Observing Denial

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Moments in Time

I am waiting for this moment to pass, to dwindle away into obscurity so that I can continue with the rest of my day. I have no frilly language to describe this feeling now....I am barren of interesting words and ideas to explain to myself the consequences of this error thought.... all I know is that I want him....right now......nothing more and nothing less. I am infected with him at this moment, he is coasting through my veins and mind and all I can do is watch and wait for the vibe to pass like the seasons.

I am comforted with the knowledge that emotions pass with time and time passes inevitably.

Accepting Life's Little Pleasures

Its raining cats, dogs and maybe a few more domestic pets, and I am good but for a burning need to copulate and have one or six cold Red Stripe beers having had the power reconnected only last night since the passage of the hurricane.....I was grateful for the luxury of a cold drink of water in my house, one which I didn't have to travel far and wide to purchase.

The world is right with me and I plan to enjoy the rest of this gift.

Cheers

Staying the Course - Shakily

Today is not so good.

I avoided posting yesterday because I knew it would have done more harm than good. I am not dealing well...he is terrorizing me...that's the only way to describe it. Now he adds to my thoughts of him by calling to say good morning or have a good evening....and requesting that we make some time to talk....I have used most of the expletives in my handbook and still he persists...what is wrong with him?

I don't get it, he had it...he had me....but chose not to partake, so why keep up this facade now...why the great display of interest? He needs to stop...he needs to stop now.

I know he is just doing this to get me wrapped up again and will probably mete out a repeat performance of the past few months...I am aware of this fact and I am trying to be still with a hope that it will all pass.....soon. I must admit though my grip is slipping.

He shared yesterday that I was on his mind throughout the storm and sure enough when I came in to work on Tuesday his e-mail was there in testament.....why is he so good at this game...I remember doing shit like this to guys, and I remember the responses it evoked....the response that is now stopped at the back of my throat hanging on for dear life so that I don't fall back under the spell...Damn this is hard...is everything with this guy gonna be this hard...its unfair, absolutely unfair.

The Beauty of Youth

My 3 year old niece sat in my arms today and under candlelight she cried and cried and cried some more for her grandma….it broke my heart. I recited the usual comforting words and at a point was perplexed as to why she couldn’t understand that crying right now…for this reason….was senseless. A half hour later when her tears still had not subsided and having realized that all she really wants was her grandma I decided to let her cry…I told her that though grandma wasn’t around right now she could rest in my bosom and cry till the cows came home…..she did. I rubbed her back and wooed her to sleep with a calming repeated “huussssh”…she fell asleep with tear stained eyes and I wished she didn’t have to go through this again, but I knew the next visit would evoke the same reaction.

I started to think about the carefree nature of children and their ability to hurt like the world was coming to an end in one moment and the uncanny way that a moment or two later all would be made well and it would be as if nothing had troubled their little minds and sensibilities just a second before The resilience of children, I thought, how I envy them. This is the beauty of youth…..do you ever notice that only children skip? As adults it seems we are so burdened by life that the release of self required to loosely dangle our limbs in a skipping jaunt is too much for us…..how sad.

Its amazing how when we are young we are so anxious to be adults and when we are finally grown we realise that it’s a lot more work than we bargained for, so we spend our lives wishing we were young again. When one is young mistakes made don’t seem so great, life doesn’t wreak havoc with our emotions and we bounce back quicker from our various states. When we are young, adults rehearse the typical platitudes which create in our minds the knowledge that we have a lifetime ahead to forget, to heal, to recover…..and we revel in the fact that we always get a “do over”.

If only we could recognise that it’s not that we don’t get opportunities to right previous wrongs, it’s that we refuse to approach our lives as a process. A process in which time is a critical element for success, a process in which human nature takes a back seat and consciousness of and belief in the comfort we give to the young in this life is received absolutely. Instead we bury ourselves in thoughts of situations that could have gone better, what ifs, woulda, shoulda, couldas and a complete inability to let things go, let things be and relent to the superior power guiding our lives.

