Happy New Year

Its 5:26 pm on New Years Eve, and I am at work....just an indication of how shitty this year has been.

I started this morning with a post of another sort than what came out....I wanted to say that I had made contact on Saturday.......I solicited his help again with ending this thing.......I know other women would have taken his silence as a good indicator that it was over, but I am too complex for that. I believe that this is one of those pregnant pauses that he does until a face to face meeting takes place. Then its back to square one for me....I whisper unruly nothings and he bends his rules under the pressure.

I explained some of my foolishness and identified I think, the main issue......I couldn't convince myself to let go because I couldn't understand why he was so immune to me. So I asked him to say "Fuck Off", and I told him that he could use the same words, it didn't matter. I expressed a preference not to do this in 2008....optimistic I know, but it was what I was feeling at the time. I felt that I needed to let him know that my message was not intended to be construed as impatience or a ploy, but that it was my truth with a little immaturity mixed in. On reflection I know I should have told him that I simply was too immature to play this very grown up game but I tried to salvage some element of pride. I told him I simply just didn't get this or him and was spent.

He hasn't responded........not even to tell me again that I am overstating the case........now I am angry and sad. Angry that I didn't fight hard enough to not make the contact, and sad that I wanted him so much to risk this outcome. I knew this was a possibility, I guess I was just hoping that it would not have been the option chosen. I believe that I am intoxicated with the pain and punishment, a masochist. I need therapy. It seems I have gotten everything wrong, everything....now I must plan my next year, the Lord permitting, to not share the same space at least for 3 months, and hope that my strength is renewed everyday so that I feel less.

Thoughts 5

Only a few hours left before the door to this bitch of a year closes. I must admit to feeling a little on edge because I know not what the future holds and I would so hate to carry over this bitterness into the New Year.

In true obsessed woman fashion I sent one last foolish message....a plea really....but I figure that I have done far worse throughout the year so another strike would mean nothing. I bowed to the need to make contact...turns out he is off the island.

Its funny, when I left the other day and he found out through a colleague, he did not pretend to be unaware when we saw each other eventually.......he remarked that I clearly didn't think him worthy of knowing that I would be away........on that note I piped up that it was a quickly planned and executed family thing. He joked about having delusions of grandeur that he could be considered like family and therefore be privy to my movements.......I laughed and settled the matter quickly, indicating that we were certainly not family and we were to consider ourselves "fuckers" at best....though enough of that had not taken place to do justice to this designation. He fell silent at that, and I assumed we were cool.

I don't feel off put by the fact that he was off the island for the Xmas without my knowing....yeah it would have been nice to know, but its a time for family and I am assuming it was a family thing.......in my mind there are two worlds; him and wifey and the family; and him and me (sort of)...the point being that I harbour no intentions of the twain crossing, meeting or otherwise, and I hope he knows this. I am not that type, some women like to be pals with the man's spouse but I am not like that. She deserves respect, after all, "memba a play we a play".... and I give as much respect to his relationship with her as I can by not making unreasonable requests of him. I have always had to clarify this point with men and I will send you home sometimes. The one has absolutely nothing to do with the other and she should assume first priority at all times, and this is how it should be.

I don't know if he was playing me when he mentioned the delusion thing, but it has caused me to wonder about where his head is where we are concerned. Were I to take his revelation seriously, and a part of me does at times in La La Land, I would be perturbed by the fact that he would think that this is all there is to having a successful 'on the side' relationship. That he would consider how he has dealt with this thing as normal would reveal that our definitions of "relationship" differs....greatly.

We all have our quirks, to this I agree....cause for me, having sex a lot in a relationship means you are interested (too much testosterone, I think)......and I have worked out that this is not necessarily how other people conceptualize it. For me sex is that important pillar of any good relationship, so if I'm not getting sex, then I will have cause to wonder what the @#%&.

This wasn't exactly the post I started writing but I guess it has been occupying my mind....could he really think that this is how an "on the side" relationship should go????? In which world could "biannual bedding" be considered a normal functional relationship?????? I don't get it.

For me relationships on the side are supposed to be filled with passion so much that you take the foolish chances to dip your dick as many times inna a gal as she will allow. I have admitted that he is an atypical cheater, in that he is absolutely committed to his wife and family and he takes pains to demonstrate that to me, always on the phone with her etc. So maybe he is also atypical in what he wants from an on the side thing, which is not a problem provided you let a bitch know what you want.....that's all I need, clarity......not a juvenile demonstration (such as silence) of your ineptitude to deal with real issues. He is a big man, 11yrs my senior, I don't expect playground games unless it involves me calling him "Daddy", which is quite pleasing actually when appropriate. Could he really see nothing wrong with his actions to date, and if so why would he think that I would be cool with that???????? Communication in any relationship is paramount and its absence leads to posts like these....endless thoughts about what gives and generally unnecessary hurt and misconception.

Ramblings 8

I want to send a message telling him "Merry fucking Christmas and a Happy bumboclaat New Year"....I realise I am still angry so lets hope this vibe passes......afterall he would know that I am perturbed if I give in to this feeling........a part of me thinks he knows already but I will continue to live the lie. How about renewing my call for him to take the lead and end this? I guess I really just want to make contact.........it will pass.

I am alone at work today and I am enjoying the space....probably should get some work done and not be the typical government worker in the holidays....right?

Wishing

December 27, 2007 - Continued further

Seems I'm in quite a pickle......on the one hand there is me (what's left), and on the other there is them........I have things I need to say to both, but my balls are the size of gungo peas.

I wish I could tell one to go fuck himself........wait......can't use that cause it applies to both......Okay......I wish that one could know my true feelings.......shit....can't use that either..........

Lets change the approach.......I Wish That I Had Bigger Balls.

Thoughts 4

December 27, 2007 - Continued

So many thoughts in my head,
So much to process,
I fear that if I deal in my thoughts too much I may grow to love the world I would have created and choose to reside there for a spell....so I continue to have haphazard indulgence, just enough to ease the pain.

I do wish for unencumbered time to think though.....to admit to my feelings and uncover the magic of willpower, which I know resides in me........... somewhere.
I wish for time to be turned back.....this is the easy solve and it would be sooo cool if this were possible. Seriously though, I wish for a quick fix.

I coached a Friend into accepting the fact that she had been in love with this guy for the past 10 yrs. She thought she was just having fun initially and had let it all go when she left to do her Doctorate....every visit though would result in heartache.

I told her she needed to acknowledge her love fi di yout first and foremost, and that he was married now and therefore was unavailable and she needed to let him go....... I told her this would clear a path for the real healing to take place.

I chastised myself for the blatant lie, but it was a necessary lie.......She says she did as I said and was cured. She tested the strength of her healing when she bucked him up at a party.......she said she exchanged pleasantries and bid him and wifey goodnight....it was a good moment she says. Personally I couldn't believe that this girl who five months ago couldn't bear the thought of not thinking about him, had banished his memory to the back of her mind?....no way....in two weeks......no way.......she is a strong one though....men complain about her not calling enough so she has no difficulty locking up shop.

I remember thinking, why couldn't I be so lucky?....I wish for lady luck to smile upon me similarly..........................................I just want to go to bed and wake up in a day that I waste no time in thoughts of him.......That's all I want, I figure everything after that will be simple.

The Strength of a Woman

I was at home yesterday....its amazing, the one day that I needed to be surrounded by friends and family, I could find not a one...so I wrote, and wrote and wrote.

December 27, 2007

He thinks I am childish.....so does my Boogie. I tell Boogie that I will not accept this description until he can show me the child that can have him mumbling bullshit under her pussy, moaning and groaning for just a chance to slip in a finger....until that day I will still consider myself to be a woman.

