Its 5:26 pm on New Years Eve, and I am at work....just an indication of how shitty this year has been.
I started this morning with a post of another sort than what came out....I wanted to say that I had made contact on Saturday.......I solicited his help again with ending this thing.......I know other women would have taken his silence as a good indicator that it was over, but I am too complex for that. I believe that this is one of those pregnant pauses that he does until a face to face meeting takes place. Then its back to square one for me....I whisper unruly nothings and he bends his rules under the pressure.
I explained some of my foolishness and identified I think, the main issue......I couldn't convince myself to let go because I couldn't understand why he was so immune to me. So I asked him to say "Fuck Off", and I told him that he could use the same words, it didn't matter. I expressed a preference not to do this in 2008....optimistic I know, but it was what I was feeling at the time. I felt that I needed to let him know that my message was not intended to be construed as impatience or a ploy, but that it was my truth with a little immaturity mixed in. On reflection I know I should have told him that I simply was too immature to play this very grown up game but I tried to salvage some element of pride. I told him I simply just didn't get this or him and was spent.
He hasn't responded........not even to tell me again that I am overstating the case........now I am angry and sad. Angry that I didn't fight hard enough to not make the contact, and sad that I wanted him so much to risk this outcome. I knew this was a possibility, I guess I was just hoping that it would not have been the option chosen. I believe that I am intoxicated with the pain and punishment, a masochist. I need therapy. It seems I have gotten everything wrong, everything....now I must plan my next year, the Lord permitting, to not share the same space at least for 3 months, and hope that my strength is renewed everyday so that I feel less.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thoughts 5
Only a few hours left before the door to this bitch of a year closes. I must admit to feeling a little on edge because I know not what the future holds and I would so hate to carry over this bitterness into the New Year.
In true obsessed woman fashion I sent one last foolish message....a plea really....but I figure that I have done far worse throughout the year so another strike would mean nothing. I bowed to the need to make contact...turns out he is off the island.
Its funny, when I left the other day and he found out through a colleague, he did not pretend to be unaware when we saw each other eventually.......he remarked that I clearly didn't think him worthy of knowing that I would be away........on that note I piped up that it was a quickly planned and executed family thing. He joked about having delusions of grandeur that he could be considered like family and therefore be privy to my movements.......I laughed and settled the matter quickly, indicating that we were certainly not family and we were to consider ourselves "fuckers" at best....though enough of that had not taken place to do justice to this designation. He fell silent at that, and I assumed we were cool.
I don't feel off put by the fact that he was off the island for the Xmas without my knowing....yeah it would have been nice to know, but its a time for family and I am assuming it was a family thing.......in my mind there are two worlds; him and wifey and the family; and him and me (sort of)...the point being that I harbour no intentions of the twain crossing, meeting or otherwise, and I hope he knows this. I am not that type, some women like to be pals with the man's spouse but I am not like that. She deserves respect, after all, "memba a play we a play".... and I give as much respect to his relationship with her as I can by not making unreasonable requests of him. I have always had to clarify this point with men and I will send you home sometimes. The one has absolutely nothing to do with the other and she should assume first priority at all times, and this is how it should be.
I don't know if he was playing me when he mentioned the delusion thing, but it has caused me to wonder about where his head is where we are concerned. Were I to take his revelation seriously, and a part of me does at times in La La Land, I would be perturbed by the fact that he would think that this is all there is to having a successful 'on the side' relationship. That he would consider how he has dealt with this thing as normal would reveal that our definitions of "relationship" differs....greatly.
We all have our quirks, to this I agree....cause for me, having sex a lot in a relationship means you are interested (too much testosterone, I think)......and I have worked out that this is not necessarily how other people conceptualize it. For me sex is that important pillar of any good relationship, so if I'm not getting sex, then I will have cause to wonder what the @#%&.
This wasn't exactly the post I started writing but I guess it has been occupying my mind....could he really think that this is how an "on the side" relationship should go????? In which world could "biannual bedding" be considered a normal functional relationship?????? I don't get it.
For me relationships on the side are supposed to be filled with passion so much that you take the foolish chances to dip your dick as many times inna a gal as she will allow. I have admitted that he is an atypical cheater, in that he is absolutely committed to his wife and family and he takes pains to demonstrate that to me, always on the phone with her etc. So maybe he is also atypical in what he wants from an on the side thing, which is not a problem provided you let a bitch know what you want.....that's all I need, clarity......not a juvenile demonstration (such as silence) of your ineptitude to deal with real issues. He is a big man, 11yrs my senior, I don't expect playground games unless it involves me calling him "Daddy", which is quite pleasing actually when appropriate. Could he really see nothing wrong with his actions to date, and if so why would he think that I would be cool with that???????? Communication in any relationship is paramount and its absence leads to posts like these....endless thoughts about what gives and generally unnecessary hurt and misconception.
In true obsessed woman fashion I sent one last foolish message....a plea really....but I figure that I have done far worse throughout the year so another strike would mean nothing. I bowed to the need to make contact...turns out he is off the island.
Its funny, when I left the other day and he found out through a colleague, he did not pretend to be unaware when we saw each other eventually.......he remarked that I clearly didn't think him worthy of knowing that I would be away........on that note I piped up that it was a quickly planned and executed family thing. He joked about having delusions of grandeur that he could be considered like family and therefore be privy to my movements.......I laughed and settled the matter quickly, indicating that we were certainly not family and we were to consider ourselves "fuckers" at best....though enough of that had not taken place to do justice to this designation. He fell silent at that, and I assumed we were cool.
