Defending my Offense

I bowed to the need to send the silly texts and emails.....I'm filled with regret now.........I'm angry and this time the cause is not me...........all I wanted was a hug, nothing more, just a hug......he did not respond....that hurt...so as is customary, I got angry and wrote some things I probably shouldn't have, but this is who I am.

It really just got worse after that....he called.....I was too angry to answer, might have verbalised a lot more than I should've if I had (I like to do combo expletives at times.....it doesn't sound so good).......I wasn't sorry for doing what I did when I called today....it was raining and I guess I just wanted to........I don't know what I wanted to do.

I know he's busy, its a busy time......I know this, but him not answering doesn't feel so good............maybe he's upset with me, maybe he just wants to draw the line now........again.....maybe he's just being him, I don't care about the reason really, it just hurts to know that everything has to be his way, what he wants, how he wants it to be, when he wants, everything.............why can't I lead for a bit?........just once even?

When I think about the outcome of an innocent attempt to get a hug I realise that everything is too hard with him. I wish my available distractions were more distracting.

Cruelty

Cruelty is:

- directing me to yourspace when you know that most of your "friends" are female and there's that one whose fucking flamboyant HI can't fucking be deleted...its been on since last year.

- taking me in stride waiting for my anger to subside once again without thinking to take steps to quell it

- hoping to find a new fucking job so that you can cease being around the temptation and not being able to locate your resume in soft or hard for that matter

- recognising that this story must end but falling each time you are resolved not to

- trying to deal from a better place knowing that you just aren't witty, knowledgeable or fucking heavyweight enough to spark interest and desire which he would act upon

- continuing to be a DAMN FOOL when you know you are better than that

- looking at willing parties at home and abroad and not taking advantage

- hoping that your actions yesterday doesn't prompt him to finally form the fuck off words

- knowing that the only peace you can have is wrapped up in him saying those two words, then the heart would break fully and there would be no more room for wonderment, no room for possibilities, knowing that that day would be one of the worse days of your life, but also knowing that after the storm, there will be calm....finally.

- being unable to find ones way back to the path of Righteousness

Blazing

I get angry too easily.....there's just something about him that makes me feel foolish when I fall and he doesn't provide a safety net.

It shouldn't be so easy for me to get angry at what he doesn't or does do.....It shouldn't be this easy to forget myself and where we are as I rollout claaughts......it shouldn't be this easy.....I have got to get this temper under some semblance of sustained control. Why do some men make it so hard for a woman to just be a fucking woman.

I need a little more than an exercise routine right now.....today......I need more, and unfortunately only a spirit with which one is comfortable can deliver the love making that's required to undo all the damage done by the 2 month break......mi caan leggo all this oil pan some poor unsuspecting new distraction........Afterall, a new toy couldn't find that spot, couldn't drive down until more pain than pleasure is felt, a new toy wouldn't understand that its okay to go deeper even though my hand is bracing against his chest, he wouldn't get it.....he wouldn't last long enough.

I guess throughout this experience I have learnt that I'm just a weak being...why fight a battle for celibacy........I can't win.

Hard Road to Travel

Cruelty is:

- recognising that I am fighting myself to stay away from you and calling me on a Saturday. What the fuck am I supposed to think if you do that? The thoughts running through my mind as I debated answering were:
this must be a fluke...in which case why answer
what if its wifey being investigative.... then better I not answer
what if its about work......then definitely I'm not answering...that would piss me off more
I never answered.

- continuing to call for my boss on my phone, knowing that this pisses me off
- inflicting so much hurt on self by indulging in delusions about the possibility that his desire may have risen up so much that he would break the rules and call on a Saturday for a hook up.

How can one person be so selfish? How can he not give me the peace I need, how can he not say "fuck off"......doesn't he know that he won.....that he has beaten me into submission, into knowing that I am not as good as I had thought I was at these things......I just want to pretend it all never happened until I can do something more permanent to put it all behind us? Why does he continue to pretend with me when he clearly has no interest?

Now I am here, after good dialogue yesterday......I think....wishing I could tell him I don't want to be a Big Girl today, that I don't want to be tough today, That today I want to be a woman who gets hug and maybe even a kiss from him......

