Friday, June 29, 2007
Raging Against Oneself
I find that I am mostly angry these days, but today I am depressed and can only hope that I am left alone to muddle through this emotion without interference....because to interfere with me at this time will result in angry utterances from which I may be incapable of recovering....to be left alone to lick my wounds is what is required and I apologise beforehand for the lashing out that will surely come as the day progresses. PMS? Maybe
Tribute to Mother
My tatoo is a depiction of my love for the woman who mothered me. My tatoo captures the essence of my coloured eyes and expressions which she fostered in me. My tatoo is for her....she stood larger than life and I am forlorn at the consciousness of my missed opportunities for experiencing my mothers love more. Burgled by ovarian cancer, she was ripped from reality and in my heart I cry too soon, too soon, she left me too soon......but I know that I am wrong, cause we a given such precious few moments as life, I got 25 years with her and it was bliss.
"I LUV U MUMS.........It doesn't matter who everyone else knew you as......I saw you as the giver and maintainer of life....the woman who never got to see her creations blossom and become the men and women she moulded and would still love unconditionally.......Rest in Peace mother, knowing that you were my muse to strive for a better life and that you were loved as much as you loved".
House for Sale
Today I digress from my usual swooning to a matter of grave concern for today I felt poorer than I have ever felt before....Its funny how the reality of poverty is determined by the person experiencing it; I was not hungry, all my bills were paid....this month......and I should be able to make it relatively comfortably to the next payday. All this notwithstanding, my mind was not settled because I am a "Renter".
The life of a Renter is punctuated by a myriad of issues not least of which is the inability to have even a courteous relationship with the persons on the larger side of the house or the abject poverty that is felt when the property has been placed on the market for sale....and you cannot afford to buy it.
One is left is a spiral of calls from the Real Estate Agent and numerous visitations the purpose of which is to view the house. Yes, This "experience" would be less painful if the process of showing did not require your presence....but alas, for reasons of safety this is an imperative. So the unfortunate renter is faced with coping with the various individuals and couples, some half your age, some you know, some you can tell have a supplemental income born out of the underground pharmaceutical trade....but still you are forced to twiddle your thumps until the last looker leaves......woe is me....Tomorrow there will be three more.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Realizations 2
I write today from a position of a battered and bruised realization that life and indeed all our actions are surreptitiously linked together in an diabolical plan to ambush sense and logic and reorder past character development into unchained minstrels which obviate our ability to live our dreams of love and lust and ultimately to deduce rejection.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
A Lesson in Patience
Like a cool summer breeze you came to me yesterday and excited my day. I watched as you mauled a juicy plum between you lips and tongue and got jealous, wishing I was the one in its place. Your game continues to annoy, tantalize and engross, and you know it.....the confidence of a man is always so intriguing and stimulating for me...and this is how it should be.
We chatted briefly about work and such and I wanted to reach across the desk and clean that stream of juice from your lips with my tongue.....but I was patient. My eyes trailed over your long legs as you rose to your feet, when time had crept up on our connectivity, and rested at the source of my desire...just fleetingly enough to make you aware...but still I was patient enough not to reach out and touch. You came over to me and brushed your lips against my cheek then the corner of my lips... and yet I was patient still.
With a final peck on the lips you relinquished my gaze and disappeared through the door ending this session with me wanting more but remaining....Patient.
The battle continues.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
A lost Art
Are there no male puppets out there anymore. I long for the days where a woman could have a man wrapped around her little finger. He would do as she says, lay the world at her feet just for a moment of her time......have this breed of men become extinct, undone by the prevalence of gold diggers and generally unreasonable characterizations of women? Has the independence of women chased away the innate manifestation in a man to take care of a woman?
Please let me know if these men still exist, and more importantly, where I can find one.
Please let me know if these men still exist, and more importantly, where I can find one.
The Escape
May 6, 2007
The Escape
I escaped to work this morning hoping the urge to make contact with you would dissipate into nothingness, because I would be busy. Why is this so hard??? I don’t think I like you that much so why can’t I think straight, fall asleep, relinquish the memories? How you feel about me is obvious, you haven’t called, not even to do a post mortem of the session. So why am I so taken withy playing your game…..I dabbled in a work affair and I lost and am now forced to hold my head up high and adopt a mantra of ‘it wasn’t me’. Why did I do this? Why am I so given to giving in to my baser instincts????
I pray that the Lord will let this pass quickly and with less painful emotion. The thought that he knows the look, feel and smell of my …..and can assess same as good or bad while he looks at me across the negotiation table is a source of great distress for me. Avoiding all actions which can lead to my embarrassment will be my stance and I commit this day to:
i) Not call him
ii) Not e-mail him
iii) Not speak to him at meetings
iv) Not make eye contact, not steal a look or two
v) Be cold and clinical in the event that I cannot avoid a conversation about work
vi) Get some sleep without him being the last thought as I drift off to sleep and the first thought when I awake
vi) Focus on my man and take advantage of the benefits of using him to get over this man
viii) Believe that IT WASN’T ME
The Escape
I escaped to work this morning hoping the urge to make contact with you would dissipate into nothingness, because I would be busy. Why is this so hard??? I don’t think I like you that much so why can’t I think straight, fall asleep, relinquish the memories? How you feel about me is obvious, you haven’t called, not even to do a post mortem of the session. So why am I so taken withy playing your game…..I dabbled in a work affair and I lost and am now forced to hold my head up high and adopt a mantra of ‘it wasn’t me’. Why did I do this? Why am I so given to giving in to my baser instincts????
