Sleepless in the Tropics

I shared a quiet moment with the Lord in the wee hours of the morning today. My sandman visited only briefly last night.

I used the opportunity to watch him sleep and as I did I knew that there was no more perfect moment than this. He drew me in to him with every breath and I felt wooed by the intensity of the emotion. I wish I was not as harsh as I had been on Sunday because now I get it....sometimes we can get the space we need by remaining quiet for a while and listening to each others needs....sometimes we can find space in the wee hours and revel in the stillness of the night rather than to fuss or fight about being watched or held too tight. It seems that sometimes we must learn some lessons the hard way.

Though I was wrapped up in love thoughts as he lay beside me, I couldn't help tip toeing/trespassing into the uncharted territory of my obsession. I wondered if he was awake too, taking note of the woman beside him and the love they share......I wondered if I may have danced in his mind once or twice as the showers poured outside, playing a rhythm on the window blades reminiscent of my heart beat.

I caught myself and I wondered about the woman I am and was and could be....I remember shouting out...Why Me....but the rain drowned out the answer.....so I mused on into the daylight with shadows of him in my mind as I thought to myself how sublime it must be to have what one wants even briefly.....I thought about his mixed messages and lack of interest and I wished it wasn't me who had given in so easily.....I hope one day to wake up and find that this was all a bad dream and the scary monster therein really wasn't me......I thought that I would disregard his pleading for limits to be placed on my use of profanity, and shout from the bottom of my feet the words "FUCK OFF or FUCK YOU" so that I could wake up and he could see that I wasn't the type to be molded into the shape he was comfortable with, nor was I the one to hit and run......"Open your eyes" I repeated, "open your motherfucking eyes and see what I want you to see, be who I want you to be...open your eyes and just see me".....

I awoke from my day/dawn??? dream with that and I realised that I will never get him to get me, nor would I ever be the me I knew then from this point on.....I was saddened.....I will miss me.....I am now one of them...those who cannot accept a man for who he is, wants and represents.....I was one of them who needed to be freed from myself.......EMANCIPATED......indeed.