Though I can't fully own up to the designation I guess I can see their point......I was pissed on Xmas day because none of the two said "Merry Christmas".......I like Christmas and I never get tired of the little details that make it special......so at 11:00 p.m. on the day I finally asked Boogie if he was vexed with me or something.....when he asked why I would think that, I confessed to being perturbed by the fact that he had not said "Merry Christmas"......yes I got the hug and kiss and we exchanged gifts but "good morning" is no substitute. He smiled and kissed my forehead, cheeks and nose and lips while saying Merry Christmas....I felt better. If this makes me childish, then so be it.

I digressed.....it seems to me that they may be right on other scores as well, cause a woman, a real woman would have been over this hurdle already.
A real woman would not have been one-upped by this man.
A real woman would have known better and would have been unaffected by the nothingness.
A real woman would have had him eating out of the palms of her hands.
A real woman wouldn't have fallen, and if she did she would have gotten up and dusted the memories from her mind and gotten back in the game.
A real woman wouldn't sit day after day writing her heart out.
A real woman at least 9 months ago, would have washed her hands on the issue and sought to beat another into submission
A real woman would have taken advantage of the other two distractions and said fuck it.

So they are right, I am childish, my only spark of hope is that children, eventually and inevitably, grow up.

Truth 2

I feel like I am 16yrs old....I actually thought he would call, send a message.....something, anything today of all days........Not even a Merry Christmas. I have always taken these things too seriously......I've never been disappointed like this before......I even have guys I stopped fucking years ago, calling to wish me Merry Xmas, I don't get it......unless he really just doesn't want to have anything to do with me????.........Wow......so there will be no possibility for friendship when I am beyond the heartache part????.......How would that work....work wise I mean????(I am not accustomed to smiling with people I don't like)........WOW

I must say that I have always laughed at my female friends who tell me that they can feel through sex whether a man will hang around........I usually tell them that this is what happens when one is not accustomed to passionate sex......but I think I get it now....I am constrained to admit that I thought I felt a little more than the "just for sex" thing.....turns out I was wrong.

Ah Well......I will use this opportunity to say Merry Christmas to him nonetheless.........and to say that the game could have only been better if I were not the victim....Touche....Touche....... my white flag is flying high....I bow down to the superior being you are........I will rest now.

True Confessions

Have you ever seen that movie...."Love Actually"....its good.....I thought I would borrow a line from it today....

Because its Chrismus........and the dictates of the season are honesty, truth and openness......I will confess that:

-He is my Kryptonite ( Xmas is finished so my xmas confession has to be buried again......afterall, I'm not in love, its just a phase i am going through ;)
- I know he does not feel the same way
- I don't care
- I know my feelings are wrong...but I still want us to be the only other people in each other's lives
- Unfortunately this will not pass like the seasons
- Time does not heal all wounds
- I don't want to be the weak one in 2008....I don't want this to continue into 2008
- The Yule Tide season is not too merry but I am giving an Oscar worthy performance
- It really hurts
- I am not tough enough
- I have no hold over him
- I should do the right thing and run away from this existing danger

Shhhhhhhhh

Sometimes, if I am really quiet I can hear myself think too much about my conundrum.....it is disquieting

How can I continue to feel when it is clear from his actions that I hold no interest, not even as a useful distraction

Investing more time in thoughts of him is futile.......my attempts at resolution of his matter have been weak, I feel too much....I should feel less as time passes......but I don't

That his treatment of me is not a deterrent is puzzling....I am out of my depth......I want him.

ISSUES

I have ISSUES......I am a BAD PERSON.......I am CRUEL, to everyone who encounters me, even myself.......I am UNHAPPY with my life as it is now.......I have always wondered whether I could ever really be FAITHFUL........I am good at fucking things up....fucking people up and I don't know why I do what I do.....sometimes I just feel so trapped......I know that this is why I am terrified of marriage, that band of gold represents a cage..........I do so well sometimes, my eyes never stray in the times when I am being good...even in the face of much provocation......somehow though, when I start being bad, I could write a book.

Usually I can confess to Boogie about my dalliances......conscience is a bitch.....now however I don't even know who he is and how he will react if he discovers this me.......I love him too much to use him to get over this distraction, so I have to find another and it kills me inside to do what I am doing.....especially when I think about the effect on him if he finds out...everything. I regret that I have been this affected by the idea of this man.........I want to have them both, but I know that will not be possible.......With a looming new year I wish, no....I hope, no......I bare my heart and soul to the Lord to have him end this......it is simply too much.

Relationships

Have you ever noticed that when you are caught up in.......something, you seem to get amnesia. For me, I can't seem to remember if I used to sleep throughout the night prior to this madness. Don't get me wrong insomnia and I have been great friends since high schoool cause I worry...a lot....this is different though, I can't seem to remember a time when he wasn't the last thing in my mind before going to bed and the second thing when I awaken.

I use my sleepless nights sometimes to wake up others and see how much work I can get done, or to actually do work-work.....sometimes though I find myself lost in thoughts of him related issues. During this period I am rational, I am calm and I leave the process with a resolve to bury my foolishness.......then I undo all this work between the rising of the sun and the dusk......and so the cycle goes.

I escaped to the Country this weekend....funeral related......but I used the opportunity to reconnect with some University buddies. In one case I connected too much.....and I hope we will be able to overcome this lapse...he is a good bredren, one who unfortunately I have transformed into a friend.

I have never believed in the "man and woman" friendship situation. Females and males were meant to do one thing when closeness sets in, so you have males you have not fucked yet but you enjoy stringing along....you have males who are just too sweet so you decide not to mess with them as a courtesy, but you know that they would die for the opportunity to be with you in that way,.....then there are the guys who, yuh know if yuh lef yuhself careless him will be on top a yuh (these are the ones I like, have to keep your options open).....in the great analysis therefore there are three types of man-woman friendships (always remember too, that friends fuck friends).....friendship born out of having been lovers, friendship cause you haven't quite worked out how to fuck yet and "bredrendom".

In bredrendom you know you could progress to sex, but you value the friendship too much.....he knows all you lovers, he knows about your escapades, you introduce him as your bredren, he knows a deeper part of the inner you....the bitchy part....and he doesn't judge you......you actually try to change the relationship sometimes, but usually when you weigh it out you both stop before you ruin things.....you don't talk often, but when you do, its for hours.....you make plans to visit each other, but they never come to fruition, cause.....

So now, my bredren is a friend....hopefully I won't repeat it......he knows that I was using him, he was there for me in the way I needed him to be.....the only way which could give me some sanity. I will not discuss how it was cause I respect him too much, I just wanted to "big up" all the bredrens out there and say thanks.

Fuming 2

It was a rough day today.......people in general pissing me off........ but one in particular, and I feel so badly because he is so young, but if you are intent on being a " social/professional climber" without putting in the work, then I will get pissed when I am asked to clean up your mess.
This youngster (and I only call him that because others seem to think that his age has something to do with his blind ambition and calculating nature...I know better), he is a son of a bitch and will end up in prison unless he decides to take the time to learn. I have a little brother and that is the only thing which stood between me and him today....I wanted to tie him to a tree and give him a "Kunta Kente" bus' ass.

I managed, just barley, to control my temper sufficient to tell him to leave me the @#%$ alone...trying to put on puppy dog eyes to calm the beast I was...like I gave a fuck about that...puppies get fucked up in this life too you know.

Burning

I am still fighting the need to fuck him up.......I sent a "Hail up" message last night...just because.....and I guess I really never expected a response, but I am woman....and as such I reserve the right to change my damn mind.....he is pissing me off again.

Imagine, I put my jealousy aside, recognising that I have no hold over this man and cannot therefore ask for limitations to be put on the number of persons he uses to amuse himself....after all, we are not in a relationship.....so I tried to establish contact......it was raining and who can withstand the power of that? But he has chosen to show me how much of a 'Big Man' he is by not responding.

He told me the other day that I was "feisty"...... I was a little pissed but I guess I can't argue too much with that description....my tongue being the way it is...now I wish I could step out of my tattered shroud of professionalism and prove this by being the bitch I am, and tell him to go fuck himself...knowing of course that he could rebut with an indication of the many people he has who are willing to do the job....(hissing/sucking teeth).....Fuck it.

Happenings

Its Christmas time and Santa has brought me work so much that I am stuck in my Office at this ungodly hour (6pm) and it seems I will be here for a while.......is this the real meaning of Christmas?

I am not happy, but I am not overly sad at this development......its good to have the space to breathe. If only I could enjoy a similar space in my mind.

My anger is back...people seem intent on pissing me off today. To make things worse, I checked "HisSpace" and found he has a friend that he seems quite taken with. He has never made me feel secure so I am reacting the only way I know how. I have never been able to control my jealousy, I know its silly, but I simply cannot stand the thought of sharing, in general, and sharing him further..........I will have to be strident in my retaliation........I want to call and demonstrate my dexterity with with profanity......I am burning to fuck him up.......I feel stupid for even reacting in this way and worse to be thinking to let him know that I am this affected........Damn. My jawline is doing its usual dance and I am ready to strike............God I want to be a big girl about this.

Revelations 2

I am writing again.....Damn, this is not a good sign. With every thought I capture in sentence my resolve is depleted.....Damn.

I am too young in mind, too immature, too foolish. Oh how I wish I had just fucked him that first night, then I would be in control and this would have ended a long time ago. Then he would have been someone I fucked one night, there would have been no time elapsed between us to fuel thoughts of other emotions which may be at play.

I have determined that I am a useful distraction....a place to get his cock wet when no one is looking...... I don't complain about the ill treatment.......I suck up the bones he throws me every now and again..... I stand idly by while he flirts with another......I don't resist enough. I am simply, a non-threatening useful distraction....and I'm getting angry again at that.

I know he is playing me, I just can't mount and sustain a reasonable defense.......I am foolish, I am weak and he knows this.

Distractions

I travelled over land and sea to escape this me. I shed my usual armour and got down in the ATL for a little while. I drank, smoked and fucked (I know you're wondering what I did differently at this point), I also danced my sorrows away.

Yep I was on my head top in a really cheesy West Indian club but I decided to make the best of it amidst men who didn't think twice about letting me know how "pretty" my teeth were, old men trapped in a time gone by, hoping and praying that some young or youngish thing would give them the time of day once they slid in offering drinks, funny, funny funny...looking like a shoddy version of Mr. Bigs....too funny. I was unconcerned I refused nicely and continued to dance with myself, grabbing my crotch when Beenie's "Dude" came on, and Beres and Sanchez.....the curious thing is that I had only had one drink in the 2 hrs.

I was foot loose and fancy free, I was a woman possessed with releasing the months of unrequited affection....I went home with girlfriends and family members with total agreement to keep my behaviour under wraps, employing the old adage "what happens in the club, stays in the club".

When I went to bed, I was frustrated, so I made a call....a booty call. I had set things in motion prior to my arrival, he wanted me and I relented finally. I decided not to air my reservations in this blog because I was mindful of the result the last time I did that.....I didn't want doubt to creep in.....I accepted that the power to do rests with me so I did.

He was affectionate, kissing and tugging (maybe just a little too much), he dick was nice, big, thick......a body builder, I always wanted to try one of those, a bit clumsy when it comes to kissing, but with the right training, he could be better........ it was sex, nothing more, nothing less. Now I am haunted by him. Its amazing, I thought I wanted the power which flows from knowing "yuh have a man weak" to erase my failure in my other endeavour.....its not as fulfilling as I thought it would be. Really, its an annoyance, and I hate to be overly rude, cause the world is round, but I know I have to draw the line before he provokes me to wrath....usually my mouth fails me when I let things fester, I say what comes to my mind ( usually in my native tongue and punctuated with profanity) and thinking about it comes waaay down the line. I would prefer that this doesn't happen.

I guess the concept of using this man to get over the other distraction will not bear the fruit I want......I feel I would be better served if it was another offending party that was enamoured, that was open with his emotions....that's what will make me feel powerful. For now then, I will work on finding the right words to convey the stop message while ensuring that the door doesn't close entirely.....you never know in this life.......

Thoughts 3

I wrote this the other day.....technological challenges prohibited my posting it.

December 6, 2007

Its my Moms birthday...I am not doing so well (Sigh)

So much could have been shared, she would have been soooo proud of us all. She would have loved to see the family bond that she nurtured finally flowing within the parts of the whole that is us....a family.

It hurts

I still try to remember that the Lord does everything for a reason, there is a purpose for this loss...my mind and eyes just have difficulty connecting with that notion sometimes. It did buoy me through in the early days after her passing though.....it kept me lucid, and I am trying damn hard right now to eek out a similar result.


I have buried myself in work, deep within the recesses of my office.....cause tears are flowing. My colleagues understand that I am sometimes moody and usually leave me alone to work through my issues, but thanks to the gentleman who shares our space I was able to get a hug and squeeze. He came in to ask how I was doing....he knows the history and we share a bond born out of shared experience with losing a mother to cancer. He told me that he was available for hugs, if required, throughout the day.....he is cool.

I thought enough time had passed for me to deal from a better place in this time......I was wrong.

Clear and Present Danger

Its always bad when I don't get my way.....when I am not in control. It becomes a challenge to conquer rather than a fleeting affair. I wish to conquer, I wish to break the unbreakable....to what end though? I have not gotten that far in my thoughts as yet.

Consciously, I know I am in the wrong.....I shouldn't seek to covet, but in my defense I raise the matter of his inability to stick to his own decisions in this matter. He makes it too easy for me to:

i) get under his skin
ii) doubt his intentions
iii) place those doubts at the back of my mind while I relish the moments when he breaks under the pressure of my vulgar utterances

When there is distance between us, it is easy for us both to hold back.....eventually in my case, almost immediately it seems in his. I have no misconceptions......I know he is married, and from the looks of things, he loves her...a lot, just my luck to find the one married man that does not lie about his wedded bliss...(annoying really)....... I know too that he is out of my league, I know I may be reading everything wrongly, but I also know that he has a way with me.....a way which opens my mind to fairy tales and the happily ever after they promote. I know I should do everything in my power to stop...but I don' t want to....I don't want to keep this issue at arms length....I want to conquer.

I have realised though that engaging in other distractions does not solve the problem....it dulls the pain somewhat, but I should deal with my reality issues and try harder to not be affected.

Love Display

I must admit to having neglected my Boogie somewhat in the past few weeks......I have not been living up to my spousal responsibility due to a little travelling that I had to do......so last night when he woke me up and asked if he could make love to me, I realised that he was out of patience and needed a little more than the now customary (within the last month) one time only fuck sessions we've been engaging in.......I agreed whole heartedly.

He made me burn with desire......he kissed every inch of me...he tugged and sucked me until my entire body was bruised....sweet.......an hour and a half later, when I was threatened by dehydration from the loss of fluids I tried to rush the flow so that I could get the real object of my desire.....I straddled him and he allowed me to, but only briefly......within minutes I was back on my back and he broke out the restraints.....son of a bitch......(there is a feeling of helplessness that I get when we dabble with bondage, I like to be in control, needless to say I don't do this part well).

Eventually I relaxed and allowed myself to enjoy the feeling as he whispered sweet nothings and reassured me that I didn't have to do anything, just feel him make love to me..... and that this session was to pay me back for being his woman....damn.....how could I argue with that.....God I love him.

Again

I feel a little silly posting this since I eventually lost this battle as well but it will stand as a reminder of my weakness and will inform my further work to overcome.

In essence, there was a weekend Retreat, the purpose of which was to plan activities for the next 3 years. Of course, ultimately some targets would be left unfulfilled, but we could rest at ease to know that we had "planned".

As I sat across from what I now refer to as my Nemesis, the following thoughts entered my mind when I became engulfed.

December 1, 2007

Tomorrow I will be glad for this opportunity to share space, thoughts, formulate machinations for bodies entwined, a wink or two and a smile.

Tomorrow, I will acknowledge the rightness of an arms length approach to committing this sin, and be grateful for the practice of restraint and resilience.

Tomorrow, there will be a better me, who feels less and expects nothing. Yes, I will be better tomorrow having experienced the now.

Today, however, I rue the very concept of the insufficiency of his motivation to fan the flame.

Whispers from Within

If time were a friend to me I would not have to withdraw from self to uncover truth. I am in between the reason and the distraction.

One has me from the hair on my head to my sometimes crusty feet, he has all of me. The other prefers to pretend he is immovable, unaffected by me....that I am the only one obsessed. He purports himself to be the pinnacle of male resilience....But I now know better.

I am in the middle, surrounded by unsavory options.

I am but a pawn in my own existence, a puppet to the pleadings of misunderstood affection, will and virtue....

I am untouchable, unable, unworthy of my hold over either

If time were on my side, I would be unaffected by my lack of concern.

I and I Reasonings

A blogging buddy had asked whether I was sure that I really wanted this man, or was it that my ego was bruised from the fact that I had encountered a man who was immune to me and therefore needed to prove myself. At the time I was in "Angry La La land" so coherent thought was not possible so I responded as truthfully as I could on the issues of ego, love and revenge.

I thought then that there were times when I felt I was in love with him but there were times when I knew I wasn't, I knew my ego was hurt and I did feel the need to redeem myself but I had hoped that it was not only about conquering Mohammed's mountain. Sadly however, while I still have strong feelings that sometimes totally engulf me when it comes to him, I am almost resigned to believe that having sampled the offering in a fulsome manner he holds little interest for me.......would I do it again? Yes.....but there is no burning need, as had been present before, to seize the being and ravage his person.....in essence then, I can wait.

I see no reason to lie to myself so for now I will continue to believe that I have finally learnt the patience lesson....and that this is the only thing operating at this time....he finally broke me....right????

Men Suck

Here I am committed to doing the right thing, observing all my responsibilities to my better other, as I had thought, and he does some shit to make you wonder why you were being nice in the first place. He should be glad I am fresh out of willing partners, and of course, that I have seen the errors of my ways and hope to walk the straight and narrow for the rest of the year (taking baby steps toward salvation).

If I weren't a red blooded J'can woman and could understand the pleasure women get from each other without penile penetration (strapons, like other toys are devoid of life and therefore not very enjoyable for me) I could see myself committing this sin just to be rid of the complexity that is man.

Ode To My Sunshine

Monday marked the 7th year since the death of my mother. I was sad....truth be told, I was sad from Thursday...actually bawling my eyes out. It always gets me....I guess you always regret not having been given the opportunity to grow older with your mom and her to watch you transform into you.

The day passed though with minimal time for much reflection...usually I go over to her grave with flowers and rest there for a bit, trying to be as close as possible to her, but this time I was soooo busy that it wasn't until 8:00 p.m. that I got a moment to reflect on her and her love and thank God for the time I did get with her....she was cool.....Tough as nails, but cool nonetheless......I sometimes wish that I had gotten her personality....she could light up a room.

Anyway, I was saddened by my lack of focused attention/remembrance. I was thrown back to that faithful Sunday morning when I was told that she had passed...nothing prepares you for such news......it hits you hard and you fall, you break, you crumble. I was 25 when it happened and I had to be strong for my younger brother who was only 16. It was tough though, and as I remember the funeral service, having taken the trek to Florida to bring her home...choosing a casket, sorting out her things so that my mother could rest finally in the land of her birth, where my 16 year old brother bundled me up in his arms and hushed me like a child as I wept, I thought about how soon they grow up. It was comforting.

The light on the day was my brother's return to the island for a brief business trip. I battled with the two emotions, being happy to see my brother and being sad about our loss, and a friend of mine put things into perspective for me....she said that God knew it would have been tough on the day so he gave me many distractions to protect me from wallowing in utter depression. "I think too much" she says, and she knows that at times I see the passing of my mother as the turning point in my life, as I had a 16 year old who I had been charged with shaping since he was 8, to put through school and teach to be a man. I have other siblings, don't get me wrong, but they are mostly scattered across North America, and my father had unfortunately degenerated into the typical Jamaican Dad....there when he wanted to be. It was tough, but I felt I could do no less for him than that which his mother would have done, and I am happy to see the way it all worked out. .

So my task was to shape a boy into a man. As I looked at him yesterday, heading off to a reception for the shortlisted applicants for the Rhodes Scholarship, I thought to myself that I did well. My friends had always told me that I raised a good man, but I never was able to see him outside of the nomenclature , "my little brother"....but he is indeed quite a man and I told him as much. I am proud of him and I can only hope he continues to develop and grow from strength to strength.

Rules of Engagement

Local Rules SUCK.....but I am gonna be a big girl about it.

Addicted

I understand now what addicts go through in their search for release from their substance abuse captivity.....I would love to have one draw, one line , one sniff, one snort, one iota of contact with him right now....but I can't, no....I won't. God I want him though.

Patience

I wish I could send this to him....but I don't want to be pitied, so again my heart is being poured out to blogging buddies and strangers.

Patience means there is no fire and you have all my
Apologies for being the way I am in this matter, but be rest assured that
Time will be taken to give you the separation you require. The knowledge of your
Insufficient interest really is a good thing....it focuses a body and every
Effort will be made to maintain my distance at all times, cause
No one should have to endure so many Regrets without the desired outcome, and
Consuming though you and this thing are to me, I will let it Flow and let it Go accepting that
Everything ends inevitably and life is too short to be patient in love and lust

Rambling Oppression

I have been absolutely horrible in this matter, I've determined. I've been a loose canon in pursuit of nothingness. I fell too easily and seemingly abandoned myself in the context of forbidden fruit.

The other day I asked what were the wages of sin? I now know.....guilt, eternal damnation, self inflicted purgatory where your mind rambles on, interpreting and misinterpreting issues, actions and words.....where you lay awake at night suspicious of the man beside you, hoping you don't fall asleep so that he can creep off to take that risk to make contact, wishing you had done things differently, wishing your affair had yielded the same commitment to fooling around, knowing that if he persists you won't be as accommodating because the guilt of your own error deeds will fall away and you will have to deal.....but he doesn't know the danger that this will pose......he doesn't know that you feel like you should fuck the world in a bid to erase your failure....he doesn't know that you are almost at the tipping point....there is so much that he doesn't know, but you can't say.

Yet even with the above happening on the ground, your mind strays to the possibility of love with an attached other. A girlfriend of mine asked how I fared at the Conference with him. A routine question, but as I gave sketchy details she questioned the prudence of cuddling with him.....I couldn't offer a reasonable defense....I knew it was wrong to do, everything in me knew it, but I did and now I am in much deeper. I don't want this.

When I think back at my actions, I feel compelled to apologise, blame it on the rain maybe.....I am sooo sorry for sooo much. I want this to end......but he is in me, and I am not patient enough to allow things to flow....to allow the challenge he is to flow out of me......but it needs to happen because I am standing on the edge and I fear that to pursue further will result in plunging me into a double life abyss.

A life which I unfortunately am all too familiar with, having lived this life for the better part of five years of my existence.......although this wouldn't be anything like that.....with that I was young so I fell, hard, and he was much older so he fell too, hard.....it was a whirlwind romance until the reality of the situation kicked in....then it was guilt riddled and vexing, but soooo sweet too were the moments of absolute togetherness......you know, when both partners were off the island or something like that, where you actually could spend time feeling each other, knowing each other....not having to watch the clock, not having to rush to shower to remove that wonderful smell of sex, being able to wake up in the morning and rub your eyes in his chest knowing that you could just rest there in that nook for the rest of the day, knowing that he could warm your bed two consecutive nights without fear......... calling at 1, 2 or 3 in the morning because you can't sleep.....closing your eyes and listening to his voice resonate through your being....relaxing in him.

But this is nothing like that so why fight for it? Why be patient, because even this quasi happy state of being would be excluded from the deal.....why should I fight for 3 monthly or 6 monthly meetings, why fight for what is not present, what would make it worthwhile?

Ramblings - Stupidity

I still want him....but its bearable for now, and anyway I am unwell...think I may have to leave work soon.....I am not in a good place.

I had some time to think, and I realised that I should be thanking him for how he has chosen to deal with this thing. I have determined that he is fully aware of how caught up I am and is seeking to protect me from my damn self and maybe I should tip my hat to him for not allowing me to destroy my relationship, my reality, in pursuit of this fantasy.

When I think back on the him I knew prior to now I realise that he is waaaay out of my league.....I am a simple girl, I have simple likes, simple dislikes, simple feelings....the world is black and white for me...but he is......much bigger. As I thought about the presentation he gave at the Conference, the only representative from the sand and sea side of the world who was asked to speak at that level, the respect they gave him; the potential to use him as the voice of an entire block of peoples....its a lot....he is much bigger than I could ever dream to be or put aside my laziness to accomplish....can I blame him for seemingly seeking to trade up to my boss....she is much bigger too. I will take what I was able to get from him and I will accept the inevitable end.

I think he wants her.....I was target practice for the real game. In my black and white world I can't help but feel like I am running way down the order on his list of extra marital affairs and I have never liked second place....you simply don't act this way if you want something....you grab it at every opportunity, you hold it close, you protect it, you don't flirt with other people in the presence of her, you don't, not call....I have made it too easy for him to dismiss me.

I am not angry....a little hurt maybe, but definitely not raging bull angry as I usually get.....I am and have been a silly girl...to think I could actually hold on to him, I can't even hold a conversation with him.

Perspectives

I got to bed at 3:30 this morning......It was difficult to sleep amidst the running video of our session stuck on repeat in my mind.....and I thought about how different our perspectives can be as people.

For me It was good, it was a beginning, he wanted me enough to spend the night, he was comfortable with me, he made me laugh, he allowed himself to feel good in my arms....he tried to speak to me as much as he could while we waited to board the plane, he kept annoying me by breaking my stride of not acknowledging him when we had made it back to the Rock....we had light dialogue as we waited to be deemed returned to the island by our wonderful men and women of the immigration department.....It was good.

I cant help thinking though that his perspective must be different. We have not spoken since the airport.....I hate to be the bitch who thinks that one night of fucking means that things have changed, and I know that what he is doing is probably the most logical and safest thing, but........I wish he would call to say hey...that's all...just a simple hey.

I don't want to be the always angry lady anymore, its weak, so I will try to deal as best I can on my own.

Guiltiness......Resting On My Conscience

I am dealing with a lot of guilt....that's why I don't mess with married men...its hard...too hard to deal. As if I needed something else to complicate this confused and rambling existence.

I got what I wanted......I laid him down, I bumped and ground to the point of exhaustion, but still I was not satisfied. What are the wages of sin?.......

After our session, I found myself awake in the night cuddling and watching this man sleep.......I have never liked a sleeping man, seems he should be doing something more constructive, like me......anyway he did admit to feeling ill.

As I drifted off to sleep, his phone rang, I assumed it was wifey or a more established other. I was perturbed......did I mention that I am as jealous as they come?..... Well I am, but I held my tongue.

In the morning, as I shuffled and shivered from a night too cold....I found excuses when he asked why I didn't like to be held when I slept. I remember thinking that he was too keen, but I felt him chase me down on the bed throughout the night. The real cause being my inability to compartmentalize, jealousy and sexual frustration as well as an overburdened conscience.....I needed to repent......It was too much.

Usually I am pretty good with forgetting a face, a name, a dick, at least for a bit.....this time though I was having difficulty...he knew me so much he asked if he could stay for a bit......I am accustomed to looking at the clock and in essence encouraging men to leave my bed, especially if the job was not done well......but I laughed and told him he could stay as long as he liked. I was torn though, as I thought of Boogie laying at home.....hopefully alone......who in the day had expressed his deep wish for me to come home to warm his bed and kiss his forehead. As I kissed another and held him close, the betrayal of Boogie rambled in my mind.

Forgive me father for I have sinned. Its been too long that I have jaunted in this unholy meadow. So many people to be affected, so many axes to grind......I wish I could deal better cause now I feel like shit, and it must end.

I got what I wanted, I needed the time. He was too open with his seeming affection, which almost made me believe the concept of there being more....more to explore, more to hate, more to frig with, more to connect with. He was too much more for me. Did he hit the spot? Briefly, but not sufficient for an explosion. I will go with the flow and hope that he didn't feel all of me, and await the day when I feel him flowing out of my system, out of me...the day when I am rescued from this obsession.

I have decided to leave the memories behind, some 37 or 8 thousand miles across the sea. I will leave it all; the connection he was; the trepidation I feel. He was too much, not the fucking.....I was undone by the infernal cuddling.....it was too much to ask of a girl who, prior to now, had always ensured that moments like that were only shared with Boogie. I was undone by his statement of my unlocking all the love I have in me......I wanted to tell him that I had and it was all Boogie's and that now I will be left to think about my cheating ways and how to face my Boogie with this scar on the fabric of my conscience, on my soul....how would I face Boogie with the knowledge that he moved me, something I cannot define in him, moved me.

How it Happened

On Monday I made myself as pretty as I could with the weather drying out my skin , my hair, and many other parts.....it was colder than a mothereffer.



As I sat in the conference room hoping that it was sufficiently large to make me invisible I could only think of what I would say if or when he greeted me......I positioned myself so that he would not see me as he entered the room......wouldn't you know it, there was another door which would have him pass right by my row..damn. We did the usual nod and smile thing and I felt relieved.



I had hooked up a dear friend for lunch and couldn't wait to be picked up, all I had to do was survive the morning sessions and the coffee break. I wrote notes like nobodies business until we broke for coffee (or tea would be more apt). Sure enough, he had to pass by to say a more fulsome Hi.

With a kiss on my hand he asked where I was staying....I told him I had no intention of finding out whether "he danced as well abroad as he did a yard". I told him I had gotten in from Saturday and listened as he chastised me for not making contact from then. I couldn't give up the opportunity to underscore a few things so I told him I was unsure of which 'him' I would have met and thought better of embarrassing myself further in this matter. I also indicated that I was uncertain whether the news of my arrival would have been useful to him having regard to him having chosen to advise my boss, only, of his own departure.....seems the wrong Officer may have attended the conference. This drew laughter and my ire but I was too cold to offer a witty response. His posture was one of knowledge, you know...like when some knows that something is gonna happen, and refuses to clue you in. He asked about whether I would attend the dinner organised for us later that evening....of course, my answer was no. He whispered goodbye with mirth dripping from his mouth.....Damn, he knew I was weak.



As I wrapped up dinner and chat with some friends and had walked the last one out to catch her train, I decided to take a walk myself. Within minutes I was cold and lost....how come so soon you may be asking....my sense of direction is shit.....I applied what logic I had that was not totally frozen and questioned 3 strangers and was able to find the street that my Hotel was on. I went into my room and settled myself for a long night, the time differential always messes with my sleep....so I did some work I had taken along with me.



As I worked I thought about why I was denying myself the opportunity to share a bed with him, if only briefly.....I couldn't come up with a convincing argument not to so I researched his Hotel name and number and called just in time to catch him at the front desk, just coming in from the dinner......DAMN. We made the plans and an hour later I was awakened by a call from the lobby....I told him to come up.



My heart pounded with all the reasons I should not go through with it, and as I heard the doorbell ring I realised it may be too late to turn back. I tried to grab clothes from my suitcase so that my teddy top and panty clad body didn't convey over willingness. I gave up when the case hit my toe and all I wanted to do was scream......I let him in being careful to hide behind the door as I explained that I tried to make myself more presentable. The sight of him though, and the lurch between my legs told me that more clothes would have meant more stuff to take off and therefore delays to the inevitable. I was still cold though so I hopped, skipped and jumped into the bed to find that nook I had snuggled into as I waited on him to titivate. I thought about pouncing on him like a panther but I was aware of the sweet smell of body lotion and perfume that could have gotten rubbed off on his clothes and the possible problems he could have with wifey when she unpacked his things, so I relaxed under the covers and watched him undress, as I played R Kelly's "Wine for me" in my head.....he seemed overly comfortable around me.



He slid into bed with a warning that he was feeling quite unwell and were it not for me he would have opted to stay in. Again I fought back the fire and told him I was happy that he feared my wrath. I made up my mind though, well, almost, that I wouldn't bother him for sex, though I must admit that the sight of his hard on made it difficult to stay that course....that is such a turn on for me.

Anyway he started snuggling in on me and I started exploring the playground his body was with my fingertips and tongue......after a while, and noting that my underwear was wet from anticipation, I straddled him and asked whether he could manage a session. He agreed through clenched teeth as I nibbled at his nipples. He is good with his hands and when I protested at being teased for too long, and expressed a wish to be fucked right now, he slid on his condom and proceeded to make his dick find its way....sweet. The chemistry could have been better but it was good, he rode, I rode and rode, and rode and eventually he assisted me in making him cum....DAMN...if I can't make him cum on my own what use is this.



Sleeping with him was interesting...he cuddles too much...but he was sooo warm literally, that I snuggled up when I could and he did not disappoint with the stroking of my back and arm before he asked that I hug him from behind....I was out of sorts but I did it anyway cause, you know how men are when they are sick.....it back to the foetal position and the need for mummy's soothing attention.

Waiting to Exhale

I am back. It was good too...learnt a lot, on both a professional and personal level.

I got in on Saturday and I made my calls and planned my night...jet lag and the weather had a different plan though. I found myself inclined to revel in the one warm spot I had carved out under the comforter, duvey, sheet, with pillow surrounding me, while I prayed for the thermostat to be true to my setting of 32 degrees....it wasn't. Out of sheer exhaustion though, I slept. I rescheduled my revenge on the world for Sunday.....I won't lie, he was on my mind as I made the call.

I was to have met 2 other persons that day, so I felt safe that I wouldn't do anything foolish until it was time for my partner in sin to join me. As I stepped out in weather that should be classified as illegal, I realised that I had made a biiiig mistake with my packing.......I had been overcome with a feeling of being "girly" so I figured the weather couldn't be too unbearable for my open toed shoes, skirts and dresses, after all it was only October....I was wrong.

As I wrapped up my lunch Lyme, I got a message from my girlfriend cancelling our hook up....Damn. I went back to my crappy, cold room....complained again to the front desk about that and was getting pissed. I decided to make myself pretty for my affair, but he crept into my thoughts as I performed my rituals....Damn. As I opened the door to my other him, I had lost the vibe. He was always intuitive and immediately asked what was wrong...... we talked for a bit shared a glass of wine but eventually made plans for another day.......I think we both knew that that day would never come though....Damn, I can't even be bad anymore.

As I swigged beer from a can from the mini bar after I had kissed him goodbye, I thought about him......how close he may be, who I would be on Monday when I saw him, that he hadn't even called to see if I had made it, that I wanted him despite that.....that I wanted him to abandon himself in my arms...in me.......that I needed to learn to be more patient......that I needed a live blanket in this weather...that I wanted to feel him trail kisses from my lips, down to my neck, over my breasts, tugging and sucking until the warmth of his mouth sends an electric pulse through my spine to my core, warming me....that I needed to bask in the glory of his love making, that I wanted to be lost in him.

My imagination deserted me in protest at the overuse, and refused to spring to action sufficient for me to help myself to minimal relief. I wished he were nearer to being conquered but I knew I had to be patient and ramble no more.

Finally Flowing

I am in a better place now....all my efforts have not worked so I am thinking that for some reason the Lord wants me to go....I hope its not death....but his will be done if it is. I still don't have a visa but my friends in interestingly high Offices have worked some magic and it seems likely that my paperwork will be processed in time......what can I do after this demonstration of who is really in control in my life......I bow to him that has guided my path thus far and I know he will not leave my side.

I have nothing to fear, not even myself.

Damnit, Damn, Damn....it

Two more days to go before I go into the deep end.....DAMN.

My only silver lining is that I still have no visa.......a sliver of a chance remains.....YEAAAAAH.

A part of me actually wants to go for the experience and sharing of smart practices but.......I can't get the one without having to deal with the other. I would prefer not to show how petty and sdestructive I can be but I know I will keep my date with my Ex.....if only to satisfy my soul that I would have strayed outside of his grasp.

Who I Am

In response to a comment regarding my rambling mind and its homeliness or lack thereof, I thought I would make a statement of sorts on the issue of me.

I am really sweet...but too easily soured

I am soured by my emotions which run too close to the surface and a genuine belief that as adults there is no need for hesitation about feelings or the state of play.

I prefer frankness to the snivelling or conniving expressions of some with whom I share this earth....I like honesty, but I recognise that there is a need for lies at times.....I'm brave in most aspects of my life (I think you know in which I have great difficulty)....I am usually confident but sometimes am too fragile and given to indulging in destructive behaviour......I am loyal to a fault and, prior to this, was unconcerned with the usual trappings of femininity.

I hate hypocrisy at all levels......I believe that each man regardless of creed, colour or circumstance deserves respect and an opportunity to live freely, but I also believe that most men are inherently dubious and given to exploring their sexuality with many partners, so I believe in revenge rather than shedding tears.

I don't believe human beings can change, but I know all things are possible with the Lord by your side......and I believe that as humans and God's creations we owe it to him to be the best beings we can be......unfortunately I also believe that life is a war between your head & your heart, but that there are instances in this life which makes following one over the other a worthwhile undertaking.

That's me in a nutshell ( a very big nut..shell)....that's me today.

A Plea

I want to transcend this dramatic period in my life...it's not interesting and fun anymore..... (Sigh).

My Decision

Today was hard......I was weak again. Unfortunately I let anger and a few moments of good dialogue brought on by the inclement weather ruffle my feathers and spark a feeling of being desired. I was wrong to do it, I admit.....but when you are faced with the beginning of retribution for your actions and anger so great because of your inability to reasonably request a pause in his actions you tend to clutch at any straws which may be available.

After a good beginning of the weekend.....I was getting mine, left , right, centre and just about any other ways I could think of.........we came to a cross roads yesterday which unravelled Boogie's silence somewhat on the matter of my infidelity. I told him I was gonna go get my nails 'did'......he didn't believe, and to cut a long story short, I spent last night alone. When I awoke at 2:00 a.m to find that I was the sole occupant of my bed, I was upset......but I was foolish enough to wonder whether he had met upon some harm, so I called and had to kick myself for trying in the end because he did not answer.

At 6:00 a.m he turned up at my door to tell me his phone was down and he had had some difficulty last night, but was now on his way to watch cars race around in a circle in the country.......what the fuck......I was livid, so I fought as hard as I could before bowing to the need to fuck him up.

Fate however had a different plan......I sent a message indicating my new found freedom for the day and expressing a wish to share sometime with a willing partner.....I planned for this escapade to take place at my house....idiotic I know but my anger had clouded my judgement, he didn't respond. It was ambitious of me, but all I wanted was a quickie because I had plans for 1:00pm....but it was not to be......the father continues to protect me in this matter.

I couldn't help feeling disappointed......for more reasons than one... I like to give as good as I get...I like to take revenge swiftly. I think my doubts about having a clandestine English affair have melted, cause now I have to "kill two birds with one stone".

Remaining still is not an option.

Dealing in Thoughts

It took me an hour and a half to get home yesterday....I live 15 mins from my job....the rain has been soaking the earth for the past week and the traffic is ridiculous....I don't know why I am surprised, it only takes an overcast sky for there to be gridlock in this city.

In between general agitation caused by the crazy people who somehow have managed to convince the powers that be to give them drivers' licences, and thoughts of pulling over and grabbing a drink to let the traffic run off before proceeding, I spent some time in thought.

I thought about the fact that my paperwork had been approved and the issues that flows with it. I thought about the probability of actually getting everything in place within the next 5 days (a process which usually takes 2 wks).....I thought about the fact that I may still be saved by the insufficient time for preparation......I thought about the fact that this would not be a strike against my ability to plan because we did have a change in Gov't and no one could assume that these things would have been processed prior to that decision and also that same would have been approved or that I would still be working in the same job for that matter. Yep I think my bases are covered.....no one will know that I was running scared (I promise I will grow up soon).

I also thought about my plan of action should this impossible feat be accomplished in time and I really do have to go......and that made me pause. Conscience and weakness are bitches of a very mean order.....I will have to deal in the best way I know how, and that's what bothers me.

Rationale

My post yesterday was written with too much emotion it seems. Maybe it was not clear hence the comments received.

I wanted to clarify that I know that I am cheating on Boogie with this thing....that much I will admit. This conclusion however is only possible because I have gotten a little more caught up in this escapade than I would have normally, and thus I have committed emotional infidelity as well as the physical. If I had, as is customary, lead the process then I would have gotten enough of what I wanted and this probably would have ended several moons ago.

That said, Boogie is not the issue here.....we have mended the breach in the armour and we are in a good place...he no longer stifles me with his presence and I pretend not to be concerned with the opportunity he now has to prove "the world is a circle" theory.

My thoughts, in light of my difficulty with dealing with this "....", ........I don't even have a name for it anymore......is that I need to accept certain realities i.e. that there is no fire for me on his part, and I need to move on.

In pursuit of this desired outcome I have tried the 'wait it out, it will pass' thing, I have tried the 'be the strong black woman, I will survive' bit, I have tried the 'you'll get over it' thing, I have tried the 'be angry at the world' thing....(this wasn't too hard to get into by the way), I have requested and received good advice on the matter, all ending with, 'you will heal and be stronger for it'....I have tried the 'time will heal you' thing......none have worked. My commitments to moving on have fallen by the wayside each time....I am simply not strong enough I now admit. My only other hope is to channel my energy for him into another so that I stem the flow of stupidity....I have always said, the quickest way to get over a man is to take another....and right now that is the only option I have not explored.

Everything is upside down....I have no confidence in this area anymore, and I cannot function like that. Being able to play the game well is a big part of my life....I am tired of losing. I am trying with all my might to not use this trip as fertile ground for indulging myself in him so I have to put things in place to stop me from creating a situation where he feels he has me wrapped up (You and I know that he does for now, but I don't want it to continue) enough to constantly mess with me and my head. The only way to do that is to refocus myself and exploit another. The only problem is, as I made the call to link up my Ex, a question mark appeared in my mind.....I felt like I would be cheating on him....weird right?

Thus, recognising the desired outcome, I had to answer certain questions, hence yesterday's post.

My thoughts in this matter are:

1. If there is speculation about whether there is a relationship after all this time then there is none. If there is no certainty/clarity as to the expectations from both parties then you can't be cheating.
2. A distraction is a distraction, it means nothing but sometimes needs to happen to refocus you...it takes the edge off so that you can deal from a better place....a less emotional place. It will be the buffer in the time of search for or demonstration of patience. Therefore, it cannot be cheating.
3. Can you really cheat on the person you are cheating with? If he is the reason for you to seek 'extra-adultery' sex/companionship then in my mind the regular rules ought not to apply. The jury is still out on that one.
4. What you don't know won't hurt you, so if I am very discreet then it will be as if it never happened. He can go on thinking that I am a nice, though dirty mouthed, little girl and that it just didn't work between us because I got too caught up. Which isn't entirely untrue.
5. The thing about distractions is that they are usually short lived......so Pandora's box can be closed and real life as we know it, can continue.

I need a male perspective on this - infidelity-2

Infidelity 2

Is it really cheating if you haven't discussed exclusivity?

Is it really cheating if you don't know if you even have a relationship ( f--king or otherwise)?

Is it really cheating if the catalyst for so doing belongs to someone else?

Is it really cheating if you need the distraction to strengthen you for what MAY come in the future, after the patience game is exhausted?

Have you really cheated if he doesn't find out?

Can you close the Pandora's box once you've started down this path, or does one case of infidelity lead to another and another into perpetuity?

Destructive Behaviour

In our row the other day he told me that I had been far from patient in this matter.....now you understand why I was so pissed right. The thing is, he was only confirming that which I knew to be true but couldn't help acting out. Being patient was never, and sadly I am beginning to think will never be, a part of my suite of talents. Patience for me means no interest....being able to be patient means there is no fire....no fire means there is no need to fight.

I have an old flame in the Queen's back yard......I made the necessary contact and I will drown my sorrows in sin with him during my visit.....he was never very good, but I am hoping that time and age has schooled him in the ways of pleasing a woman sufficient to remind me of how wanted I can be...of my usual effect on the men I share myself with.

He's a sweetheart, that was the other problem between us, and I know this will fuck him up, he will think there is a chance after this.......I always had him wrapped around my finger and could get away with murder with him.... and I will deal with the consequences after I get back.....I don't want the responsibility, but I need the feeling of a man wanting me so much it hurts....I need this validation, that I still have IT.....and ths way I won't have to add to my number......I know its selfish, but its the only way I know how to demonstrate patience......cause patience for me also means that I will lose interest, this will help me to break free from my sentence to foolishness.

?Men

I am convinced men are idiots. Seems I am having a weird couple of weeks with pretentious men. I had an acquaintance last week try to woo me with his Benz, and this week some buffoon flaunted his "credentials" at me in hopes that I would what? ......fall at his feet? Crazy people.

I am not easily bought, a smile may do it, a good deed even better, but never have I measured a man by his ability to fill behind his name with letters. Don't get me wrong, I applaud anyone who tries to better themselves through education and I believe they deserve all the perks that comes with their achievements but come the hell on "credentials"??? What is that supposed to convey?....that you can support me if I open my legs to you?.....please....I can support my damn self...albeit somewhat haphazardly these days.......I don't need a man's money to validate me or become a term of my enslavement. Get some game.