I pray that the Lord will let this pass quickly and with less painful emotion. The thought that he knows the look, feel and smell of my …..and can assess same as good or bad while he looks at me across the negotiation table is a source of great distress for me. Avoiding all actions which can lead to my embarrassment will be my stance and I commit this day to:
i) Not call him
ii) Not e-mail him
iii) Not speak to him at meetings
iv) Not make eye contact, not steal a look or two
v) Be cold and clinical in the event that I cannot avoid a conversation about work
vi) Get some sleep without him being the last thought as I drift off to sleep and the first thought when I awake
vi) Focus on my man and take advantage of the benefits of using him to get over this man
viii) Believe that IT WASN’T ME
The Genesis
May 5, 2007
I know I should be reading these not so subtle hints you give me which etch in stone the ease with which I am dismissible and therefore underscore the fact that your feelings for me are fleeting…..and that’s the way it should be…..but you are in my system. I want you more now than I ever did before, but I am mindful of the fragile ground I am on and the possible negative impact of my rushing into things.
I wish I could tell you that I don’t feel much, and that I am afraid of the feelings emerging. I remember that initially all I wanted was a little revenge on “wifey” and to sample a lawyer…but now I want more. I convinced myself that all I wanted to do was conquer you, maybe have you request my loving once or twice…I thought it would be interesting….but now I can’t get you out of my system and I lament the reality of not being able to get what I want. Why can’t I get what I want??? This question haunts my very existence each day.
Patience…I soooo wish I were patient enough not to make a fool of myself, to be able to compartmentalize…then I could pretend it wasn’t me. It wasn’t me who had him so far down my throat that I gagged….It wasn’t me who boldly hiked up my dress and stole a taste as he watched…It wasn’t this girl who really had a crush on him for years. No way, no how, It wasn’t me who pulled him deeper and deeper into me as I offered up a treat for his most sensitive part. It wasn’t me who advertised my ass for the spanking it deserved…no sir, it wasn’t me.
Now I can’t hide from the fact of the past and I know that it is me now, who stands at a crossroads pondering the future and wishing I had not been so exuberant.
I wish I could say “look at me”…forget the promise of performance, forget the spouses, forget the professional relationship and the possible bad outcomes. Think instead of the fact that I came to you, and that this was not my usual thing. I came unashamed of the implications, unmoved by the absence of a proper period for wooing…I came that night without the trappings of undergarments…..fully expecting what I got. I know I was setting a bad precedence but so eager was I that you used it against me and got a freebie.
Sometimes I think about the genesis and I get angry, mostly at myself, but also at your effrontery for thinking and knowing that I would not disagree to being manhandled on the office floor, like a cheap trick…and I want to say F—K Y--, but I cannot forget that I promised I wouldn’t be like other women…that I agreed that using me for pleasure was desirable. That I told you, you could spread my most intimate parts and pucker up and it would be nothing the morning after. That I could be the woman who cocked it up in his office and wouldn’t get all weird when she had some time to think about it.
I wish I could tell you that I would love to follow in your footsteps and focus on the real relationship I have. The man who doesn’t have to search to hit the spot….the man I curl up with in that nook….the one who holds my heart in the palm of his hands…the man I trust to wrap a belt around my neck while he whips me into submission, the man who isn’t “wierded” out by that….the man who gets me………But I can’t…I want you….for now.
I know I should be reading these not so subtle hints you give me which etch in stone the ease with which I am dismissible and therefore underscore the fact that your feelings for me are fleeting…..and that’s the way it should be…..but you are in my system. I want you more now than I ever did before, but I am mindful of the fragile ground I am on and the possible negative impact of my rushing into things.
I wish I could tell you that I don’t feel much, and that I am afraid of the feelings emerging. I remember that initially all I wanted was a little revenge on “wifey” and to sample a lawyer…but now I want more. I convinced myself that all I wanted to do was conquer you, maybe have you request my loving once or twice…I thought it would be interesting….but now I can’t get you out of my system and I lament the reality of not being able to get what I want. Why can’t I get what I want??? This question haunts my very existence each day.
Patience…I soooo wish I were patient enough not to make a fool of myself, to be able to compartmentalize…then I could pretend it wasn’t me. It wasn’t me who had him so far down my throat that I gagged….It wasn’t me who boldly hiked up my dress and stole a taste as he watched…It wasn’t this girl who really had a crush on him for years. No way, no how, It wasn’t me who pulled him deeper and deeper into me as I offered up a treat for his most sensitive part. It wasn’t me who advertised my ass for the spanking it deserved…no sir, it wasn’t me.
Now I can’t hide from the fact of the past and I know that it is me now, who stands at a crossroads pondering the future and wishing I had not been so exuberant.
I wish I could say “look at me”…forget the promise of performance, forget the spouses, forget the professional relationship and the possible bad outcomes. Think instead of the fact that I came to you, and that this was not my usual thing. I came unashamed of the implications, unmoved by the absence of a proper period for wooing…I came that night without the trappings of undergarments…..fully expecting what I got. I know I was setting a bad precedence but so eager was I that you used it against me and got a freebie.
Sometimes I think about the genesis and I get angry, mostly at myself, but also at your effrontery for thinking and knowing that I would not disagree to being manhandled on the office floor, like a cheap trick…and I want to say F—K Y--, but I cannot forget that I promised I wouldn’t be like other women…that I agreed that using me for pleasure was desirable. That I told you, you could spread my most intimate parts and pucker up and it would be nothing the morning after. That I could be the woman who cocked it up in his office and wouldn’t get all weird when she had some time to think about it.
I wish I could tell you that I would love to follow in your footsteps and focus on the real relationship I have. The man who doesn’t have to search to hit the spot….the man I curl up with in that nook….the one who holds my heart in the palm of his hands…the man I trust to wrap a belt around my neck while he whips me into submission, the man who isn’t “wierded” out by that….the man who gets me………But I can’t…I want you….for now.
