Self Destruction

Its a bleak morning and I am feeling the ill effects of an unchained heart and memories so much that I can hardly stand to be in this space without the sight or thought of him. Like the clouds which dance by in brilliant grey so is my sense and sensibilities masked by your puzzling display of lack of interest....everyday I think I have 'bottomed out' and reached my limit, and as I fight a bitter battle within today to restrain my mind and fingers from making contact with him, to prevent the widening of the catastrophic Crater in the pit of my tummy and soul, I find strength and energy to do it all again.

I wish I could give in today to this feeling...I wish I could dwell for this 24 hrs on my thoughts of him in all his capacities but most definitely in the place that I would wish to have him most......resting in my afterglow...I wish I could convince myself that tomorrow there will be sunshine while I make hay and starve myself of a moment in thought of him.....I wish I could deal and purge my system...tomorrow. Could I, Could I really relax my meshed guard and just think of him without guilt, without a thought to the certain damage it will do????? am I mature enough to just do it and let it go.......Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps.