he asked again what was wrong....I told him I hadn't expected to be treated like a "slap"....not by him...I expect my distractions to treat with me in this way, I usually am not upset, cause it is what it is with them, with him though, I expected.....better. You see, the love I have for him is sooo deep that at times I wonder if I will ever be possessed with the right words to convey how much I feel for him......so if he treats me like trash, then I hurt as deeply as I love him......"that's a whole heap a hurt".....now he can never convince me that that isn't all I am to him. I guess I cause these thngs on myself though. Everytime I cross the line with him it hurts....that can't be good.
He apologized....he told me that he could never treat me like that and that our relationship means much more to him than a "slap", and that I should know better......but men never really think about how women view their actions, they assume we are like them and will understand, at all times, what they mean by what they say, do or don't do.....this is an error, and I am a proud girl, and he will never be able to convince me that I wasn't and am not considered as just a fuck....I will never get over this one.
It has made it clear in my mind that I need to move on. I need to invest my energy in finding a partner...not a distraction, not just someone for sex cause it feels good to play with their strings, but a companion someone to go home to at night, someone I can cuddle with, someone to ret my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, someone who, for him, I am not just a game or a fuck.....someone who will accept me for who and what I am.....a weepy heart girl who can frig him til his eyes turn over. That's a tall order....I guess that's why I am still single....This too shall pass.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Men
I called Mr ATL last night.....it had been a long day, where people seemed committed to pissing me off. I wanted to hear a friendly voice after leaving work at 10pm, so I called. He was the usual him...too effing mature. he had ditties about my taking people in stride and just being patient.....what the F--k is happening with me? Are all the men I meet gonna be Job when it comes to me....F--k them all. I want a guy who will be hot headed and hot blooded like me once in a while, damn it.
Clearly I am having a bad morning. I need to get me some and I told Mr. ATL as much and indicated that I couldn't wait on him. He was quiet for a bit.....I don't know why...did he really think I would save myself for him? Why? He's a married man and he knows I am a single girl....why would he think that he could ask of me such a thing...why would he think that I would adhere to his word. He's a Jamaican man, a St. Mary man at that, and they are not nice usually in matters of the heart. I reacted badly to it all and I told him in certain terms that there is no ring on my finger and I am my own big woman and would do as I effing pleased while he remained patient.
I have said it before......men are too special.
Apparently I come across as a 'Pollyanna', I will disabuse Mr. ATL and in fact the whole world of this notion. Increasingly I am realising that it is time to play....I fought a great fight I think but now I need to accept my failings and say FRIG IT ALL. Enough.
Clearly I am having a bad morning. I need to get me some and I told Mr. ATL as much and indicated that I couldn't wait on him. He was quiet for a bit.....I don't know why...did he really think I would save myself for him? Why? He's a married man and he knows I am a single girl....why would he think that he could ask of me such a thing...why would he think that I would adhere to his word. He's a Jamaican man, a St. Mary man at that, and they are not nice usually in matters of the heart. I reacted badly to it all and I told him in certain terms that there is no ring on my finger and I am my own big woman and would do as I effing pleased while he remained patient.
I have said it before......men are too special.
Apparently I come across as a 'Pollyanna', I will disabuse Mr. ATL and in fact the whole world of this notion. Increasingly I am realising that it is time to play....I fought a great fight I think but now I need to accept my failings and say FRIG IT ALL. Enough.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