I Failed
May 7, 2007
I failed. I gave In. Buckled under the pressure and now have relinquished the handle in this situation to the hunted. Why do I possess such little resolve….why do I keep doing these things? Sometimes I think I like the punishment? I am too obsessive…when I like something. I should get a hobby outside of sex, maybe that would keep my mind free. I was so close to passing the day without contact…but it’s a process, right? Tomorrow I will do better.
STUPID, STUPID, STUPID…Move On.
I failed. I gave In. Buckled under the pressure and now have relinquished the handle in this situation to the hunted. Why do I possess such little resolve….why do I keep doing these things? Sometimes I think I like the punishment? I am too obsessive…when I like something. I should get a hobby outside of sex, maybe that would keep my mind free. I was so close to passing the day without contact…but it’s a process, right? Tomorrow I will do better.
STUPID, STUPID, STUPID…Move On.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Ramblings 2
May 14, 2007
“Oops I did it again, I got lost in the game”.......
So I had a game plan coming into work this morning…..but like several of its siblings it amounted to nought. I saw him and he was aloof…a feeling of anger overcame me when I thought about it…..taken aback by his coldness. I always promised myself that I couldn’t be intimate with an actor, MC, lawyer, anyone who can put on mask everyday of his life has to be dangerous in matters of the heart…..how can you trust them.
How do you know that when he says he wants you and needs you, that he isn’t in character. They present yet another dimension which makes the process of coming together even more difficult. They overrepresent that skilful side of every man, which continues to mystify the more practical and fairer sex. Bully for the woman who can swim in these waters and not end up clutching at straws before realizing she is in too deep.
At times it helps to step back and view life as it was meant to be, uncomplicated by expectation and failure to achieve certain ‘goods’, for what it is, just that , life. The simple fact of waking up in the morning and being able to be, should be enough. But humans are not so simplistic in their understanding and approach.
The innate need to challenge, conquer and indeed tempt fate will always win out in the end.
“Oops I did it again, I got lost in the game”.......
So I had a game plan coming into work this morning…..but like several of its siblings it amounted to nought. I saw him and he was aloof…a feeling of anger overcame me when I thought about it…..taken aback by his coldness. I always promised myself that I couldn’t be intimate with an actor, MC, lawyer, anyone who can put on mask everyday of his life has to be dangerous in matters of the heart…..how can you trust them.
How do you know that when he says he wants you and needs you, that he isn’t in character. They present yet another dimension which makes the process of coming together even more difficult. They overrepresent that skilful side of every man, which continues to mystify the more practical and fairer sex. Bully for the woman who can swim in these waters and not end up clutching at straws before realizing she is in too deep.
At times it helps to step back and view life as it was meant to be, uncomplicated by expectation and failure to achieve certain ‘goods’, for what it is, just that , life. The simple fact of waking up in the morning and being able to be, should be enough. But humans are not so simplistic in their understanding and approach.
The innate need to challenge, conquer and indeed tempt fate will always win out in the end.
Confession is Good for the Soul
May 11, 2007
One day I will thank him for doing what he did, for breaking my heart. One day I’ll let him know that he had touched me a little more than I expected or intended and probably was intuitive to nip the negative reaction in the bud before it got too crazy.
One day I will be loose in the lips enough to let him know that I had cared……a little too much maybe, despite our agreement that we would not….One day I will let him know that he had me from the first hello.
For now though, I will mask my pain in silence and pray to God that I won’t have to see him too often and for too long to stir up the memories. For now I will pick up the pieces and pretend it wasn’t me. For now, I will pray for the day when I CAN DEAL OUTSIDE OF THESE EMOTIONS.
One day I will thank him for doing what he did, for breaking my heart. One day I’ll let him know that he had touched me a little more than I expected or intended and probably was intuitive to nip the negative reaction in the bud before it got too crazy.
One day I will be loose in the lips enough to let him know that I had cared……a little too much maybe, despite our agreement that we would not….One day I will let him know that he had me from the first hello.
For now though, I will mask my pain in silence and pray to God that I won’t have to see him too often and for too long to stir up the memories. For now I will pick up the pieces and pretend it wasn’t me. For now, I will pray for the day when I CAN DEAL OUTSIDE OF THESE EMOTIONS.
Questions - Rehashing of old scars
May 15, 2007
Once again I am in a position where I am uncertain of how to jump. I said my piece, which went down well I think. So why am I having second thoughts? Why am I still thinking about him? Why does the prospect of him not wanting to throw in the towel stimulate me so? Why can I still picture making love to him….and seeing him bite his lips in an effort not to moan under my fingertips, nipples and tongue?
This should be easy, he is unavailable and I am unavailable, to wade too far in these waters with these constraints can only result in heartache for all parties. We did well so far, 6 years, why change the relationship now? We got the opportunity to sample each other, why not just be satisfied with that? Yes the sample had promise, but again one is always reminded that our actions have consequences.
I hope I can do this…I need to do this….I have prayed for strength to do this and I know the Lord’s intervention will be valuable and I have faith that he will help me over this hurdle.
Once again I am in a position where I am uncertain of how to jump. I said my piece, which went down well I think. So why am I having second thoughts? Why am I still thinking about him? Why does the prospect of him not wanting to throw in the towel stimulate me so? Why can I still picture making love to him….and seeing him bite his lips in an effort not to moan under my fingertips, nipples and tongue?
This should be easy, he is unavailable and I am unavailable, to wade too far in these waters with these constraints can only result in heartache for all parties. We did well so far, 6 years, why change the relationship now? We got the opportunity to sample each other, why not just be satisfied with that? Yes the sample had promise, but again one is always reminded that our actions have consequences.
