Ramblings 3

I escaped to work this morning...between my all consuming thoughts of this man and the vice grip being placed on my every move by my real man, I think I am gonna go stark raving mad. I know that in both instances I am the cause..... but damn I wish for a moment to breathe.

I told spoogie as much and he did not take it well...we don't live together, but we spend a lot of time in the same space.....the past week we have been together every night since Tuesday.....I am PMSing as well and that's never a good place for me....so you can imagine my acidity when coupled with my unshakable need to lash out at everyone and everything in my midst....not a pretty sight....so I bore just about as much as I could of our "together time" but had to, today relent and say I needed some space.

A part of me thinks he is being absolutely unfair...doesn't he know that if someone wants to cheat then being watched 24hrs a day still couldn't stop them. Just think, we don't work at the same place, there alone the deed could be manufactured and executed in time for my being home by my usual time....so lets not kid ourselves about thinking that I am asking for time so that I can go do something bad. I just need space. Its not like I have a willing party anyway...but he doesn't know that.

On Friday I must admit to being the closest I have ever come to mourning the quasi hook up I had with this man....I am not proud of it but I know its a part of the process....I didn't get to cry on Friday and now I don't feel teary...Damn....You may wonder why I think crying would be beneficial. I can only speak from past experience where this is concerned......the two serious relationships in my life were both marked and changed by my tears. When one was constantly cheating I never cried even when his girls would call me to be damn bitchy.....I processed and processed until one day, out of the blue...tears streamed uncontrollably from my eyes and I knew then that infidelity would never hurt like that again......we changed course, I found someone to dry my tears and in the end was able to make both of them cry over me. I know it sounds a bit Narcissistic, but men need to realize that women submit at times, not because they can't play the game well, but because we recognise the fragility of the male ego we let some things slide.....I have always been amazed at the fact that the biggest player never thinks that his "wifey".......and they always have that one special lady, the one who puts up with the bullshit through thick and thin.....they never expect that she may cheat and if they find out that she is or has, it brings them to their knees in disbelief...... they are floored by the violation of trust. But that's another story.

I must say that my house is spotless today. I caught myself thinking very improper thoughts about this man....I chastised myself for this lapse and my punishment was to make the place hygienic enough to eat of the floors. It has also helped to take my mind off things for a while.

Oh how I wish I had no regrets.