The work day is finally at an end and I am now forced to deal with the issue of his response. First just to say that it was unacceptable would be an understatement. Clarity was provided for me through one sentence or really part thereof.....he questioned my attendance at a conference to be held in October...late October at that....the knitted strings which were so bravely holding my heart together finally broke with that.
Closure - definition according to the Oxford dictionary "an act or process of closing something" it could be no more clear....a response to a request for time ought not to yield a protracted designated date especially where time spent prior has been minimal. No more, is the synchronised pleading of my mind and heart...finally.....no more. I gambled, I believed in love and lust and I lost on both counts.....now I can only define Regret - "Be sorry for loss, repent, grieve at, be distressed about or sorry for" all capture how I feel at this moment. So much to regret, so much to wish away but the lesson is not lost. I have bowed out like a true gentleman and I wish I could scream at him at tell him to F'Off but it dawned on me that he had done that a long time ago.
Now the trial remains for me to be nonchalant at our next meeting...it will kill me inside but I know this needs to happen.....the end of a relationship, whether one sided or otherwise hurts even when its not your man. I still have not cried...I know this state will not continue though, and I wonder if my tears will be sufficient to wash away all the regrets and good and bad memories.
Its not fair.....but I have caused this on myself.....how could I have known that my feelings for him would have been so deep, how could I have guessed that my pursuit for revenge would have resulted in this disaster......I am usually more poetic at the end of these things, now I realise I could afford to be because it was me who had the handle........its not so cool when the shoe is on the other foot....Kinda makes me want to call and apologise to all the marks I've had.....Noooo, that would be too weird....how do you say sorry to someone for breaking their heart?
I wish I could be comforted by the usual platitudes....its for the better, or it will feel better one day....you will bounce back......how can one find comfort when the place in which comfort rests has been shattered.....he broke me.....I cannot cry here, they know me as a toughie here...I cannot, I will not cry here.
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4 comments:
Hmmm So you believe that this is it? That at this point your cruel heart will let go? Well for your relief and release, I pray it is so. I was tempted to say "for your happiness" but I know the relief needed for you to move on is not necessarily equal to your happiness. Crying...do what works for you. Sometimes it's crying, at other times it's venting and still at other times it may be slapping yourself figuratively across the cheek and demanding that you act like the person in whose body you have resided for over 30 years. Good Luck!
I like you ...you are funny as heck....tried slapping myself..silly in fact, didn't work. I can't lash out at him, so that's out....the only thing left is to cry. Thanks for the good words,I think I may be a little too cynical right now for hope but it will get better...right?
As we say here "mi spirit tek yuh" too. It will get better, damn I have no clue. They always says time heals all wounds and yadda yadda yah but I am one impatient chicky and I like results now...if you are the calm and patient type...it will get better soon, I think. Like you I too have been hardened and cynicism is my new sport, (it used to be sarcasm). Since you have decided that crying is your release... put on either Justin Timberlake's "Cry me a river" or Kelis' "I hate You so Much right now", speaking from experience the Kelis is bound to get you rejuvenated and out for the kill. Lots of Luck!
First of all, tears are a good release but I can attest to TIME; it will change the bad memories to “wow was that really me?” without regrets, maybe a cringe or two and it will bring a smile to the good memories and “WOW was that really me?” The writings will be good to look back on, I can attest to that as well. I have experienced “shattered” and I allowed it to stay too long for when I finally released it I found an amazing journey waiting just for me. You will too ~ we’re all better individuals for our life experiences…
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