I hope I can do this…I need to do this….I have prayed for strength to do this and I know the Lord’s intervention will be valuable and I have faith that he will help me over this hurdle.
The gentleman has also given his word to play his part to assist me in not breaking this resolution.........yet another indication of the ease with which his interest in me may be dispatched. All my ducks are in a row and all I need now is to exhibit a little more control and this matter should pass in short order.
Yes! This sounds like a plan….but I have had plans before.
Yes! This sounds like a plan….but I have had plans before.
Friday, June 22, 2007
RESOLVE
May 3, 2007
Tomorrow, when the sky burns with the heat of the morning, when birds serenade my awakeness, I will have a better day. A day that is filled with the promise of life’s uncertainties…..A day which transcends emotional turmoil, and ushers in decisiveness.
Tomorrow, when the sky burns with the heat of the morning, when birds serenade my awakeness, I will have a better day. A day that is filled with the promise of life’s uncertainties…..A day which transcends emotional turmoil, and ushers in decisiveness.
I will stand firm and greet the present given me by God and say “I will rise above the base memories and the monotonous pleadings of a heart denied”. I will be a woman of passion, soul, love, hope, faith, grace and possibility. Tomorrow I will whisper to the sunrise that I will be free, free to be and free from these uncensored trappings. Free and fair that will be me, with the freedom to unveil the true me.
Tomorrow will be my opportunity to right previous wrongs and sing songs of joy for having done so.
Confusion
May 3, 2007
Its been 3 days…..3 days since I have heard from him….not a word, a look , nothing. Damn this man for affecting me so. How did this happen?
I lost track of the rules of the game ….I wasn’t supposed to have any emotional contact. But would it have been a useful endeavour without the possibility of someone getting hurt? I remind myself that this is not a situation where I can feed my feelings…I hate these feelings. It was supposed to be a simple fun thing that would wither as quickly as it was consummated.
Now I find myself pondering the challenge ahead to live up and rebuild the steel fence around my heart, pressing along like a really good saint.
The lessons of life never end.
Its been 3 days…..3 days since I have heard from him….not a word, a look , nothing. Damn this man for affecting me so. How did this happen?
I lost track of the rules of the game ….I wasn’t supposed to have any emotional contact. But would it have been a useful endeavour without the possibility of someone getting hurt? I remind myself that this is not a situation where I can feed my feelings…I hate these feelings. It was supposed to be a simple fun thing that would wither as quickly as it was consummated.
Now I find myself pondering the challenge ahead to live up and rebuild the steel fence around my heart, pressing along like a really good saint.
The lessons of life never end.
Realization 101
May 24, 2007
Somewhere along the line I lost focus of what was really important. I allowed my lower region to determine my fate and this was an error of consciousness. Now I stand at a crossroads, the uniqueness of which is a blazing arrow directing my path to destruction.
I surrendered my pride, this I cannot deny, but I have dusted this infatuation from my mind and am prepared to put the matter behind me. The absence of respect was all that was needed to wake me from my slumber. I was foolish, I was weak, and I am no longer. It is unfortunate that things had to come to this, but I am grateful for the life lesson.
That aside, I am renewed, I got the sample I wanted and I got the revenge I sought against his partner, so I am indeed well. The fact that I will see him from time to time is a detail that will be addressed upon approaching that bridge. I am woman, I am strong, I am proud, the distraction has ended, I mourned its loss and I know I will survive. I commit to not running away, or skulking into the night on the premise that I walked into this thing with my eyes wide open and will deal with the consequences that arise with eyes wide open.
Somewhere along the line I lost focus of what was really important. I allowed my lower region to determine my fate and this was an error of consciousness. Now I stand at a crossroads, the uniqueness of which is a blazing arrow directing my path to destruction.
I surrendered my pride, this I cannot deny, but I have dusted this infatuation from my mind and am prepared to put the matter behind me. The absence of respect was all that was needed to wake me from my slumber. I was foolish, I was weak, and I am no longer. It is unfortunate that things had to come to this, but I am grateful for the life lesson.
That aside, I am renewed, I got the sample I wanted and I got the revenge I sought against his partner, so I am indeed well. The fact that I will see him from time to time is a detail that will be addressed upon approaching that bridge. I am woman, I am strong, I am proud, the distraction has ended, I mourned its loss and I know I will survive. I commit to not running away, or skulking into the night on the premise that I walked into this thing with my eyes wide open and will deal with the consequences that arise with eyes wide open.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Reasonings
Do you ever get the feeling that time and space are not on your side and in fact the only obstacle between the two is you? I have...and it is the single most unnerving feeling ever.
I stood for nothing, I felt and fell for nothing like magnet to steel. Now he watches me like a hawk and I can barley breathe but I know I am the cause. Hope springs with every heartbeat though that one day we will revert to some semblance of unconstrained trust...my being wishes it, quivers for it and knows that it can come to pass.
I cheated and am paying the price.....but I know he still loves me.....its evident in his eyes , his touch, the way his eyelids flutter close when I whisper in his ear, the tremble of his body in the afterglow we share...time, I will give him time....to process and time to feel...... with the belief that my dream will come true and in the end he will be mine still.
I stood for nothing, I felt and fell for nothing like magnet to steel. Now he watches me like a hawk and I can barley breathe but I know I am the cause. Hope springs with every heartbeat though that one day we will revert to some semblance of unconstrained trust...my being wishes it, quivers for it and knows that it can come to pass.