In effect therefore, we become blockades to the process of living not recognising that this life is all we have….there is no second chance to do things better, we don’t get a do over so we take the chances we need to take, we suffer great losses but in the end we are strengthened for the next challenge and so life goes. Yes, we could all stand at the crossroads waiting for someone to take the decision for us to take a particular path, but where’s the fun in that? we would be cheating…. The challenge is to be aware and understand and know that life is much better when you live it yourself.

Watching, Waiting, Wishing and Hoping

August 19, 2007 - 10:00 a.m.

I am not sure which is worse at this time…waiting for the impact of hurricane Dean or thoughts about picking up the pieces after. My tummy is in overdrive and I know that one way or another this thing has got to pass….quickly. My capacity to withstand its threat much more is diminishing.

Amidst reports from the weather channel that “it will slam into Jamaica” and the “damage it will wreak on the island” as they hope and pray that our mountains will slow it down sufficiently to have minimal impact on their own land, and the illtimed movies which appear on my local stations, I am at a loss for information…..the net is down so I can’t get updated through these means either…..helplessness was never a colour I wore well. Soimething needs to give.

My impatience carries over into all scenarios I admit reluctantly, but how can one sit twiddling ones thumps while waiting for a catastrophy to happen. It would seem at the very least that I should be out doing ….something to stop it.

I have prayed and prayed and I feel that it is now time to continue life as though it will not come…the impact will not be great…all this in a bid to prove my faith in the Lord that he will spare this beautiful land despite the black hearts of some of its inhabitants. I guess in all aspects of life I could be classified as a dreamer.

Anyway I continue to wait….I had a drink already and the bottle is still beckoning to me to finish the job.....while I would have hoped to pass the day with some clarity I think I may need a draw of something to take the edge off….I need to sleep maybe then when I awaken it will be all done and I would be refreshed and ready for the task of rebuilding.

Imagine - August 19, 2007

Imagine what would unfold if you were to give in now

Imagine the list of love’s wondrous moments you could experience with time on your side crippling your abilities to fly and instigating the reach for the sky and the pie therein…Imagine...

Imagine if you could just wish the woes away and pose for a day in comforts bliss and rest your head for a moment in his bed and uncover the satisfaction in his lips, his kiss, his hips…Imagine…

Imagine when you transcend the bitterness and there is an end to the foolishness when you stand player to player and decide to be the greater, imagine the tune you would sing from the pit of your lions and think about how much emotion would be shared if only you could believe in your lies and spare your heart the consequences…..Imagine….

Imagine if these imaginings were not fuelled and filtered by the sin within and the quest for his desire, for his soul, for him…Imagine….

Imagine the realization, the soberness of thought as you acknowledge the truth….when consciousness of the fact that he is, and you are and both of you are not, should not, could not, will not or ever be……together.

From whom much is expected, much is given

I have adopted this medium to convey my thanks to all for the support of my "epiphaniesk" moment. I wonder though whether I may have opened Pandora's box. I take people's faith in me very seriously so I am conflicted to stray from my newly re-established cock sure self in this matter.....this may be good though, it will keep me out of trouble.

I must admit to having a few images of him invade my mind last night but it was different somehow.....not sure how to describe it yet so I will just say that he danced on my mind's stage fleetingly having been involved in a teleconference with him at work yesterday. The meeting ended with all parties recognising that time was of the essence to allow full or at the very least a noble attempt at preparation of self and property for the impending impact of hurricane Dean. I went back to my desk to an e-mail wish for me to take care during this time.....it had the intended effect.........the game I think has never had a better player.

I was to have gone off to the country this weekend so that I could deal in totality with any remnant feelings but Alas the heavens are up to its usual tricks in this matter.....can't say I don't dream in colour right...... to think that God or..... would send a hurricane, no less, to stop my progress in this matter.

....Anyway I press on because I demand that I do, and after all the thought of disappointing my web friends in gut wrenching....I will not assume that they will be there to dry my tears and walk me through this phase again.

Going with the Flow

3 days....2 nights......5hrs sleep.....I am sleepless in paradise, exhausted from a rambling mind and a weeping heart and this was the day he chose to come to me.

I heard him outside my door while he asked my Secretary if I was in...my stomach lurched with fear of how I would react, of how and who I should be. I couldn't be too bitter but I couldn't be too sweet....so I decided to be a woman and roll with the punches as they presented themselves. I had actually started to feel better about the whole thing in these 3 days......but for a few moments of recollection that made me cringe and cringe...other than that I was good.

It was this me who greeted him as he came storming in like hurricane Dean. He moved to me like a guilt oppressed man with a consciousness of the power he may still wield and I dodged the bullet with little finesse but achieved my best performance yet. I held my hand out for a "how are you" shake and he used the opportunity to pull me into him and kissed my cheeks, my nose and forehead....all this amidst my muffled partial protest.

The familiarity of this type of tender game filled my thoughts and I backed off with a near violent thrust, and he bowed to my will and reluctantly released. I found that steel voice and told him to play elsewhere indicating that the opportunity had been lost and the curtain drawn, with bitterness conspicuously drenching my every word. In that place and drowning in that moment however I uncovered my real self.

He said he would call me later, and I must admit a part of me wished he would....but finally I was synchronised in mind and body and I looked into his eyes...... recognising that I really did not have to manufacture or feign venom....I softly...evenly... told him to not start what he and
I knew he had no intention to finish. I reminded him that I had articulated my decision...and urged that he not confuse this me with the effigy of then.

He was quiet for a while and his eyes registered denial as he extended his hand and we shook on it. I pulled him close then, relaxed in the moment for a bit, and whispered Fuck You...for the record, and the seriousness of the message was conveyed I know.

With a look of disbelief he said goodbye.

His chapter ends here, I know this, because he called as he said he would, and there was nothing....no compulsion to answer, no anxiety having not answered, no hope...nothingness was all I felt.

Signing Off

To all who have whispered words of encouragement and maybe prayer that I snap out of this ridiculous phase.......specifically to my Corner Lot Reggae rocking friends I say thank you.

I need to take some time to ......whatever, so I will be off for a while....a wise person once said that to continue to write will inevitably make the situation remain current in your mind and heart.....I am taking that advice...finally. It seems a time for finality.

Just to let you know though, that I experienced one of the loneliest nights ever...a lonely heart, a wounded heart has no recourse but to sit and wait for healing...I was quiet for the first time in a long time, I listened to that heart and I repented for putting it through so much.....and as the hours ticked by in the midst of the night I had no crutch, because I told him I needed some space.....he obliged, and how....so I am left alone, finally, to deal.....I see a trip to the country to recoup in my very near future....to recoup.....is that possible....and if so, when I get back, will the craziness start again?

I promised my heart that I will be wiser this time.....that I will not do the usual and seek revenge on man-kind with another game.....that the lesson from this moment has ended my moments of wandering....for now.

I remind myself always, that I am woman "unapologetically", I love, I hurt and I bounce back and live.

THE OUTCOME

The work day is finally at an end and I am now forced to deal with the issue of his response. First just to say that it was unacceptable would be an understatement. Clarity was provided for me through one sentence or really part thereof.....he questioned my attendance at a conference to be held in October...late October at that....the knitted strings which were so bravely holding my heart together finally broke with that.

Closure - definition according to the Oxford dictionary "an act or process of closing something" it could be no more clear....a response to a request for time ought not to yield a protracted designated date especially where time spent prior has been minimal. No more, is the synchronised pleading of my mind and heart...finally.....no more. I gambled, I believed in love and lust and I lost on both counts.....now I can only define Regret - "Be sorry for loss, repent, grieve at, be distressed about or sorry for" all capture how I feel at this moment. So much to regret, so much to wish away but the lesson is not lost. I have bowed out like a true gentleman and I wish I could scream at him at tell him to F'Off but it dawned on me that he had done that a long time ago.

Now the trial remains for me to be nonchalant at our next meeting...it will kill me inside but I know this needs to happen.....the end of a relationship, whether one sided or otherwise hurts even when its not your man. I still have not cried...I know this state will not continue though, and I wonder if my tears will be sufficient to wash away all the regrets and good and bad memories.

Its not fair.....but I have caused this on myself.....how could I have known that my feelings for him would have been so deep, how could I have guessed that my pursuit for revenge would have resulted in this disaster......I am usually more poetic at the end of these things, now I realise I could afford to be because it was me who had the handle........its not so cool when the shoe is on the other foot....Kinda makes me want to call and apologise to all the marks I've had.....Noooo, that would be too weird....how do you say sorry to someone for breaking their heart?

I wish I could be comforted by the usual platitudes....its for the better, or it will feel better one day....you will bounce back......how can one find comfort when the place in which comfort rests has been shattered.....he broke me.....I cannot cry here, they know me as a toughie here...I cannot, I will not cry here.

Regrets 3

I did some work...I shook off the monkey off my back...not before sending that e-mail though...eternal hope...women deserve a prize for being so Damn optimistic in matters of the heart.

Now I watch and wait..I have been sitting on my hands not to check my mail because I guess I may be afraid that he will not respond........and I can't deal with this pain too so I will check tomorrow when I am in a better frame of mind......why can't I just take the signs and stop this bullshit......how can I when I have asked the question and the gentleman tells me he is sending no such signals...what f---ing signals is he sending then...nothing positive....I shouldn't have sent that e-mail...I knew it was wrong from the beginning...why am I so stubborn? Why can't I just accept the reality and leave things as they are...unfinished.

There an old saying here..."patient man ride donkey"....apparently riding a donkey takes some innate skill so a demonstration of true patience is ones ability to straddle and indeed ride a donkey??? Lets just say that I'm so impatient right now that it may be more possible that the donkey would ride me.....Can I send a follow-up email to say disregard the first, or would this be admitting too much? Decisions, decisions.

Shadow Boxing

I wish this weather would cease...it is creating too many problems for me...it has plcaed me in a constant state of romance and romaticism which is unacceptable because I feel another foolish moment in the offing where I will undoubtedly make another move and he will as uis now customary....not respond.....I will be crushed and he would have etched yet another notch on his score sheet of how ridiculously stupid I am able to get.

In a bid to save me from me, I will send to this message to my blog rather than him:

1) Demonstration - definition according to the Oxford Dictionary (fifth edition)
"outward exhibition of feeling etc., logical proving, clear proof"

2) Interest (source same as above) - "Thing in which one is concerned"
I prefer the tenth edition definition :o) - "a quality exciting curiosity or holding attention"

I don't feel better ...but I know having done this will bode well for me in the long run.

Sleepless in the Tropics

I shared a quiet moment with the Lord in the wee hours of the morning today. My sandman visited only briefly last night.

I used the opportunity to watch him sleep and as I did I knew that there was no more perfect moment than this. He drew me in to him with every breath and I felt wooed by the intensity of the emotion. I wish I was not as harsh as I had been on Sunday because now I get it....sometimes we can get the space we need by remaining quiet for a while and listening to each others needs....sometimes we can find space in the wee hours and revel in the stillness of the night rather than to fuss or fight about being watched or held too tight. It seems that sometimes we must learn some lessons the hard way.

Though I was wrapped up in love thoughts as he lay beside me, I couldn't help tip toeing/trespassing into the uncharted territory of my obsession. I wondered if he was awake too, taking note of the woman beside him and the love they share......I wondered if I may have danced in his mind once or twice as the showers poured outside, playing a rhythm on the window blades reminiscent of my heart beat.

I caught myself and I wondered about the woman I am and was and could be....I remember shouting out...Why Me....but the rain drowned out the answer.....so I mused on into the daylight with shadows of him in my mind as I thought to myself how sublime it must be to have what one wants even briefly.....I thought about his mixed messages and lack of interest and I wished it wasn't me who had given in so easily.....I hope one day to wake up and find that this was all a bad dream and the scary monster therein really wasn't me......I thought that I would disregard his pleading for limits to be placed on my use of profanity, and shout from the bottom of my feet the words "FUCK OFF or FUCK YOU" so that I could wake up and he could see that I wasn't the type to be molded into the shape he was comfortable with, nor was I the one to hit and run......"Open your eyes" I repeated, "open your motherfucking eyes and see what I want you to see, be who I want you to be...open your eyes and just see me".....