Now I am here praying for this vibe to pass, cause to act on it will reverse the healing undergone.
I just want it all to stop......I made it today to the 2 month mark and I want to continue down this path of abstinence but I want to feel feminine, and what makes you feel more feminine than surrendering yourself to a man who knows what to do with your body.

Its a hard road to travel and a mighty long way to go yet still I remain confident that I will rise like the Phoenix from the ashes of my broken heart.

Ramblings.....Again

I'm still celibate.....I don't like it but its necessary.

My not having sex has had good result........I think less or I am too exhausted to think, it has cleared a path for a real exercise programme to be establishe din my life......I get to contort myself into interesting positions which is a good replacement for the other positions to which I had become accustomed, with the added pleasure of no stress, no fight for possession, no convincing that this will be the last time, no hassle, of course no human contact either, which I really, really, really miss, I would love a fucking hug..... but sometimes the burn is almost orgasmic too so I guess its the closest thing to the real thing......

I have realised that there is no good place in this life for a feeling being......feeling people are three times beaten in this life.....one should therefore always strive to construct great walls around the heart, cause failure to do so will result in affection. This would not be problematic if the object of ones affection returned even an ounce.

I will blacklist feeling and feelings.

This culprit is responsibile for error thoughts, erroneous action and ultimately loss of ground in the battle. I did something silly, again....when will I learn...now I don't think I will make it to my target of two months, cause I feel like fucking my blues away.....I didn't want to start fucking again in this place that I am in, emotionally, how can I take revenge on myself with myself???? But that's what I feel like doing to find something to clutch at.....I know this will lead to a few meaningless sexual encounters and I am getting too damn old for that shit......that or I'll revert to previous comfortable ground.....and I don't want that either......I need to stop thinking.

The devil seems intent on tempting me through this 40 day and night period. I am a month and two weeks into my celibacy, my target being 2 months, but it is past being a bearable undertaking, so I am on the field in the evenings and on my bike in the mornings, just to burn off some of the excess energy. Its tough, its really tough........its hard to believe I went 19 years without yet now can bearly stand two days without.......one of those things in this life I guess.

Anyway, I've been bombarded from Thursday with ample opportunities to break my vow...... from Boogie to my nemesis and the distractions in between as well as first love...... all forces seem to be conspiring to fuck me. They say God doesn't give you more than you can bear, so I have concluded that he thinks I have very broad shoulders.

The nemesis interaction was particularly not so good....seems I have given up trying to hide my true "tell it like it is self"...... I got thrown into a meeting with him.......I tried to get out of it but I had to limit the intensity of my protest so that it would not raise too many questions, w spoke afterwards and I confessed that my anger is never directed at him, but really is about me and my inability to play this game a little better and for being affected by him. He gave the usual excuse for not making contact, having to work and being swamped managing situations and self....bullshit really. Anyway, that's part of this life too, he simply doesn't want to handle me, and this is cool....... I verbalised my request for "fuck off" to be said in order to provide me with closure and therefore stop me from making a bigger fool of myself.....I still can't believe I said it like that, but he was pissing with me again, so I surrendered to the anger. He refused to do as he was told, surprise , surprise. He is either extremely cruel, to continue to torture me with "possible interest", or too much of a control freak to bend to the will of a simple being such as myself. Thankfully though, I have not demeaned myself further by sending the usual silly texts and emails in hopes that there will be no period of deep regret having believed his lies again and eventually recognising my gullibility.

There is now nothing left to get out of my system. I finally have accepted the fact that what he wants is intermitent indulgence, and I guess that may be the best scenario for us given my inadequacies, but I don't want that. I want to be able to call him, within reason, at least some of the time, I want to know that if I were to call and say "I want you" that there will be a fire in him to ensure that my request is met within a day or two, I want to be able to get to know him, to chat with the real him, that's the one I like, I want to not be angry at the sight of his pleased reaction to a text or e-mail from another, I want him to think about my feelings when he engages in little tete a tete's with my boss, I simply want too much of him and its unfair and wrong......these things are not supposed to be this heavy, so I admit that I was wrong about this one, I was wrong to bring him into the turmoil that is me and I am sorry, and I wish one day that he could know that I was sorry for........this. Every relationship has one partner who is stronger, one partner to take the tough decisions, even if the decision ends up hurting the other party, immensely, and I wish to thank him for being that partner.