I cheated and am paying the price.....but I know he still loves me.....its evident in his eyes , his touch, the way his eyelids flutter close when I whisper in his ear, the tremble of his body in the afterglow we share...time, I will give him time....to process and time to feel...... with the belief that my dream will come true and in the end he will be mine still.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Secret Single Liaison
I keep thinking to myself that today will be the day that I won't think about him...I keep proving myself wrong, for yesterday he shook my hand and after that 2 seconds of firm grip that all the management books dictate one should have, he caressed the inside of my palm ever so slightly and held on to my fingers as I tried to wrench my hand free. Mixed messages, what the hell does it all mean?
As we stood toe to toeing on a point of law and logic with his subordinate, I thought to myself that I had to get out of it...I had to flee so that no one would know that the very proximity of this man was troubling. I fought against an urge to react nervously and shift my weight from side to side, in that instant I ran through memories of him inside and I could not deal.
Thankfully, and I am hoping it wasn't because he sensed my discomfort, he bid us farewell and I continued to talk as though nothing was said....eventually I expressed a wish for him to take care as he disappeared behind the door. God I hate this....I can't think of anything I hate more.
As we stood toe to toeing on a point of law and logic with his subordinate, I thought to myself that I had to get out of it...I had to flee so that no one would know that the very proximity of this man was troubling. I fought against an urge to react nervously and shift my weight from side to side, in that instant I ran through memories of him inside and I could not deal.
Thankfully, and I am hoping it wasn't because he sensed my discomfort, he bid us farewell and I continued to talk as though nothing was said....eventually I expressed a wish for him to take care as he disappeared behind the door. God I hate this....I can't think of anything I hate more.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Hopelessly in Love
Yes, I have said the words I didn't want to say, didn't want to admit to. I am in love with him, I now articulate. Its not only about the sex, enough of which has not taken place for me to really be this caught up, it is the fact that I "like him, like him". I confess this now so that the process of healing can commence. A feat which I hope to achieve through the documentation of this experience in its entirety with a view to getting him out of my system.
Whoever sung that song was right, it is gonna be kinda hard to get him out of my system, but why? I don't have the answers, I wont even claim to understand any part of the question other than the way I feel now and have felt since then. I confess that I have always liked him. He's tall, dark and handsome, a little on the chubby side now but handsome nonetheless, with legs that go on forever. He's a confident man, to the point of obnoxiousness, and that's the kinda man I like. One who is sure of himself and his abilities. His dick is adequate, personally I would have preferred something bigger but whatever will be will be. Its not the size of the instrument its how it is used, and this is at the crux of the matter.
I have had a few lovers but could only use two guys as my marker for excellence; the man that took my virginity, and the man who took me from the man that took my virginity. I have always sought to encourage a freedom of the mind when I have my flings because I know that it is unfair to compare skills....a noble notion though incapable of being adhered to or fulfilled. So as time went by I would "lick and promise" ( all the yardie dem out deh shoulda know what dat mean) while making the necessary comparisons, and almost always was able to discard each effortlessly just because they did not and could not measure up. This man though....this mocha mutha fucka had the moves.....and where he didn't, demonstrated "trainability", hence my dilemma.
Before now, my only concern with the man was whether or not I would be able to sustain a current affairs conversation, not whether he could hit my spot, and for me, that was all I needed. He has been attempting to lure me in for years, but I was too busy to give it serious consideration and relegated his advances to the fact that he was a flirt. I should have known that he would have affected me, just from that fact.
It seemed so perfect, he was married and therefore did not pose the usual threat of "playing stuckie" (Yardie term again) if the sex was good, but provided a platform for me to express myself a few times and leave it at that. Alas, I never knew that I could have fallen so deeply so quickly for another man, a married man at that.......though my track record could disprove this theory. I always seem to be seriously attracted to men who are too boastful for their own good, and men who think that the world stands ready to grant their every wish. This time however I know this is not what I want. I cannot go down this road again, the whole drama that unfolds when you are in love with a married man is something best experienced only once in a lifetime, but still I cannot divorce myself from my feelings for him. I am caught up. I need to be freed because only disaster could result for me.
I almost forgot how much new love hurts, the uncertainty, the feelings of being rejected, the confidence depletion, not knowing if he feels anything for you, not wanting to feel this way....its fucked up.
I can hear the questions being asked, "Am I sure I am in love or just thinking with my crotch instead of not my head"? I don't know, would be my answer.....I don't know. I also don't think I am willing to risk the unencumbered relationship I have for one which would amount to nought. I just pray and hope I will come to my senses soon and stop this foolishness. Although, its funny how we are easily tempted even when the Lord has granted us reprieve.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
SURMISING
June 10, 2007
In a moment of clarity this Sunday Morning I uncovered the truth. I realized that I was, like the proverbial monkey chasing its tail, in a battle of wills with a greater opponent. I thought to myself that I was foolish, and could see no other out but to bury my emotion deep within, but I was wrong, because other options run readily to mind now.
In my cluttered stubborn obsessiveness I lost sight of the power I wield, the power which had kept him interested and making advances over the years. That air of mystery. I can only hope that its not too late for me to switch roles and allow him to get caught up in my game for a change. I do realise that embarking on this process could spell disaster but I feel compelled to try, after all, what’s the worst that could result? Friendship? As daunting as that is, I will proceed to devise a framework for my plan.
Admittedly, I could once again be lost in my own little world that I have created to help me process these matters in a non-hysterical manner. I though this morning that he could be as bothered as I am, but recognising the threat, has chosen to keep as far out of my reach as possible. I realised that the battle I fight inside may very well be his also. My impatience clouded my understanding of the emotion at play here, which I will not verbalize but know deep within that it is a true one. One does not rush something you have worked on for 5 years. Instead like fine wine, you unplug the bottle, allow it to breath, swirl it around, take in its breathy aroma and gently sip, engulfing your senses in its delectably wonderful taste.