I awoke from my day/dawn??? dream with that and I realised that I will never get him to get me, nor would I ever be the me I knew then from this point on.....I was saddened.....I will miss me.....I am now one of them...those who cannot accept a man for who he is, wants and represents.....I was one of them who needed to be freed from myself.......EMANCIPATED......indeed.

Downpour

It is still raining....I know I will enjoy a wonderful night wrapped in the arms of my boo....but I can't help but lament my inability to share with him in totality because of my preoccupation with this stranger......night will fall soon and I will think of many things...most of all the fact that I cannot share even a lewd interlude with the object of my desire.

Tsk, Tsk, Tsk.

Seems even the heavens is able to purge the land but me I still sit waiting and wondering when my relief will come.

Self Destruction

Its a bleak morning and I am feeling the ill effects of an unchained heart and memories so much that I can hardly stand to be in this space without the sight or thought of him. Like the clouds which dance by in brilliant grey so is my sense and sensibilities masked by your puzzling display of lack of interest....everyday I think I have 'bottomed out' and reached my limit, and as I fight a bitter battle within today to restrain my mind and fingers from making contact with him, to prevent the widening of the catastrophic Crater in the pit of my tummy and soul, I find strength and energy to do it all again.

I wish I could give in today to this feeling...I wish I could dwell for this 24 hrs on my thoughts of him in all his capacities but most definitely in the place that I would wish to have him most......resting in my afterglow...I wish I could convince myself that tomorrow there will be sunshine while I make hay and starve myself of a moment in thought of him.....I wish I could deal and purge my system...tomorrow. Could I, Could I really relax my meshed guard and just think of him without guilt, without a thought to the certain damage it will do????? am I mature enough to just do it and let it go.......Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps.

Confounded

Its morning and the sunshine that crept in through my bedroom window was unwelcome...I slept last night, mostly because I was unwell....but i was glad for the rest....the body never ceases to amaze me....when it has had enough it just shuts the hell down.....I guess is a safety mechanism, protecting us from ourselves.....I have been working too hard in all aspects of my life and I need time to rest is the message I am receiving from my body.

Anyway, the evening did not pan out the way I had hoped.....It was nomination day yesterday and this marked the official beginning of the political process/pursuit for the quasi highest office in the land....I will not go into the immediate threat this period usually poses....you can read about that in any other website/page....I have resigned myself to think instead that as a people we have moved away from marring the exercise of our franchise with violence.....its a wish, a hope maybe just a dream. Because of the day, the backra masters released us early to travel home in relative safety....as if the presence of daylight has ever stopped the flow of things in this time....anyway I was glad because, as I said I was unwell. Of course I couldn't leave at the time designated...part of the responsibility of management....things had to be put in place for the morrow, so I stayed back an hour.

He called to confirm whether the word was go from the parent shop, but he prefaced his statement by noting that he intends to respond to my e-mail of the day before....I was pissed. I hate it when he does that. As if I am incapable of processing outside of this thing....why does he feel the need to do that? I thought I would let it go after giving the information he requested and promptly hanging up thereafter, but that wouldn't be keeping it real. So I sent and e-mail saying that he should never feel constrained to refer to anything else between us when he calls during work hours.....work is work it has absolutely nothing to do with my private state. I also stated that there was no need to respond or refer to this e-mail at the next occasion of our meeting/speaking.

This is what happens when you cross that line.....men think us incapable of dealing outside of the emotions....but Why? When we are in a meeting I don't usually think "oh God, is he gonna say Hi...Is he thinking about how obsessed I am with him?" ....No I steal a look or two but other than that the issues to be discussed are what I obsess about...finding solutions to problems are what I obsess about in those moments, not the fact that I am sharing space with him.....its amazing how men tend to place themselves on these pedestals....I need to get over this s--t so that I can rip into him when he does stuff like that...its ridiculous.

Clarification

What do I really want from this man?

