Enough

This, like everything else in life, will pass. All I have to do is let it. Enough time has passed, enough musing about him has occurred, Enough of him consuming my thoughts and invading my sleep, Enough, Enough , Enough.

I'm not angry.....I'm not chastising myself for feeling the way I do about him.....I'm simply accepting the fact that he got under my skin......and I am repentant for my sin. I'm tired.....I need rest. I have to take charge of me once more, cause no one else will. I must admit that I was never very good at multi-tasking and my life has suffered from this distraction. I admit too that he makes me cry and crying over a man is never good, but crying over a married man is even worse.

The sex was good and that marked my undoing, it was memorable and I liked it. No he wasn't the biggest I'd ever had or the thickest but there was just something about the full package of his love making. I liked the way he found the right balance between letting me have my way with him and reminding me that the only power I have is that which he gives me....when it was time to show who was in charge, he showed it.

I had always liked him, yes he's too cocky and yes he thinks he knows it all, but it was intriguing to watch him try to transform your point into his when he realised there might be something to it and worse if your solution was actually more workable than his....he's too good at twisting words for his own damn good.....Yes he annoys the crap out of me sometimes, but in bed he wasn't like that, he was just a man, weak to the touch of a woman and I liked his total surrender at times. Then again, I am foolish in this matter so maybe there really wasn't anything....maybe I just liked the idea of Him. But like I said, I had always liked him, from as far back as 2002 when a boss of mine told me he had enquired about me...not in a "look yuh" kinda way, but just that he wanted to know if I was still around. It struck a chord with me.

I'm slow so this revelation went in one ear and out the other, until one dayI got a call from him, uusual, it was 7ish at night......I was waiting for my little brother to finish class so that I could take him home.....I had time to kill so we spoke, mostly about work but it struck me as strange....but again, I am slow in these matters especially when one has to wade through so much to get at the truth......so it rolled out of my mind as soon as I'd hung up.

This didn't stop me from thinking that there might have been something there though, but I had to think about the fact that he was married and I must admit too that I had my hands full juggling two men at that time, adding another complication to the mix would've been too challenging for me. With that decided, I would return his flirting every so often but nothing too deep that I wouldn't be able to pretend it never happened or that it couldn't be interpreted in a logical sense, thereby ensuring my ass was covered if there really was nothing....afterall he really is annoying, too dogmatic, and I knew he would be quite a challenge to like in that way.

I remember calling him once when I was between the devil and the deep blue sea.....first love had just left the island for good and Boogie was trying with all his might to stay away from me, and I didn't want to break his stride. I was thankful that he didn't answer cause I wasn't quite sure what I would've said.....I relaise now that the Lord had been protecting me from then. I guess I just started believing what my colleagues then were telling me. They would ask if I was blind, to not see that he had a crush on me....I would laugh and explain it away with ditties like "he's just being courteous" or that he probably just saw me as a doe eyed fan of his brain.

It got to a ridiculous point where they would come back from meetings telling me how much he had enquired about me, I just figured they were making shit up or exaggerating the intensity of his enquiry. One issue really made me think though....myself and a colleague went to a Conference on the other side of the island and I don't travel well, so when we got in I was sicker than a mothereffer. I struggled through the sessions as best I could and had a rough night ending with me visiting the onsight hospital/medical centre for an injection. As part of the effect of this I had to sleep, so I misssed the better part of the morning sessions the next day. When I felt better, I went down to grab what I could of the afternoon sessions. My colleague informed that he had asked about me and remarked that he knew something was wrong with me from the moment I came in the door the first day.....this seemed a little more than a passing interest to me, but again I am slow in these matters. This story did the office rounds and I suffered much teasing thereafter. Eventually though it all passed, but not without my being the chosen one to deliver bad news or a differing view to him.....my colleagues thought I would fare better cause he wouldn't have the heart to shout at me....it worked in our favour for a while.

I guess I finally believed the hype last year and that was another error, so I am paying the price now.

Anyway, I am rambling.....As I said before, I always liked him....he probably just needs to loosen that tie a bit and accept the fact he has reached and be proud of his humble beginnings and where he is now, not because its fashionable, which is how it comes across, but just because he went through the struggle and is where he is now because he refused to stop pressing along, and he doesn't have to remind people that he has made it.......Anyway, I really like him, I just can't do this anymore....somethings in life are not meant to be and this seems to be one of them.