I realize that in seeking to conquer the mountain, I have been a deficient Mohammed. I had scant regard for the “friendship” we could share. Dangerous, I know but nonetheless inspiring. I have decided to be the friend he wants, no pressure to consummate, just be a friend. If he wants to call me once a month or less, I will let him hold the reigns and make those decisions. In the long run it will work out for me as well, because the bed buddy I have always sought is what he is offering, albeit on his terms….we get together once in a while to exorcise our demons and go back to our lives feeling refreshed….I can call him up once in a while and we can go and have a drink and chat and there will be no performance anxiety.
Sweet torture will be replaced by understanding in this model, and I will rest well at night once more. Critical to the plan is my ability to be indifferent, to think of him, not with his tongue in my mouth but as a bonafide friend, to let him stimulate my mind (in a non sexual way) and not my body.
This could be fun. Learning new things about oneself is always a beneficial experience…right? I endeavour from this day forward to be the buddy he needs, when he needs it and to develop some level of patience and understanding when he does not require my skills. “Friendship here I come”, will be the banner I will carry.
I can’t help think though, what else am I willing to compromise on, in order to maintain contact? Is it really that important to me?
In a moment of clarity this Sunday Morning I uncovered the truth. I realized that I was, like the proverbial monkey chasing its tail, in a battle of wills with a greater opponent. I thought to myself that I was foolish, and could see no other out but to bury my emotion deep within, but I was wrong, because other options run readily to mind now.
In my cluttered stubborn obsessiveness I lost sight of the power I wield, the power which had kept him interested and making advances over the years. That air of mystery. I can only hope that its not too late for me to switch roles and allow him to get caught up in my game for a change. I do realise that embarking on this process could spell disaster but I feel compelled to try, after all, what’s the worst that could result? Friendship? As daunting as that is, I will proceed to devise a framework for my plan.
Admittedly, I could once again be lost in my own little world that I have created to help me process these matters in a non-hysterical manner. I though this morning that he could be as bothered as I am, but recognising the threat, has chosen to keep as far out of my reach as possible. I realised that the battle I fight inside may very well be his also. My impatience clouded my understanding of the emotion at play here, which I will not verbalize but know deep within that it is a true one. One does not rush something you have worked on for 5 years. Instead like fine wine, you unplug the bottle, allow it to breath, swirl it around, take in its breathy aroma and gently sip, engulfing your senses in its delectably wonderful taste.
I realize that in seeking to conquer the mountain, I have been a deficient Mohammed. I had scant regard for the “friendship” we could share. Dangerous, I know but nonetheless inspiring. I have decided to be the friend he wants, no pressure to consummate, just be a friend. If he wants to call me once a month or less, I will let him hold the reigns and make those decisions. In the long run it will work out for me as well, because the bed buddy I have always sought is what he is offering, albeit on his terms….we get together once in a while to exorcise our demons and go back to our lives feeling refreshed….I can call him up once in a while and we can go and have a drink and chat and there will be no performance anxiety.
Sweet torture will be replaced by understanding in this model, and I will rest well at night once more. Critical to the plan is my ability to be indifferent, to think of him, not with his tongue in my mouth but as a bonafide friend, to let him stimulate my mind (in a non sexual way) and not my body.
This could be fun. Learning new things about oneself is always a beneficial experience…right? I endeavour from this day forward to be the buddy he needs, when he needs it and to develop some level of patience and understanding when he does not require my skills. “Friendship here I come”, will be the banner I will carry.
I can’t help think though, what else am I willing to compromise on, in order to maintain contact? Is it really that important to me?
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Manifest pain
June 4, 2007
I watch myself slink into a mould that is too familiar. I keep banging my head against the ceiling with a view to breaking through but nothing happens. I am distraught. The apple of my intentions does not return same emotion and I feel stung. Weakness is a part of me now and I can’t seem to find my way back from the brink of abject irrationality. He doesn’t care so move on I keep telling myself and praying for redemption but my saviour doesn’t come. I need to be released from this spell, I need to focus on me I need, I need, I need.
I cannot play this fool, what’s happening to me? I used to be so good at this. What did I do wrong this time, where did I lose sight of the game and the outcome and capsize into this grovelling fixation that perks up at the sound of his voice…..
I watch myself slink into a mould that is too familiar. I keep banging my head against the ceiling with a view to breaking through but nothing happens. I am distraught. The apple of my intentions does not return same emotion and I feel stung. Weakness is a part of me now and I can’t seem to find my way back from the brink of abject irrationality. He doesn’t care so move on I keep telling myself and praying for redemption but my saviour doesn’t come. I need to be released from this spell, I need to focus on me I need, I need, I need.
I cannot play this fool, what’s happening to me? I used to be so good at this. What did I do wrong this time, where did I lose sight of the game and the outcome and capsize into this grovelling fixation that perks up at the sound of his voice…..
Fidelity
June 4, 2007
I thought life was meant to teach you lessons as you went along the pause to create a consciousness of the things which we ought to recoil into our safe zones when faced. Marcus Garvey said that a man who has no consciousness of his history is destined to repeat past mistakes. I am conscious and aware of the bitter fruit in my life so why am I so frivolous with my heart?
Heart break is never something from which one recovers. Each experience is reincarnated in every relationship you have. Some with less intensity, others with power enough to encourage delirium. I am conflicted to ask the question, when is the lesson finished? For fear that I am submerged into a thought process so disparaging that the very reason for being in this state is objectified as a minor set back. Were this so, then the smell of the earth as it is caressed by the first drops of a summer shower would be lost to mankind, never to be enjoyed again.