I know I want him to want me, I know I have crossed the line into obsession and I am not handling rejection well, I know I don't want love....have and had enough of that, I know that I am caught up in the game unfortunately on the losing side, I know that I am capable of finding someone else to fill in the gap, so why do I keep on trying with him?

I continue to look on in disbelief that I have not been able to get the prize...that I would be unable to entice a man to f--- me on my terms....its crazy and unfamiliar. I have never met a mark that I couldn't call on any day of the week at anytime of the day to come and ---k me.....I think I am just that good at it, or I have been able to find easy marks....any which way, my being attracted to him must mean that he possesses some of the same attributes that attracted me to my other marks. I just don't think one man should be able to muster such resilience....this is of course not to say that I don't believe that a man can simply not want a woman but....that doesn't include me...right?

Yes, I know the moment I stop believing the above bull the process of real healing will commence but I can't shake the vibe that there is something between us that he is afraid to pursue. I wish I could make him understand that this is simply my reaction to being rejected sexually and not an attempt or indication of my having fallen in love.....I think I have been careful to not overtly declare that emotion......I am hoping my pursuit is viewed more along the lines of my wanting to f--k him and nothing more....I don't want conversations in the middle of the night or special moments together......nope, just sex will be fine......

I feel I have to put some context to the above....fortunately or unfortunately I grew up with 4 brothers and I have always marvelled at their abilities in this department...they pursue and pursue the ladies until one day they give in and then that's it...the interest is gone......I am too well trained to have fallen prey to this foolishness especially since love from him is not what I want....frankly he annoys the shit out of me on the work score and on the real....and this was my reaction before any of this so now that he has done this to me......all I want to do is return the favour......Eureka!!.......I guess I may really just want revenge...entice him back so that I can bitch slap him in the face...and of course there is always the added pleasure of watching him gasp for air as you straddle his face, while you are thinking about having a woman's husband under you....that's just a cherry topping right there...

I digress.....unfortunately I have now uncovered that my motive for pursuit is not as deep as it may have seemed. Alas, I am only a woman scorned who wishes to exact some fury on the offending party, but having a devil of a time evoking the desired response....he seems a better player and this infuriates me.

This is my story and I am sticking to it.

Feel Good Moment

I wondered today about that feeling of euphoria which follows a good cum….in that instant the world is right…you are right…everything else is nothing…your arms and lions are out-stretched for just one thing, one purpose, one being. This is truly the moment of truth, it reeks of fluids we can’t help smelling…….it captures real surrender….in that instant you don’t care about the fact that he’s not your type or that extra 5-10 pounds on your tummy…in that moment the complexities that could ensue do not matter, in that moment you wish and hope for just one thing, that the job is finished….you have no cares about the morning after, how you will feel because he knows your darkest secrets, how you can get out of the next occasion you will have to see each other…how will you act…..how you can hide from the fact that in a few days it won’t matter that you had this moment…it may be screwed up, it shall be screwed up and we’ll be back at square one…..only fuelled by a deeper fire….that of having reaped success before.

Ramblings 3

I escaped to work this morning...between my all consuming thoughts of this man and the vice grip being placed on my every move by my real man, I think I am gonna go stark raving mad. I know that in both instances I am the cause..... but damn I wish for a moment to breathe.

I told spoogie as much and he did not take it well...we don't live together, but we spend a lot of time in the same space.....the past week we have been together every night since Tuesday.....I am PMSing as well and that's never a good place for me....so you can imagine my acidity when coupled with my unshakable need to lash out at everyone and everything in my midst....not a pretty sight....so I bore just about as much as I could of our "together time" but had to, today relent and say I needed some space.

A part of me thinks he is being absolutely unfair...doesn't he know that if someone wants to cheat then being watched 24hrs a day still couldn't stop them. Just think, we don't work at the same place, there alone the deed could be manufactured and executed in time for my being home by my usual time....so lets not kid ourselves about thinking that I am asking for time so that I can go do something bad. I just need space. Its not like I have a willing party anyway...but he doesn't know that.

On Friday I must admit to being the closest I have ever come to mourning the quasi hook up I had with this man....I am not proud of it but I know its a part of the process....I didn't get to cry on Friday and now I don't feel teary...Damn....You may wonder why I think crying would be beneficial. I can only speak from past experience where this is concerned......the two serious relationships in my life were both marked and changed by my tears. When one was constantly cheating I never cried even when his girls would call me to be damn bitchy.....I processed and processed until one day, out of the blue...tears streamed uncontrollably from my eyes and I knew then that infidelity would never hurt like that again......we changed course, I found someone to dry my tears and in the end was able to make both of them cry over me. I know it sounds a bit Narcissistic, but men need to realize that women submit at times, not because they can't play the game well, but because we recognise the fragility of the male ego we let some things slide.....I have always been amazed at the fact that the biggest player never thinks that his "wifey".......and they always have that one special lady, the one who puts up with the bullshit through thick and thin.....they never expect that she may cheat and if they find out that she is or has, it brings them to their knees in disbelief...... they are floored by the violation of trust. But that's another story.

I must say that my house is spotless today. I caught myself thinking very improper thoughts about this man....I chastised myself for this lapse and my punishment was to make the place hygienic enough to eat of the floors. It has also helped to take my mind off things for a while.

Oh how I wish I had no regrets.

Longing for Release

I wish I could cry...I am sad enough to cry...as I write this my eyes glisten with the purging fluid but it will not flow.

It dawned on me today...or should I say that it entered my mind and I am finally acknowledging it.....that maybe just maybe this wasn't an act on his part....maybe he's just trying to spare my feelings...maybe the sex was bad after all....maybe he really just doesn't want me. It was raining cats and dogs today and I wanted to share a little quip with him, so I sought his permission through SMS, to indulge me........he hasn't answered yet.....so I sent back to say that I guess indulging me was never his strong point anyway.

I am beaten, enough is enough I am feeling that feeling ...you know when you actually feel you heart sever/break in two.....I have always hated this part. The wicked thing is that I wont be alone tonight. I wish I could be though, so that I could process and cry, and process and cry and cry some more, knowing that the 'morrow will bring with it a new beginning.

Action Plan

There is an old saying, "be careful what you wish for, you may just get it"...how true.

I have determined that I am being taught a few lessons....a lesson in patience....a lesson in love....a lesson in like....and a lesson about self growth.

I am spent.... in mind, heart and soul....I need to flush this thing from my system.....I am impatient for the desired outcome and time has not been the friend it usually is to me. I also think that my forceful nature is acting against me in this matter as well.....I guess some men just prefer women who are subdued....its funny because the same men always have girlfriends who are spitfires.....I think the problem may be...and I know because I have had an experience with his wife in her Court and it was not pretty....that he needs a softy to counter the experience he is getting at home.

I am overcome...I wish I had left things as they were that faithful day in December....I wish I had left things as they were.

I need a replacement diversion....this is the only way to get over him.....I can only hope the sex is bad, because I would hate to have to go through this again. My only concern is that to proceed in this manner would mean my adding one more to the score sheet....(sigh).

The Root of the Problem

Yesterday as I celebrated the Emancipation of my forefathers from their shackled existence I reflected on self and made peace within. The ease with which of late I have been yielding to exhibiting that fiery emotion inside has been a concern for me (no not wanting sex:) My anger had always flowed too closely to the surface and in my recent test I have failed miserably at keeping thing under wraps, so I did some introspection.

I typed yesterday as I discovered the root of this evil within and I felt emancipated having zeroed in on the effective cause. It was him....as if I or anyone would be surprised at that revelation.

The ease with which my reasonings and ramblings flowed was amazing even to me, and the therapy of the moment was a useful condition. I wrote and wrote and when I finished in a bid to make everything uniformed and pretty, I tried to select all and everything disappeared never to be found again. A few hours after trying all I could try with my limited knowledge of the technology, I realised that I should have just hit paste....Alas you win some and you lose some.

I am sorry I wasn't able to share it all but one day I will try again...the good thing about these experiences is that you always remember when.