I don't feel off put by the fact that he was off the island for the Xmas without my knowing....yeah it would have been nice to know, but its a time for family and I am assuming it was a family thing.......in my mind there are two worlds; him and wifey and the family; and him and me (sort of)...the point being that I harbour no intentions of the twain crossing, meeting or otherwise, and I hope he knows this. I am not that type, some women like to be pals with the man's spouse but I am not like that. She deserves respect, after all, "memba a play we a play".... and I give as much respect to his relationship with her as I can by not making unreasonable requests of him. I have always had to clarify this point with men and I will send you home sometimes. The one has absolutely nothing to do with the other and she should assume first priority at all times, and this is how it should be.
I don't know if he was playing me when he mentioned the delusion thing, but it has caused me to wonder about where his head is where we are concerned. Were I to take his revelation seriously, and a part of me does at times in La La Land, I would be perturbed by the fact that he would think that this is all there is to having a successful 'on the side' relationship. That he would consider how he has dealt with this thing as normal would reveal that our definitions of "relationship" differs....greatly.
We all have our quirks, to this I agree....cause for me, having sex a lot in a relationship means you are interested (too much testosterone, I think)......and I have worked out that this is not necessarily how other people conceptualize it. For me sex is that important pillar of any good relationship, so if I'm not getting sex, then I will have cause to wonder what the @#%&.
This wasn't exactly the post I started writing but I guess it has been occupying my mind....could he really think that this is how an "on the side" relationship should go????? In which world could "biannual bedding" be considered a normal functional relationship?????? I don't get it.
For me relationships on the side are supposed to be filled with passion so much that you take the foolish chances to dip your dick as many times inna a gal as she will allow. I have admitted that he is an atypical cheater, in that he is absolutely committed to his wife and family and he takes pains to demonstrate that to me, always on the phone with her etc. So maybe he is also atypical in what he wants from an on the side thing, which is not a problem provided you let a bitch know what you want.....that's all I need, clarity......not a juvenile demonstration (such as silence) of your ineptitude to deal with real issues. He is a big man, 11yrs my senior, I don't expect playground games unless it involves me calling him "Daddy", which is quite pleasing actually when appropriate. Could he really see nothing wrong with his actions to date, and if so why would he think that I would be cool with that???????? Communication in any relationship is paramount and its absence leads to posts like these....endless thoughts about what gives and generally unnecessary hurt and misconception.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Ramblings 8
I want to send a message telling him "Merry fucking Christmas and a Happy bumboclaat New Year"....I realise I am still angry so lets hope this vibe passes......afterall he would know that I am perturbed if I give in to this feeling........a part of me thinks he knows already but I will continue to live the lie. How about renewing my call for him to take the lead and end this? I guess I really just want to make contact.........it will pass.
I am alone at work today and I am enjoying the space....probably should get some work done and not be the typical government worker in the holidays....right?
I am alone at work today and I am enjoying the space....probably should get some work done and not be the typical government worker in the holidays....right?
Wishing
December 27, 2007 - Continued further
Seems I'm in quite a pickle......on the one hand there is me (what's left), and on the other there is them........I have things I need to say to both, but my balls are the size of gungo peas.
I wish I could tell one to go fuck himself........wait......can't use that cause it applies to both......Okay......I wish that one could know my true feelings.......shit....can't use that either..........
Lets change the approach.......I Wish That I Had Bigger Balls.
Seems I'm in quite a pickle......on the one hand there is me (what's left), and on the other there is them........I have things I need to say to both, but my balls are the size of gungo peas.
I wish I could tell one to go fuck himself........wait......can't use that cause it applies to both......Okay......I wish that one could know my true feelings.......shit....can't use that either..........
Lets change the approach.......I Wish That I Had Bigger Balls.
Thoughts 4
December 27, 2007 - Continued
So many thoughts in my head,
So much to process,
I fear that if I deal in my thoughts too much I may grow to love the world I would have created and choose to reside there for a spell....so I continue to have haphazard indulgence, just enough to ease the pain.
I do wish for unencumbered time to think though.....to admit to my feelings and uncover the magic of willpower, which I know resides in me........... somewhere.
I wish for time to be turned back.....this is the easy solve and it would be sooo cool if this were possible. Seriously though, I wish for a quick fix.
I coached a Friend into accepting the fact that she had been in love with this guy for the past 10 yrs. She thought she was just having fun initially and had let it all go when she left to do her Doctorate....every visit though would result in heartache.
I told her she needed to acknowledge her love fi di yout first and foremost, and that he was married now and therefore was unavailable and she needed to let him go....... I told her this would clear a path for the real healing to take place.
I chastised myself for the blatant lie, but it was a necessary lie.......She says she did as I said and was cured. She tested the strength of her healing when she bucked him up at a party.......she said she exchanged pleasantries and bid him and wifey goodnight....it was a good moment she says. Personally I couldn't believe that this girl who five months ago couldn't bear the thought of not thinking about him, had banished his memory to the back of her mind?....no way....in two weeks......no way.......she is a strong one though....men complain about her not calling enough so she has no difficulty locking up shop.
I remember thinking, why couldn't I be so lucky?....I wish for lady luck to smile upon me similarly..........................................I just want to go to bed and wake up in a day that I waste no time in thoughts of him.......That's all I want, I figure everything after that will be simple.
So many thoughts in my head,
So much to process,
I fear that if I deal in my thoughts too much I may grow to love the world I would have created and choose to reside there for a spell....so I continue to have haphazard indulgence, just enough to ease the pain.
I do wish for unencumbered time to think though.....to admit to my feelings and uncover the magic of willpower, which I know resides in me........... somewhere.
I wish for time to be turned back.....this is the easy solve and it would be sooo cool if this were possible. Seriously though, I wish for a quick fix.
I coached a Friend into accepting the fact that she had been in love with this guy for the past 10 yrs. She thought she was just having fun initially and had let it all go when she left to do her Doctorate....every visit though would result in heartache.
I told her she needed to acknowledge her love fi di yout first and foremost, and that he was married now and therefore was unavailable and she needed to let him go....... I told her this would clear a path for the real healing to take place.
I chastised myself for the blatant lie, but it was a necessary lie.......She says she did as I said and was cured. She tested the strength of her healing when she bucked him up at a party.......she said she exchanged pleasantries and bid him and wifey goodnight....it was a good moment she says. Personally I couldn't believe that this girl who five months ago couldn't bear the thought of not thinking about him, had banished his memory to the back of her mind?....no way....in two weeks......no way.......she is a strong one though....men complain about her not calling enough so she has no difficulty locking up shop.
I remember thinking, why couldn't I be so lucky?....I wish for lady luck to smile upon me similarly..........................................I just want to go to bed and wake up in a day that I waste no time in thoughts of him.......That's all I want, I figure everything after that will be simple.
The Strength of a Woman
I was at home yesterday....its amazing, the one day that I needed to be surrounded by friends and family, I could find not a one...so I wrote, and wrote and wrote.
December 27, 2007
He thinks I am childish.....so does my Boogie. I tell Boogie that I will not accept this description until he can show me the child that can have him mumbling bullshit under her pussy, moaning and groaning for just a chance to slip in a finger....until that day I will still consider myself to be a woman.
Though I can't fully own up to the designation I guess I can see their point......I was pissed on Xmas day because none of the two said "Merry Christmas".......I like Christmas and I never get tired of the little details that make it special......so at 11:00 p.m. on the day I finally asked Boogie if he was vexed with me or something.....when he asked why I would think that, I confessed to being perturbed by the fact that he had not said "Merry Christmas"......yes I got the hug and kiss and we exchanged gifts but "good morning" is no substitute. He smiled and kissed my forehead, cheeks and nose and lips while saying Merry Christmas....I felt better. If this makes me childish, then so be it.
I digressed.....it seems to me that they may be right on other scores as well, cause a woman, a real woman would have been over this hurdle already.
A real woman would not have been one-upped by this man.
A real woman would have known better and would have been unaffected by the nothingness.
A real woman would have had him eating out of the palms of her hands.
A real woman wouldn't have fallen, and if she did she would have gotten up and dusted the memories from her mind and gotten back in the game.
A real woman wouldn't sit day after day writing her heart out.
A real woman at least 9 months ago, would have washed her hands on the issue and sought to beat another into submission
A real woman would have taken advantage of the other two distractions and said fuck it.
So they are right, I am childish, my only spark of hope is that children, eventually and inevitably, grow up.
December 27, 2007
He thinks I am childish.....so does my Boogie. I tell Boogie that I will not accept this description until he can show me the child that can have him mumbling bullshit under her pussy, moaning and groaning for just a chance to slip in a finger....until that day I will still consider myself to be a woman.
Though I can't fully own up to the designation I guess I can see their point......I was pissed on Xmas day because none of the two said "Merry Christmas".......I like Christmas and I never get tired of the little details that make it special......so at 11:00 p.m. on the day I finally asked Boogie if he was vexed with me or something.....when he asked why I would think that, I confessed to being perturbed by the fact that he had not said "Merry Christmas"......yes I got the hug and kiss and we exchanged gifts but "good morning" is no substitute. He smiled and kissed my forehead, cheeks and nose and lips while saying Merry Christmas....I felt better. If this makes me childish, then so be it.
I digressed.....it seems to me that they may be right on other scores as well, cause a woman, a real woman would have been over this hurdle already.
A real woman would not have been one-upped by this man.
A real woman would have known better and would have been unaffected by the nothingness.
A real woman would have had him eating out of the palms of her hands.
A real woman wouldn't have fallen, and if she did she would have gotten up and dusted the memories from her mind and gotten back in the game.
A real woman wouldn't sit day after day writing her heart out.
A real woman at least 9 months ago, would have washed her hands on the issue and sought to beat another into submission
A real woman would have taken advantage of the other two distractions and said fuck it.
So they are right, I am childish, my only spark of hope is that children, eventually and inevitably, grow up.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Truth 2
I feel like I am 16yrs old....I actually thought he would call, send a message.....something, anything today of all days........Not even a Merry Christmas. I have always taken these things too seriously......I've never been disappointed like this before......I even have guys I stopped fucking years ago, calling to wish me Merry Xmas, I don't get it......unless he really just doesn't want to have anything to do with me????.........Wow......so there will be no possibility for friendship when I am beyond the heartache part????.......How would that work....work wise I mean????(I am not accustomed to smiling with people I don't like)........WOW
I must say that I have always laughed at my female friends who tell me that they can feel through sex whether a man will hang around........I usually tell them that this is what happens when one is not accustomed to passionate sex......but I think I get it now....I am constrained to admit that I thought I felt a little more than the "just for sex" thing.....turns out I was wrong.
Ah Well......I will use this opportunity to say Merry Christmas to him nonetheless.........and to say that the game could have only been better if I were not the victim....Touche....Touche....... my white flag is flying high....I bow down to the superior being you are........I will rest now.
I must say that I have always laughed at my female friends who tell me that they can feel through sex whether a man will hang around........I usually tell them that this is what happens when one is not accustomed to passionate sex......but I think I get it now....I am constrained to admit that I thought I felt a little more than the "just for sex" thing.....turns out I was wrong.
Ah Well......I will use this opportunity to say Merry Christmas to him nonetheless.........and to say that the game could have only been better if I were not the victim....Touche....Touche....... my white flag is flying high....I bow down to the superior being you are........I will rest now.
Monday, December 24, 2007
True Confessions
Have you ever seen that movie...."Love Actually"....its good.....I thought I would borrow a line from it today....
Because its Chrismus........and the dictates of the season are honesty, truth and openness......I will confess that:
-He is my Kryptonite ( Xmas is finished so my xmas confession has to be buried again......afterall, I'm not in love, its just a phase i am going through ;)
- I know he does not feel the same way
- I don't care
- I know my feelings are wrong...but I still want us to be the only other people in each other's lives
- Unfortunately this will not pass like the seasons
- Time does not heal all wounds
- I don't want to be the weak one in 2008....I don't want this to continue into 2008
- The Yule Tide season is not too merry but I am giving an Oscar worthy performance
- It really hurts
- I am not tough enough
- I have no hold over him
- I should do the right thing and run away from this existing danger
Because its Chrismus........and the dictates of the season are honesty, truth and openness......I will confess that:
-He is my Kryptonite ( Xmas is finished so my xmas confession has to be buried again......afterall, I'm not in love, its just a phase i am going through ;)
- I know he does not feel the same way
- I don't care
- I know my feelings are wrong...but I still want us to be the only other people in each other's lives
- Unfortunately this will not pass like the seasons
- Time does not heal all wounds
- I don't want to be the weak one in 2008....I don't want this to continue into 2008
- The Yule Tide season is not too merry but I am giving an Oscar worthy performance
- It really hurts
- I am not tough enough
- I have no hold over him
- I should do the right thing and run away from this existing danger
Friday, December 21, 2007
Shhhhhhhhh
Sometimes, if I am really quiet I can hear myself think too much about my conundrum.....it is disquieting
How can I continue to feel when it is clear from his actions that I hold no interest, not even as a useful distraction
Investing more time in thoughts of him is futile.......my attempts at resolution of his matter have been weak, I feel too much....I should feel less as time passes......but I don't
That his treatment of me is not a deterrent is puzzling....I am out of my depth......I want him.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
ISSUES
I have ISSUES......I am a BAD PERSON.......I am CRUEL, to everyone who encounters me, even myself.......I am UNHAPPY with my life as it is now.......I have always wondered whether I could ever really be FAITHFUL........I am good at fucking things up....fucking people up and I don't know why I do what I do.....sometimes I just feel so trapped......I know that this is why I am terrified of marriage, that band of gold represents a cage..........I do so well sometimes, my eyes never stray in the times when I am being good...even in the face of much provocation......somehow though, when I start being bad, I could write a book.
Usually I can confess to Boogie about my dalliances......conscience is a bitch.....now however I don't even know who he is and how he will react if he discovers this me.......I love him too much to use him to get over this distraction, so I have to find another and it kills me inside to do what I am doing.....especially when I think about the effect on him if he finds out...everything. I regret that I have been this affected by the idea of this man.........I want to have them both, but I know that will not be possible.......With a looming new year I wish, no....I hope, no......I bare my heart and soul to the Lord to have him end this......it is simply too much.
Usually I can confess to Boogie about my dalliances......conscience is a bitch.....now however I don't even know who he is and how he will react if he discovers this me.......I love him too much to use him to get over this distraction, so I have to find another and it kills me inside to do what I am doing.....especially when I think about the effect on him if he finds out...everything. I regret that I have been this affected by the idea of this man.........I want to have them both, but I know that will not be possible.......With a looming new year I wish, no....I hope, no......I bare my heart and soul to the Lord to have him end this......it is simply too much.
Relationships
Have you ever noticed that when you are caught up in.......something, you seem to get amnesia. For me, I can't seem to remember if I used to sleep throughout the night prior to this madness. Don't get me wrong insomnia and I have been great friends since high schoool cause I worry...a lot....this is different though, I can't seem to remember a time when he wasn't the last thing in my mind before going to bed and the second thing when I awaken.
I use my sleepless nights sometimes to wake up others and see how much work I can get done, or to actually do work-work.....sometimes though I find myself lost in thoughts of him related issues. During this period I am rational, I am calm and I leave the process with a resolve to bury my foolishness.......then I undo all this work between the rising of the sun and the dusk......and so the cycle goes.
I escaped to the Country this weekend....funeral related......but I used the opportunity to reconnect with some University buddies. In one case I connected too much.....and I hope we will be able to overcome this lapse...he is a good bredren, one who unfortunately I have transformed into a friend.
I have never believed in the "man and woman" friendship situation. Females and males were meant to do one thing when closeness sets in, so you have males you have not fucked yet but you enjoy stringing along....you have males who are just too sweet so you decide not to mess with them as a courtesy, but you know that they would die for the opportunity to be with you in that way,.....then there are the guys who, yuh know if yuh lef yuhself careless him will be on top a yuh (these are the ones I like, have to keep your options open).....in the great analysis therefore there are three types of man-woman friendships (always remember too, that friends fuck friends).....friendship born out of having been lovers, friendship cause you haven't quite worked out how to fuck yet and "bredrendom".
In bredrendom you know you could progress to sex, but you value the friendship too much.....he knows all you lovers, he knows about your escapades, you introduce him as your bredren, he knows a deeper part of the inner you....the bitchy part....and he doesn't judge you......you actually try to change the relationship sometimes, but usually when you weigh it out you both stop before you ruin things.....you don't talk often, but when you do, its for hours.....you make plans to visit each other, but they never come to fruition, cause.....
So now, my bredren is a friend....hopefully I won't repeat it......he knows that I was using him, he was there for me in the way I needed him to be.....the only way which could give me some sanity. I will not discuss how it was cause I respect him too much, I just wanted to "big up" all the bredrens out there and say thanks.
I use my sleepless nights sometimes to wake up others and see how much work I can get done, or to actually do work-work.....sometimes though I find myself lost in thoughts of him related issues. During this period I am rational, I am calm and I leave the process with a resolve to bury my foolishness.......then I undo all this work between the rising of the sun and the dusk......and so the cycle goes.
I escaped to the Country this weekend....funeral related......but I used the opportunity to reconnect with some University buddies. In one case I connected too much.....and I hope we will be able to overcome this lapse...he is a good bredren, one who unfortunately I have transformed into a friend.
I have never believed in the "man and woman" friendship situation. Females and males were meant to do one thing when closeness sets in, so you have males you have not fucked yet but you enjoy stringing along....you have males who are just too sweet so you decide not to mess with them as a courtesy, but you know that they would die for the opportunity to be with you in that way,.....then there are the guys who, yuh know if yuh lef yuhself careless him will be on top a yuh (these are the ones I like, have to keep your options open).....in the great analysis therefore there are three types of man-woman friendships (always remember too, that friends fuck friends).....friendship born out of having been lovers, friendship cause you haven't quite worked out how to fuck yet and "bredrendom".
In bredrendom you know you could progress to sex, but you value the friendship too much.....he knows all you lovers, he knows about your escapades, you introduce him as your bredren, he knows a deeper part of the inner you....the bitchy part....and he doesn't judge you......you actually try to change the relationship sometimes, but usually when you weigh it out you both stop before you ruin things.....you don't talk often, but when you do, its for hours.....you make plans to visit each other, but they never come to fruition, cause.....
So now, my bredren is a friend....hopefully I won't repeat it......he knows that I was using him, he was there for me in the way I needed him to be.....the only way which could give me some sanity. I will not discuss how it was cause I respect him too much, I just wanted to "big up" all the bredrens out there and say thanks.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Fuming 2
It was a rough day today.......people in general pissing me off........ but one in particular, and I feel so badly because he is so young, but if you are intent on being a " social/professional climber" without putting in the work, then I will get pissed when I am asked to clean up your mess.
This youngster (and I only call him that because others seem to think that his age has something to do with his blind ambition and calculating nature...I know better), he is a son of a bitch and will end up in prison unless he decides to take the time to learn. I have a little brother and that is the only thing which stood between me and him today....I wanted to tie him to a tree and give him a "Kunta Kente" bus' ass.
I managed, just barley, to control my temper sufficient to tell him to leave me the @#%$ alone...trying to put on puppy dog eyes to calm the beast I was...like I gave a fuck about that...puppies get fucked up in this life too you know.
This youngster (and I only call him that because others seem to think that his age has something to do with his blind ambition and calculating nature...I know better), he is a son of a bitch and will end up in prison unless he decides to take the time to learn. I have a little brother and that is the only thing which stood between me and him today....I wanted to tie him to a tree and give him a "Kunta Kente" bus' ass.
I managed, just barley, to control my temper sufficient to tell him to leave me the @#%$ alone...trying to put on puppy dog eyes to calm the beast I was...like I gave a fuck about that...puppies get fucked up in this life too you know.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Burning
I am still fighting the need to fuck him up.......I sent a "Hail up" message last night...just because.....and I guess I really never expected a response, but I am woman....and as such I reserve the right to change my damn mind.....he is pissing me off again.
Imagine, I put my jealousy aside, recognising that I have no hold over this man and cannot therefore ask for limitations to be put on the number of persons he uses to amuse himself....after all, we are not in a relationship.....so I tried to establish contact......it was raining and who can withstand the power of that? But he has chosen to show me how much of a 'Big Man' he is by not responding.
He told me the other day that I was "feisty"...... I was a little pissed but I guess I can't argue too much with that description....my tongue being the way it is...now I wish I could step out of my tattered shroud of professionalism and prove this by being the bitch I am, and tell him to go fuck himself...knowing of course that he could rebut with an indication of the many people he has who are willing to do the job....(hissing/sucking teeth).....Fuck it.
Imagine, I put my jealousy aside, recognising that I have no hold over this man and cannot therefore ask for limitations to be put on the number of persons he uses to amuse himself....after all, we are not in a relationship.....so I tried to establish contact......it was raining and who can withstand the power of that? But he has chosen to show me how much of a 'Big Man' he is by not responding.
He told me the other day that I was "feisty"...... I was a little pissed but I guess I can't argue too much with that description....my tongue being the way it is...now I wish I could step out of my tattered shroud of professionalism and prove this by being the bitch I am, and tell him to go fuck himself...knowing of course that he could rebut with an indication of the many people he has who are willing to do the job....(hissing/sucking teeth).....Fuck it.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Happenings
Its Christmas time and Santa has brought me work so much that I am stuck in my Office at this ungodly hour (6pm) and it seems I will be here for a while.......is this the real meaning of Christmas?
I am not happy, but I am not overly sad at this development......its good to have the space to breathe. If only I could enjoy a similar space in my mind.
My anger is back...people seem intent on pissing me off today. To make things worse, I checked "HisSpace" and found he has a friend that he seems quite taken with. He has never made me feel secure so I am reacting the only way I know how. I have never been able to control my jealousy, I know its silly, but I simply cannot stand the thought of sharing, in general, and sharing him further..........I will have to be strident in my retaliation........I want to call and demonstrate my dexterity with with profanity......I am burning to fuck him up.......I feel stupid for even reacting in this way and worse to be thinking to let him know that I am this affected........Damn. My jawline is doing its usual dance and I am ready to strike............God I want to be a big girl about this.
I am not happy, but I am not overly sad at this development......its good to have the space to breathe. If only I could enjoy a similar space in my mind.
My anger is back...people seem intent on pissing me off today. To make things worse, I checked "HisSpace" and found he has a friend that he seems quite taken with. He has never made me feel secure so I am reacting the only way I know how. I have never been able to control my jealousy, I know its silly, but I simply cannot stand the thought of sharing, in general, and sharing him further..........I will have to be strident in my retaliation........I want to call and demonstrate my dexterity with with profanity......I am burning to fuck him up.......I feel stupid for even reacting in this way and worse to be thinking to let him know that I am this affected........Damn. My jawline is doing its usual dance and I am ready to strike............God I want to be a big girl about this.
Revelations 2
I am writing again.....Damn, this is not a good sign. With every thought I capture in sentence my resolve is depleted.....Damn.
I am too young in mind, too immature, too foolish. Oh how I wish I had just fucked him that first night, then I would be in control and this would have ended a long time ago. Then he would have been someone I fucked one night, there would have been no time elapsed between us to fuel thoughts of other emotions which may be at play.
I have determined that I am a useful distraction....a place to get his cock wet when no one is looking...... I don't complain about the ill treatment.......I suck up the bones he throws me every now and again..... I stand idly by while he flirts with another......I don't resist enough. I am simply, a non-threatening useful distraction....and I'm getting angry again at that.
I know he is playing me, I just can't mount and sustain a reasonable defense.......I am foolish, I am weak and he knows this.
I am too young in mind, too immature, too foolish. Oh how I wish I had just fucked him that first night, then I would be in control and this would have ended a long time ago. Then he would have been someone I fucked one night, there would have been no time elapsed between us to fuel thoughts of other emotions which may be at play.
I have determined that I am a useful distraction....a place to get his cock wet when no one is looking...... I don't complain about the ill treatment.......I suck up the bones he throws me every now and again..... I stand idly by while he flirts with another......I don't resist enough. I am simply, a non-threatening useful distraction....and I'm getting angry again at that.
I know he is playing me, I just can't mount and sustain a reasonable defense.......I am foolish, I am weak and he knows this.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Distractions
I travelled over land and sea to escape this me. I shed my usual armour and got down in the ATL for a little while. I drank, smoked and fucked (I know you're wondering what I did differently at this point), I also danced my sorrows away.
Yep I was on my head top in a really cheesy West Indian club but I decided to make the best of it amidst men who didn't think twice about letting me know how "pretty" my teeth were, old men trapped in a time gone by, hoping and praying that some young or youngish thing would give them the time of day once they slid in offering drinks, funny, funny funny...looking like a shoddy version of Mr. Bigs....too funny. I was unconcerned I refused nicely and continued to dance with myself, grabbing my crotch when Beenie's "Dude" came on, and Beres and Sanchez.....the curious thing is that I had only had one drink in the 2 hrs.
I was foot loose and fancy free, I was a woman possessed with releasing the months of unrequited affection....I went home with girlfriends and family members with total agreement to keep my behaviour under wraps, employing the old adage "what happens in the club, stays in the club".
When I went to bed, I was frustrated, so I made a call....a booty call. I had set things in motion prior to my arrival, he wanted me and I relented finally. I decided not to air my reservations in this blog because I was mindful of the result the last time I did that.....I didn't want doubt to creep in.....I accepted that the power to do rests with me so I did.