Love hurts so much it hurts when you realize you are in love. It hurts because you know that you become vulnerable and offer all excuses, take all the b—ls--t, just to retain a piece of the experience. For me, there is no sweeter single emotion. It is the vein of life, it is at the core of our being; we search for it, we give up things for it, we do things to get it humans are incapable of not loving. We become members of the too human club. The club that provides refudge for the ‘used’ persons in this existence. I have always heard it said that “you don’t marry the people you love, you marry the people who love you” A reasonable interpretation I am sure, however one could also say that such a scenario puts at risk the institution, as persons are inevitably haunted by those they loved which thereby creating prosperous fodder for infidelity. Why not marry the people we love, just be sure to choose a partner who loves you back.
It seems that only love could persuade a married man to pursue, in his own way, a woman for the better part of 4 years, with the pursuit being recognized by all onlookers. Only love could let you watch her increase in dimension and still be attracted. Only love could make a confident man stutter at the thought of you. Only love could let her sit up at 2 in the morning writing about a world that she has created in her mind just to help her deal.
I thought life was meant to teach you lessons as you went along the pause to create a consciousness of the things which we ought to recoil into our safe zones when faced. Marcus Garvey said that a man who has no consciousness of his history is destined to repeat past mistakes. I am conscious and aware of the bitter fruit in my life so why am I so frivolous with my heart?
Heart break is never something from which one recovers. Each experience is reincarnated in every relationship you have. Some with less intensity, others with power enough to encourage delirium. I am conflicted to ask the question, when is the lesson finished? For fear that I am submerged into a thought process so disparaging that the very reason for being in this state is objectified as a minor set back. Were this so, then the smell of the earth as it is caressed by the first drops of a summer shower would be lost to mankind, never to be enjoyed again.
Love hurts so much it hurts when you realize you are in love. It hurts because you know that you become vulnerable and offer all excuses, take all the b—ls--t, just to retain a piece of the experience. For me, there is no sweeter single emotion. It is the vein of life, it is at the core of our being; we search for it, we give up things for it, we do things to get it humans are incapable of not loving. We become members of the too human club. The club that provides refudge for the ‘used’ persons in this existence. I have always heard it said that “you don’t marry the people you love, you marry the people who love you” A reasonable interpretation I am sure, however one could also say that such a scenario puts at risk the institution, as persons are inevitably haunted by those they loved which thereby creating prosperous fodder for infidelity. Why not marry the people we love, just be sure to choose a partner who loves you back.
It seems that only love could persuade a married man to pursue, in his own way, a woman for the better part of 4 years, with the pursuit being recognized by all onlookers. Only love could let you watch her increase in dimension and still be attracted. Only love could make a confident man stutter at the thought of you. Only love could let her sit up at 2 in the morning writing about a world that she has created in her mind just to help her deal.
Of course one always runs the risk of being wrong in this regard, having ascribed the title of that profound and elusive force to a misinterpreted need to physically conquer. Either way, embarrassment comes as part and parcel of the brainchild.
To each his own they say, and my “own” is wanting you so much it defies logical thought….it bars entry of other thoughts into the process. The devil has dealt us a hard hand from which winning is impossible. I must admit to being out of my depths with this one though; his crusade to teach patience is lost on my feeble, base being, for I am a slave to satisfying my Id. I tell myself its only sex but deep down I know there is more, as to the quantum the jury is still out. The sanctity of the ‘relationship bubble’ is threatened by my desires and I don’t like it.
I want to flush you from my system…how can I do that? I see trouble with you, from our inability to be outside of the bedroom to the impact on our spouses, I see trouble. Frankly I am beginning to think that the finger in the fire lesson is not as instructive as we may think, because here I stand with my whole being engulfed in flames and still I would risk it all again just to lay with him.
My misgivings are numerous and varied but paramount to all this is my inability to trust him. To trust him to not break my heart, to trust him to take the tough decisions when things get too much, to trust that he will respect me in the morning after he has unlocked my most deepest sanctuaries, to trust that he will be honest. I think I have demonstrated that I am incapable of seeing things in a lucid manner and therefore handling my business. Why did I allow the mistreatment from his wife to influence my carelessness so that my sweet revenge on her has become my own torture.
I know all I have to do is lift the receiver and call him and we would be back in business, but I don’t have the gonads for that. I prefer to think that we were like two ships passing in the night, we got close enough to touch each other but it was fleeting…and it should remain as such. No more.
Bleeding Heart Part II
June 3, 2007
I am amazed at myself for what I am about to write, but I have not yet gotten over this man. I watched today as he did his thing, mumbo jumboing, and thising and thating, but all I could think about was the way he affected me. Why did he affect me so? To this I offer only one line of biased reasoning. He affects me because I LET HIM.
I thought today about the way he felt against me, the challenge he posed to break him free from the uptight trappings of a soul uncomfortable in its own body and space, the way his tongue pressed firmly against mine, prodding and searching every sweet bud, the way he lied and disrespected my time….the turnon that was, because of the realization that in this world of super women, there are some men who possess the kryptonite necessary to disarm, his capacity for intellectual undertakings, his cockiness which masked a sliver of insecurity, the way he tried my patience and drew my ire.
My conflict is clear…I miss him….but why?
I have given my word that this passing thing has ended, that I can focus on us in the way I used to. This has proven to be a very difficult task since I have to see and hear him from time to time. I try to stay angry at the fact that he broke my spirit, but I was never patient enough in the first place to muster the energy necessary to feed this anger. Do I think I can get him again? Yes, this is probably the problem. How does one achieve closure when there is not agreement between the concerned parties? Do I pretend that he committed some unforgivable cardinal sin to be able to maintain acceptable levels of anger sufficient to reshape my psyche? Too many questions without answers, I wonder if I am too old to rely on the stars for intervention.
