The devil seems intent on tempting me through this 40 day and night period. I am a month and two weeks into my celibacy, my target being 2 months, but it is past being a bearable undertaking, so I am on the field in the evenings and on my bike in the mornings, just to burn off some of the excess energy. Its tough, its really tough........its hard to believe I went 19 years without yet now can bearly stand two days without.......one of those things in this life I guess.

Anyway, I've been bombarded from Thursday with ample opportunities to break my vow...... from Boogie to my nemesis and the distractions in between as well as first love...... all forces seem to be conspiring to fuck me. They say God doesn't give you more than you can bear, so I have concluded that he thinks I have very broad shoulders.

The nemesis interaction was particularly not so good....seems I have given up trying to hide my true "tell it like it is self"...... I got thrown into a meeting with him.......I tried to get out of it but I had to limit the intensity of my protest so that it would not raise too many questions, w spoke afterwards and I confessed that my anger is never directed at him, but really is about me and my inability to play this game a little better and for being affected by him. He gave the usual excuse for not making contact, having to work and being swamped managing situations and self....bullshit really. Anyway, that's part of this life too, he simply doesn't want to handle me, and this is cool....... I verbalised my request for "fuck off" to be said in order to provide me with closure and therefore stop me from making a bigger fool of myself.....I still can't believe I said it like that, but he was pissing with me again, so I surrendered to the anger. He refused to do as he was told, surprise , surprise. He is either extremely cruel, to continue to torture me with "possible interest", or too much of a control freak to bend to the will of a simple being such as myself. Thankfully though, I have not demeaned myself further by sending the usual silly texts and emails in hopes that there will be no period of deep regret having believed his lies again and eventually recognising my gullibility.

There is now nothing left to get out of my system. I finally have accepted the fact that what he wants is intermitent indulgence, and I guess that may be the best scenario for us given my inadequacies, but I don't want that. I want to be able to call him, within reason, at least some of the time, I want to know that if I were to call and say "I want you" that there will be a fire in him to ensure that my request is met within a day or two, I want to be able to get to know him, to chat with the real him, that's the one I like, I want to not be angry at the sight of his pleased reaction to a text or e-mail from another, I want him to think about my feelings when he engages in little tete a tete's with my boss, I simply want too much of him and its unfair and wrong......these things are not supposed to be this heavy, so I admit that I was wrong about this one, I was wrong to bring him into the turmoil that is me and I am sorry, and I wish one day that he could know that I was sorry for........this. Every relationship has one partner who is stronger, one partner to take the tough decisions, even if the decision ends up hurting the other party, immensely, and I wish to thank him for being that partner.

I will admit that it still hurts, but I get it now....I do..... and I will try with everything in me to do better now. Time will heal it all, all I have to do is not get caught in situations and discussions with him.......not now, not yet, not while he can still titillate me by just being in the room.

From the get go I think he was able to read me, that he was able to do that is somewhat stimulating for me. "I'm sweet" he says, once you get beyond the armour. Few men are able to stay in the game long enough to get beyond the armour, its sad that he has and now can use it against me.......not the most ideal thing for a work fling.....so now I have to think about how to ensure that he doesn't have too much opportunity to play with his new toy and in this quest maybe I can find a way to sleep the night before I have to go into a meeting with him, maybe I can find a way to forget the fool I was, maybe I could just forget that it all happened in the way it happened.