He was affectionate, kissing and tugging (maybe just a little too much), he dick was nice, big, thick......a body builder, I always wanted to try one of those, a bit clumsy when it comes to kissing, but with the right training, he could be better........ it was sex, nothing more, nothing less. Now I am haunted by him. Its amazing, I thought I wanted the power which flows from knowing "yuh have a man weak" to erase my failure in my other endeavour.....its not as fulfilling as I thought it would be. Really, its an annoyance, and I hate to be overly rude, cause the world is round, but I know I have to draw the line before he provokes me to wrath....usually my mouth fails me when I let things fester, I say what comes to my mind ( usually in my native tongue and punctuated with profanity) and thinking about it comes waaay down the line. I would prefer that this doesn't happen.
I guess the concept of using this man to get over the other distraction will not bear the fruit I want......I feel I would be better served if it was another offending party that was enamoured, that was open with his emotions....that's what will make me feel powerful. For now then, I will work on finding the right words to convey the stop message while ensuring that the door doesn't close entirely.....you never know in this life.......
Yep I was on my head top in a really cheesy West Indian club but I decided to make the best of it amidst men who didn't think twice about letting me know how "pretty" my teeth were, old men trapped in a time gone by, hoping and praying that some young or youngish thing would give them the time of day once they slid in offering drinks, funny, funny funny...looking like a shoddy version of Mr. Bigs....too funny. I was unconcerned I refused nicely and continued to dance with myself, grabbing my crotch when Beenie's "Dude" came on, and Beres and Sanchez.....the curious thing is that I had only had one drink in the 2 hrs.
I was foot loose and fancy free, I was a woman possessed with releasing the months of unrequited affection....I went home with girlfriends and family members with total agreement to keep my behaviour under wraps, employing the old adage "what happens in the club, stays in the club".
When I went to bed, I was frustrated, so I made a call....a booty call. I had set things in motion prior to my arrival, he wanted me and I relented finally. I decided not to air my reservations in this blog because I was mindful of the result the last time I did that.....I didn't want doubt to creep in.....I accepted that the power to do rests with me so I did.
He was affectionate, kissing and tugging (maybe just a little too much), he dick was nice, big, thick......a body builder, I always wanted to try one of those, a bit clumsy when it comes to kissing, but with the right training, he could be better........ it was sex, nothing more, nothing less. Now I am haunted by him. Its amazing, I thought I wanted the power which flows from knowing "yuh have a man weak" to erase my failure in my other endeavour.....its not as fulfilling as I thought it would be. Really, its an annoyance, and I hate to be overly rude, cause the world is round, but I know I have to draw the line before he provokes me to wrath....usually my mouth fails me when I let things fester, I say what comes to my mind ( usually in my native tongue and punctuated with profanity) and thinking about it comes waaay down the line. I would prefer that this doesn't happen.
I guess the concept of using this man to get over the other distraction will not bear the fruit I want......I feel I would be better served if it was another offending party that was enamoured, that was open with his emotions....that's what will make me feel powerful. For now then, I will work on finding the right words to convey the stop message while ensuring that the door doesn't close entirely.....you never know in this life.......
Thoughts 3
I wrote this the other day.....technological challenges prohibited my posting it.
December 6, 2007
Its my Moms birthday...I am not doing so well (Sigh)
So much could have been shared, she would have been soooo proud of us all. She would have loved to see the family bond that she nurtured finally flowing within the parts of the whole that is us....a family.
It hurts
I still try to remember that the Lord does everything for a reason, there is a purpose for this loss...my mind and eyes just have difficulty connecting with that notion sometimes. It did buoy me through in the early days after her passing though.....it kept me lucid, and I am trying damn hard right now to eek out a similar result.
I have buried myself in work, deep within the recesses of my office.....cause tears are flowing. My colleagues understand that I am sometimes moody and usually leave me alone to work through my issues, but thanks to the gentleman who shares our space I was able to get a hug and squeeze. He came in to ask how I was doing....he knows the history and we share a bond born out of shared experience with losing a mother to cancer. He told me that he was available for hugs, if required, throughout the day.....he is cool.
I thought enough time had passed for me to deal from a better place in this time......I was wrong.
December 6, 2007
Its my Moms birthday...I am not doing so well (Sigh)
So much could have been shared, she would have been soooo proud of us all. She would have loved to see the family bond that she nurtured finally flowing within the parts of the whole that is us....a family.
It hurts
I still try to remember that the Lord does everything for a reason, there is a purpose for this loss...my mind and eyes just have difficulty connecting with that notion sometimes. It did buoy me through in the early days after her passing though.....it kept me lucid, and I am trying damn hard right now to eek out a similar result.
I have buried myself in work, deep within the recesses of my office.....cause tears are flowing. My colleagues understand that I am sometimes moody and usually leave me alone to work through my issues, but thanks to the gentleman who shares our space I was able to get a hug and squeeze. He came in to ask how I was doing....he knows the history and we share a bond born out of shared experience with losing a mother to cancer. He told me that he was available for hugs, if required, throughout the day.....he is cool.
I thought enough time had passed for me to deal from a better place in this time......I was wrong.
Clear and Present Danger
Its always bad when I don't get my way.....when I am not in control. It becomes a challenge to conquer rather than a fleeting affair. I wish to conquer, I wish to break the unbreakable....to what end though? I have not gotten that far in my thoughts as yet.
Consciously, I know I am in the wrong.....I shouldn't seek to covet, but in my defense I raise the matter of his inability to stick to his own decisions in this matter. He makes it too easy for me to:
i) get under his skin
ii) doubt his intentions
iii) place those doubts at the back of my mind while I relish the moments when he breaks under the pressure of my vulgar utterances
When there is distance between us, it is easy for us both to hold back.....eventually in my case, almost immediately it seems in his. I have no misconceptions......I know he is married, and from the looks of things, he loves her...a lot, just my luck to find the one married man that does not lie about his wedded bliss...(annoying really)....... I know too that he is out of my league, I know I may be reading everything wrongly, but I also know that he has a way with me.....a way which opens my mind to fairy tales and the happily ever after they promote. I know I should do everything in my power to stop...but I don' t want to....I don't want to keep this issue at arms length....I want to conquer.
I have realised though that engaging in other distractions does not solve the problem....it dulls the pain somewhat, but I should deal with my reality issues and try harder to not be affected.
Consciously, I know I am in the wrong.....I shouldn't seek to covet, but in my defense I raise the matter of his inability to stick to his own decisions in this matter. He makes it too easy for me to:
i) get under his skin
ii) doubt his intentions
iii) place those doubts at the back of my mind while I relish the moments when he breaks under the pressure of my vulgar utterances
When there is distance between us, it is easy for us both to hold back.....eventually in my case, almost immediately it seems in his. I have no misconceptions......I know he is married, and from the looks of things, he loves her...a lot, just my luck to find the one married man that does not lie about his wedded bliss...(annoying really)....... I know too that he is out of my league, I know I may be reading everything wrongly, but I also know that he has a way with me.....a way which opens my mind to fairy tales and the happily ever after they promote. I know I should do everything in my power to stop...but I don' t want to....I don't want to keep this issue at arms length....I want to conquer.
I have realised though that engaging in other distractions does not solve the problem....it dulls the pain somewhat, but I should deal with my reality issues and try harder to not be affected.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Love Display
I must admit to having neglected my Boogie somewhat in the past few weeks......I have not been living up to my spousal responsibility due to a little travelling that I had to do......so last night when he woke me up and asked if he could make love to me, I realised that he was out of patience and needed a little more than the now customary (within the last month) one time only fuck sessions we've been engaging in.......I agreed whole heartedly.
He made me burn with desire......he kissed every inch of me...he tugged and sucked me until my entire body was bruised....sweet.......an hour and a half later, when I was threatened by dehydration from the loss of fluids I tried to rush the flow so that I could get the real object of my desire.....I straddled him and he allowed me to, but only briefly......within minutes I was back on my back and he broke out the restraints.....son of a bitch......(there is a feeling of helplessness that I get when we dabble with bondage, I like to be in control, needless to say I don't do this part well).
Eventually I relaxed and allowed myself to enjoy the feeling as he whispered sweet nothings and reassured me that I didn't have to do anything, just feel him make love to me..... and that this session was to pay me back for being his woman....damn.....how could I argue with that.....God I love him.
He made me burn with desire......he kissed every inch of me...he tugged and sucked me until my entire body was bruised....sweet.......an hour and a half later, when I was threatened by dehydration from the loss of fluids I tried to rush the flow so that I could get the real object of my desire.....I straddled him and he allowed me to, but only briefly......within minutes I was back on my back and he broke out the restraints.....son of a bitch......(there is a feeling of helplessness that I get when we dabble with bondage, I like to be in control, needless to say I don't do this part well).
Eventually I relaxed and allowed myself to enjoy the feeling as he whispered sweet nothings and reassured me that I didn't have to do anything, just feel him make love to me..... and that this session was to pay me back for being his woman....damn.....how could I argue with that.....God I love him.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Again
I feel a little silly posting this since I eventually lost this battle as well but it will stand as a reminder of my weakness and will inform my further work to overcome.
In essence, there was a weekend Retreat, the purpose of which was to plan activities for the next 3 years. Of course, ultimately some targets would be left unfulfilled, but we could rest at ease to know that we had "planned".
As I sat across from what I now refer to as my Nemesis, the following thoughts entered my mind when I became engulfed.
December 1, 2007
Tomorrow I will be glad for this opportunity to share space, thoughts, formulate machinations for bodies entwined, a wink or two and a smile.
Tomorrow, I will acknowledge the rightness of an arms length approach to committing this sin, and be grateful for the practice of restraint and resilience.
Tomorrow, there will be a better me, who feels less and expects nothing. Yes, I will be better tomorrow having experienced the now.
Today, however, I rue the very concept of the insufficiency of his motivation to fan the flame.
In essence, there was a weekend Retreat, the purpose of which was to plan activities for the next 3 years. Of course, ultimately some targets would be left unfulfilled, but we could rest at ease to know that we had "planned".
As I sat across from what I now refer to as my Nemesis, the following thoughts entered my mind when I became engulfed.
December 1, 2007
Tomorrow I will be glad for this opportunity to share space, thoughts, formulate machinations for bodies entwined, a wink or two and a smile.
Tomorrow, I will acknowledge the rightness of an arms length approach to committing this sin, and be grateful for the practice of restraint and resilience.
Tomorrow, there will be a better me, who feels less and expects nothing. Yes, I will be better tomorrow having experienced the now.
Today, however, I rue the very concept of the insufficiency of his motivation to fan the flame.
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