The long and short of this tale is that there is no miraculous cure. One has to process and keep on processing so that life can return to normal. With this resolve and the grace of God, I know I will overcome. I just have to stay focused, remove myself from all problematic situations….its good that I am filled with so much pride, the sheer embarrassment of being the one to rekindle this contact will diminish any carnal urge I may harbour. He is married, I am getting to marriage….there is no future…..unless we are both prepared to settle for a few moments of……. IS IT WORTH IT?
I am amazed at myself for what I am about to write, but I have not yet gotten over this man. I watched today as he did his thing, mumbo jumboing, and thising and thating, but all I could think about was the way he affected me. Why did he affect me so? To this I offer only one line of biased reasoning. He affects me because I LET HIM.
I thought today about the way he felt against me, the challenge he posed to break him free from the uptight trappings of a soul uncomfortable in its own body and space, the way his tongue pressed firmly against mine, prodding and searching every sweet bud, the way he lied and disrespected my time….the turnon that was, because of the realization that in this world of super women, there are some men who possess the kryptonite necessary to disarm, his capacity for intellectual undertakings, his cockiness which masked a sliver of insecurity, the way he tried my patience and drew my ire.
My conflict is clear…I miss him….but why?
I have given my word that this passing thing has ended, that I can focus on us in the way I used to. This has proven to be a very difficult task since I have to see and hear him from time to time. I try to stay angry at the fact that he broke my spirit, but I was never patient enough in the first place to muster the energy necessary to feed this anger. Do I think I can get him again? Yes, this is probably the problem. How does one achieve closure when there is not agreement between the concerned parties? Do I pretend that he committed some unforgivable cardinal sin to be able to maintain acceptable levels of anger sufficient to reshape my psyche? Too many questions without answers, I wonder if I am too old to rely on the stars for intervention.
The long and short of this tale is that there is no miraculous cure. One has to process and keep on processing so that life can return to normal. With this resolve and the grace of God, I know I will overcome. I just have to stay focused, remove myself from all problematic situations….its good that I am filled with so much pride, the sheer embarrassment of being the one to rekindle this contact will diminish any carnal urge I may harbour. He is married, I am getting to marriage….there is no future…..unless we are both prepared to settle for a few moments of……. IS IT WORTH IT?
Bleeding Heart
June 3, 2007
I am compelled again to document my thoughts as a means of processing all the drama in my life. This post mortem allows me freedom to lay to rest all the things I woulda, shoulda, coulda, done better in the situation, all the things that haunt my every waking moment. I know I was foolish to write, and not secure my spewings but so overcome with emotion was I…new emotion….that I got careless. I guess one could say that carelessness begets carelessness, because I should have never strayed from my man’s bussom in the first place, and to think to the semi open arms of a player.
My spirit weeps for the love that I might have lost, the sweet way in which he would stroke my hair in the morning to wake me up, and the uninhibited release he provided when we came together. These are things I will never forget…it will forever be the goal post by which all others are arbitrated.
Why are people so bad at making themselves happy? Why can’t we decipher the code for true bliss before it slips through our fingers or offers up an ultimatum? Why is it so hard to do the right thing, at all time? Why do we unravel so, when our actions’ consequences come home to roost?
For the past week I have been asking myself, whether it is possible to “get it back to good”, as they say in that song. I keep coming up empty on a response. I must say though, that love is unyielding….it tugs at your heart like wounded sparrow and it makes you foolish. Now that I am the one caught I have lost all hands, not only the upper. I am left in a world now where I have to submit to him…my passionate nature subdued by the urge to keep us together and not pile more shit on an already overburdened affair of the heart. It is not me.
I can only hope and pray THAT MY PERGATORY ENDS SOON AND I AM RETURNED, REFRESHED AND READY FOR THE TRIP THAT IS LIFE.
My only consolation is that he is just a man and will ultimately fall prey to his own temptation and then I will have the handle returned to its rightful place.
I am compelled again to document my thoughts as a means of processing all the drama in my life. This post mortem allows me freedom to lay to rest all the things I woulda, shoulda, coulda, done better in the situation, all the things that haunt my every waking moment. I know I was foolish to write, and not secure my spewings but so overcome with emotion was I…new emotion….that I got careless. I guess one could say that carelessness begets carelessness, because I should have never strayed from my man’s bussom in the first place, and to think to the semi open arms of a player.
My spirit weeps for the love that I might have lost, the sweet way in which he would stroke my hair in the morning to wake me up, and the uninhibited release he provided when we came together. These are things I will never forget…it will forever be the goal post by which all others are arbitrated.
Why are people so bad at making themselves happy? Why can’t we decipher the code for true bliss before it slips through our fingers or offers up an ultimatum? Why is it so hard to do the right thing, at all time? Why do we unravel so, when our actions’ consequences come home to roost?
For the past week I have been asking myself, whether it is possible to “get it back to good”, as they say in that song. I keep coming up empty on a response. I must say though, that love is unyielding….it tugs at your heart like wounded sparrow and it makes you foolish. Now that I am the one caught I have lost all hands, not only the upper. I am left in a world now where I have to submit to him…my passionate nature subdued by the urge to keep us together and not pile more shit on an already overburdened affair of the heart. It is not me.
I can only hope and pray THAT MY PERGATORY ENDS SOON AND I AM RETURNED, REFRESHED AND READY FOR THE TRIP THAT IS LIFE.
My only consolation is that he is just a man and will ultimately fall prey to his own temptation and then I will have the handle returned to its rightful place.
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