I will admit that it still hurts, but I get it now....I do..... and I will try with everything in me to do better now. Time will heal it all, all I have to do is not get caught in situations and discussions with him.......not now, not yet, not while he can still titillate me by just being in the room.

From the get go I think he was able to read me, that he was able to do that is somewhat stimulating for me. "I'm sweet" he says, once you get beyond the armour. Few men are able to stay in the game long enough to get beyond the armour, its sad that he has and now can use it against me.......not the most ideal thing for a work fling.....so now I have to think about how to ensure that he doesn't have too much opportunity to play with his new toy and in this quest maybe I can find a way to sleep the night before I have to go into a meeting with him, maybe I can find a way to forget the fool I was, maybe I could just forget that it all happened in the way it happened.

Overwhelmed

Cloud nine..........a myth, a subreality....one never really gets there, its an ideal, a place imbedded in our subconscious by nuturers, a pedestallike condition which one spends forever chasing.

Today is not good....I knew it wouldn't be.....I knew that from Januray 1........to complicate matters Boogie called to wish me well for the day.......this lovers day, he called to wish me well....how could I be well.

I tried the angry response thing in hopes that it would counteract the deep longing to relax in him inside me....he wasn't having it.......after my rant and asking why he would do something like this, today of all days, he said I didn't have to get upset, there was no ulterior motive, he just wanted to hear my voice on this day and let me know that he missed waking up with me today......that's all.......I broke.

I'll make a wish today and seal it with a kiss..........I wish I were stronger.

Heathen Back Deh

I was one of those persons who felt absolute anger when Kern cried in the House. I laughed at him cause"man fi tek dem comupance like man".....I get it now though........I want to tell the little green men and women 'bout dem bumboclaat but I can't cause I don't have a breadwinner right now so chances are I will need to work for a few years longer..............................................(Sigh)

Dem people yah a get to mi, dem grate every nerve mi have....mi need a work. Change seems to be an integral part of my life this year......I always knew I would need to own my own business cause me and authority jus' don't click.....it bad enough when is sensible authority, but when a fool fool people a try gwaan like dem can lead, it really, really hard to continue to be a part of the unstructured approach to organisation.......

Need a job change or a bath out a St. Thomas, maybe then I can cut off all a di crosses.......mi a draw fi a Sizzla CD, to be followed by Richie Spice as the I trod this difficult trod.

In the End

At the end of almost 11 years of togetherness you realise you cannot speak to each other......points are made with deep yelps from the core and words become weapons of mass destruction, aimed at destroying any remnant feeling......then time, time passes without contact as if you were never a part of each other's lives, as if you never cared.

The curtain comes down on us through strained conversation which is necessary to tie off loose ends, it is then that you finally hold some attention but the occasion is marred with contemplation of what not to say to set each other off, what not to do to unravel previous victorious ground gained........looking into each other's eyes or sharing an embrace is an absolute no no, not yet......definately not yet, cause you both are vulnerable.

How could two strangers emerge from such a long and deep love.....how could the 17 year separation in age not result in him being the mature one, the one to take the lead.....how could he not know that everything done was never about me, or the other people, but just him.

In the final analysis, when you see love all around, you conclude that he just didn't love you enough to be the man you needed him to be......the truth of this revelation echoes through you and infuses your soul....he just didn't love you enough.

Ramblings 9

I suspect that my next couple of posts will be of the "love sick...er" variety, so if you've just eaten you may wish to choose some other form of entertainment.

I realised today that I have not had a decent hug since the beginning of the year. I've gotten a few, but none from the men I want...I guess. How do single people do this?....What's sweeter than having the person who you share an intimate relationship with hold you in is arms, cradle your head in his chest, squeeze you until you exhale......what's greater than that?

