Hard Road to Travel

Cruelty is:

- recognising that I am fighting myself to stay away from you and calling me on a Saturday. What the fuck am I supposed to think if you do that? The thoughts running through my mind as I debated answering were:
this must be a fluke...in which case why answer
what if its wifey being investigative.... then better I not answer
what if its about work......then definitely I'm not answering...that would piss me off more
I never answered.

- continuing to call for my boss on my phone, knowing that this pisses me off
- inflicting so much hurt on self by indulging in delusions about the possibility that his desire may have risen up so much that he would break the rules and call on a Saturday for a hook up.

How can one person be so selfish? How can he not give me the peace I need, how can he not say "fuck off"......doesn't he know that he won.....that he has beaten me into submission, into knowing that I am not as good as I had thought I was at these things......I just want to pretend it all never happened until I can do something more permanent to put it all behind us? Why does he continue to pretend with me when he clearly has no interest?

Now I am here, after good dialogue yesterday......I think....wishing I could tell him I don't want to be a Big Girl today, that I don't want to be tough today, That today I want to be a woman who gets hug and maybe even a kiss from him......

Now I am here praying for this vibe to pass, cause to act on it will reverse the healing undergone.
I just want it all to stop......I made it today to the 2 month mark and I want to continue down this path of abstinence but I want to feel feminine, and what makes you feel more feminine than surrendering yourself to a man who knows what to do with your body.

Its a hard road to travel and a mighty long way to go yet still I remain confident that I will rise like the Phoenix from the ashes of my broken heart.