As I sit here sapped of energy, fighting like hell not to fall and make contact....again.....I realise that I'm always the one falling first, seems he should want me enough to fall too......of course this action is actually dependent on him caring and wanting to, and I should know by now that he doesn't care or want to.

With this settled I suspect I will have a few more posts like this, as I resolve to do everything in my power not to think about him.......not to think about; my new found freedom and the opprtunityI now have for guiltfree exploration of what the world has to offer; my DAMN celibacy ( a month and a week gone) and how much I feel like @!%&ing.

I'll send these thoughts to this blog and hope that it provides some relief through this heartfilled and impatient period.

I remember always, that "If a Man Wants a Woman, NOTHING can Keep Him Away".

Angry Black Female in need

How many times can the heart break before it stops?

Letting go shouldn't be this hard.........why does he continue to break me?

Had I really had ENOUGH I wouldn't be thinking about making him moan and groan......But what am I holding on to anyway....a memory of his hands, his tongue, the feel of him?

How can a memory have me so sprung? At the very least I should be getting fucked regularly out of this arrangement.....other than sex we have nothing in common, so why then am I titillated at the thought of him?There is no future even if there is "something", so why is he so present in my mind? No good could come of it. He has accepted this fact, why can't I?....Why am I so consumed?

I wish to slap myself, if this could be my bridge away from the other side........................God, this rips into everthing in me, everything...................It shouldn't be this hard.......IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS HARD TO DO.........


I just want to enjoy what he has to offer, where, when and how ever I wish. I couldn't care less that he's married.....I have nothing to do with her and she nothing to do with me..... he could use some of what I've taught him with her (spice shit up)....fuck it......I want to indulge in him like a full bodied red wine......I don't want him to be my 'breadwinner'....all I want is to fuck him until he becomes and groaner......that's all I want.....to fuck....simple really.

I do wish to respect what he wants, but I want what I want too.
(Grrrrrrr)

I'm not gonna do anything about what I'm feeling......I just wanted to articulate what I want as at this moment.

The Cycle

"....Every Man Thinketh His Burden is the Heaviest..." - Bob Marley

Wonders abound, opportunities run rife but there is no fire to spur action to take advantage, take charge, grab hold of my pieces of this Life.

Confusion...
It should be easy to clutch at straws, place emphasis on day to day life......see the out provided....grow up, but....
Comfort comes in the written word but this area of rest you recognise, is detrimental to the process. The dust trail behind is littered with bits and pieces of former iterations of self, yet still there is no motivation. The problem to be solved is constant disappointment with the persistent deprivation of clarity, and this opens the mind to possibilities.
Misinterpretations...
Naturally ensue.....weaving sub realities which can be used to advantage. Self induced favourable perspectives stir action and the destruction of resolutions begins....erroneously.....temptation diminishes drive for victory in the war.......then practicality, lucidity, doing the right thing are overuled.
Situations...
Change and proximity, of necessity, is reduced to a room....claustrophobia sets in....stifled sentiment flows to the surface and essential error is in the offing.
Falling...
With blurred focus, harm is committed........momentary relief transforms quickly however into grief.......resolutions are effected again....eventually.
Patience.....
Pursued but Lost
Realisation...
It is an unacceptable situation....energy is retsored to fight.......hope for better is forever the goal......a better being to be......a stronger iteration of self is born.......sustaining this form is a requirement......until

Relationships 2

February 6, 2008

Relationships are Fuckery.

Every new player brings minimal adjustment to the game but ultimately it all comes down to the same thing...man and woman, confusion, too much feelings, irrationality, complication, sadness really. There are no guarantees, no scope for ordered buildout and before you know it, you need time to relinquish the hold.

Eventually though, you realise that time is like the proverbial "watched pot" ........if you wait around to see it pass, watching its every move, willing the sun to rise and set so that you can count days to redemption, it will never end.

We should always remember that time passes before we even think to question, without recognition. Time is a bashful companion which will unveil itself slowly....avert your eyes and let it be free so to do.

Enough

This, like everything else in life, will pass. All I have to do is let it. Enough time has passed, enough musing about him has occurred, Enough of him consuming my thoughts and invading my sleep, Enough, Enough , Enough.

I'm not angry.....I'm not chastising myself for feeling the way I do about him.....I'm simply accepting the fact that he got under my skin......and I am repentant for my sin. I'm tired.....I need rest. I have to take charge of me once more, cause no one else will. I must admit that I was never very good at multi-tasking and my life has suffered from this distraction. I admit too that he makes me cry and crying over a man is never good, but crying over a married man is even worse.

The sex was good and that marked my undoing, it was memorable and I liked it. No he wasn't the biggest I'd ever had or the thickest but there was just something about the full package of his love making. I liked the way he found the right balance between letting me have my way with him and reminding me that the only power I have is that which he gives me....when it was time to show who was in charge, he showed it.

I had always liked him, yes he's too cocky and yes he thinks he knows it all, but it was intriguing to watch him try to transform your point into his when he realised there might be something to it and worse if your solution was actually more workable than his....he's too good at twisting words for his own damn good.....Yes he annoys the crap out of me sometimes, but in bed he wasn't like that, he was just a man, weak to the touch of a woman and I liked his total surrender at times. Then again, I am foolish in this matter so maybe there really wasn't anything....maybe I just liked the idea of Him. But like I said, I had always liked him, from as far back as 2002 when a boss of mine told me he had enquired about me...not in a "look yuh" kinda way, but just that he wanted to know if I was still around. It struck a chord with me.

I'm slow so this revelation went in one ear and out the other, until one dayI got a call from him, uusual, it was 7ish at night......I was waiting for my little brother to finish class so that I could take him home.....I had time to kill so we spoke, mostly about work but it struck me as strange....but again, I am slow in these matters especially when one has to wade through so much to get at the truth......so it rolled out of my mind as soon as I'd hung up.

This didn't stop me from thinking that there might have been something there though, but I had to think about the fact that he was married and I must admit too that I had my hands full juggling two men at that time, adding another complication to the mix would've been too challenging for me. With that decided, I would return his flirting every so often but nothing too deep that I wouldn't be able to pretend it never happened or that it couldn't be interpreted in a logical sense, thereby ensuring my ass was covered if there really was nothing....afterall he really is annoying, too dogmatic, and I knew he would be quite a challenge to like in that way.

I remember calling him once when I was between the devil and the deep blue sea.....first love had just left the island for good and Boogie was trying with all his might to stay away from me, and I didn't want to break his stride. I was thankful that he didn't answer cause I wasn't quite sure what I would've said.....I relaise now that the Lord had been protecting me from then. I guess I just started believing what my colleagues then were telling me. They would ask if I was blind, to not see that he had a crush on me....I would laugh and explain it away with ditties like "he's just being courteous" or that he probably just saw me as a doe eyed fan of his brain.

It got to a ridiculous point where they would come back from meetings telling me how much he had enquired about me, I just figured they were making shit up or exaggerating the intensity of his enquiry. One issue really made me think though....myself and a colleague went to a Conference on the other side of the island and I don't travel well, so when we got in I was sicker than a mothereffer. I struggled through the sessions as best I could and had a rough night ending with me visiting the onsight hospital/medical centre for an injection. As part of the effect of this I had to sleep, so I misssed the better part of the morning sessions the next day. When I felt better, I went down to grab what I could of the afternoon sessions. My colleague informed that he had asked about me and remarked that he knew something was wrong with me from the moment I came in the door the first day.....this seemed a little more than a passing interest to me, but again I am slow in these matters. This story did the office rounds and I suffered much teasing thereafter. Eventually though it all passed, but not without my being the chosen one to deliver bad news or a differing view to him.....my colleagues thought I would fare better cause he wouldn't have the heart to shout at me....it worked in our favour for a while.

I guess I finally believed the hype last year and that was another error, so I am paying the price now.

Anyway, I am rambling.....As I said before, I always liked him....he probably just needs to loosen that tie a bit and accept the fact he has reached and be proud of his humble beginnings and where he is now, not because its fashionable, which is how it comes across, but just because he went through the struggle and is where he is now because he refused to stop pressing along, and he doesn't have to remind people that he has made it.......Anyway, I really like him, I just can't do this anymore....somethings in life are not meant to be and this seems to be one of them.