When I lay you down and run my fingers and nipples over your groin, stomach and lips does your Phd, MBA, Bsc, BA, LLM, LLB help you to respond to me more articulately, or do you moan out expletives like the rest of us without them? That's what really gets me, and unless your credentials makes that bit of you rise to the occasion, it really doesn't come into play.

Be sensible guys, today's woman is a lot more than a pretty face, a sweet pussy or a baby with a daddy complex......we play those games sometimes because we have finally embraced and are confident enough in the power we wield........we require more from our men, much more....when you step to a woman, your 'things' won't get you too far....if you can't deal with the challenge, stay in your safety zone where little girls roam and have miseducated you into believing that these antics actually work.

Weighing on my Mind

So I am to be attending a Conference overseas later this month. Well, I am still praying that my paperwork will be rejected by the powers that be, but as it stands now, I'm the chosen one. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind...in fact, if this were last year this time, I'd have been ecstatic. Now, however, I am dejected....he will be there. In a time long ago we had agreed that this Conference was well placed to give an opportunity for exploration of 'us' but now....with all that has transpired....including a hell of a blow out last Monday night, I am apprehensive about attending.

I guess I don't trust myself to maintain my vexation when the possibility of having all access to the playground that is he is looming.....I would love to say that I would be aloof and strictly business but I am unsure. I do have a plan of action in the event that the word is yes though. I have a few friends there that I haven't seen in ages and I guess I could conscript them into blocking for me during the day....then all I have to worry about is at night, when the yearning and the ramblings in my head take over.

What if he makes a move? "Mi nah guh lie, mi weak, mi weak bad" so I may give in, but I would have done all things necessary up to that point to avoid coupling. Its gonna be a shitty trip because I would be flying back on my birthday....imagine 8 hrs on a plane when its your 'earthday'.....not that I am looking forward to getting closer to the grave....but it will be the first birthday since I started having sex that I would not be getting a little sumpn, sumpn, to start the day right.....you know.....a little early morning glory.

I guess I will have to deal one way or another....I sure wish I had better soft skills in this matter, cause I know my act will be discernible from a mile away, and he could take pleasure in watching me squirm.......but I gotta do it.....an untidy win is better than a pretty defeat.

Ramblings 7

I realized on the weekend that vices don't get rid of the pain.

I was captive to all my vices on the rainy weekend....fucking, smoking, drinking and flying off the handle..... they all only served to dull the pain enough for minimal relief......ultimately, as you drift back down from your climax, your demons stand face to face with you.... still yet unsolved.

You then have a choice, you can either light up, drink up or change to a 'backshot' position, to connect the feelings of euphoria, so that you have sustained "happiness" for a while, or you can throw away the crutch and lucidly deal with the problem. I opted for the former. Today, though, I will be a big girl and deal.

Flashbacks

I have been internalizing a bit of news that came to me on Tuesday night......an ex of mine called to tell me he was getting married......he always wanted to and I was genuinely happy ( I think) for him when he shared.

I've said before that I have had just 2 great loves in my life thus far (unfortunately both ran concurrently for a few years).......he was my first (on all scores) and it lasted 10 or 11 years, I forget.....we had fundamental differences and issues as well, but we always did pretty well in the bedroom so you know it probably lasted longer than it should have.....he had plans of us living together in wedded bliss but never seemed able to keep his dick in his pants, but I think I was the "wifey".....while the cheating hurt...a lot, at times.....it was dulled by the fact that I too was cheating and also that he never seemed to have anyone steady (that I knew of of course)....I prefer this, men are less likely to have unprotected sex with several girls so there is some security in having him gallivanting.......safety then is only threatened by a faulty condom or something like that. When, however a man seeks to carry on a relationship with another woman he's not gonna use a condom, and I don't care what he says......frankly the woman wouldn't stand for it, usually.....unless of course she too is involved in her own game on the side.

Anyway.....we shared a lot, he knows me in many ways, he quelled my temper for a time, and he had the sweetest, biggest, thickest dick you could imagine.....I was in heaven...he also had a wonderful personality, it complimented my own usually cross, angry and miserable, quiet, strong type self.....he was the life of the party. But it was his partying that unravelled us some what...when you are pushing 28 and all you still think about is partying, then something is wrong....yes he wanted the marriage thing....which as you know scares the living daylight out of me....... but he also wanted to continue to live the single life....it seemed. Anyway we were finally undone by the allure of the Big Apple, the promise of opportunity, the glitz the glamour and of course, the city which parties all night long......so we tried the long distance thing, him flying out, me flying up...we both fucking other people in between those times, and it worked for a while.....I loved him dearly (the taking the virginity thing was a bitch of a hold to turn my back on).....he was my baby....unfortunately, he was my baby who wouldn't grow up. So we parted ways 3 or so years ago....with some "linking up" when I travel to North America....as I said we had few difficulties in the sex department and I likes what I likes.


Why does it bother me though?.....this news of his upcoming nuptials.......he will always have a place in my heart but I don't love him and we haven't fooled around in a year or so....Hmmmmmm. End of an era maybe??????

A Matter of Confidence

I thought today about a rare commodity in this life....a commodity which rounds out the human experience whether positively or negatively....a commodity which defines great men and women and without which our ambition is but a whisper in the wind....CONFIDENCE.

The issue of confidence is a challenge to mold into a particular definition....it is the intangible manifestation of drive. But for as much good that redounds to those who possess it, confidence also prohibits the recognition and acceptance of realities.....confidence conspires within us all to create alternate realities and only the truly enlightened can discern when the drive for success is flawed and therefore requires adjustment for purposes of living.

Confidence is the antithesis of realism, which channels energy into our very psyche, our hearts, our souls.......demanding that you take the opportunities provided which are rightfully yours. There is no deterrent but self, no saving grace, it is difficult to undo once nurtured, it is the vein of existence and sometimes error thought.......possessing it can be harmful but not being so endowed is cataclysmic.

Reality Check 2

There is so much wrong with this world that it seems irredeemable. What baffles me is that some people seem unconcerned with the murder rate, the injustices, the sickness and all the other problems plaguing our humanity. I have always believed that world hunger could be ended with a million dollars being donated by all our entertainers, businessmen etc....that's one less Benz in the driveway, one less plastic surgery, one less expansive house you never use......one less jet, yacht, basketball court in the house and so on. Just give.....It doesn't have to happen more than once really, just give...something back/forward.

People are dying for want of food and health care, developing countries are submerged in squalor and debt to "first world nations", youths no longer care about living beyond 22, some video games continue to encourage and promote euphoria in taking a life and seeing blood spilled..... where is the responsibility, has the love of money replaced our hearts? Can't we see what's happening around us?

I would love to see more meaningful talks which leads to ACTION, not motivated by political and strategic alliances, or opportunities for raping a nation, but fuelled instead by the need to do unto others as you would have them do unto you....we should always remember that but for the grace of God, it could be you......I would like to see an end to the wanton hypocrisy of the G8 nations.......I would like to see each member of this earth taking the responsibility for each other and helping where we can.

A Battle of Wills

Intoxicated.....I am drunk with this emotion.......I stopped when the room started spinning, when my ears burned, when my eyes glossed over and my jawline throbbed....I knew what was happening but it had gone too far by then......the process had commenced and I was again failed by my own capacity to vent.

My response to a request to "even out my tone" was to indicate that my tone was in fact quite even.....and that this was a lesser evil and paled in comparison to the real thing.......trust me....with my brows furrowed and my silence belying my true feeling, I battled with self to hold my tongue and not let it do further damage to his senses.....until he told me I was too quick to ire and should rein in my temper, then I did what any "not thinking too clearly" woman would, I hissed my teeth and continued to defy.......and now I am left asking why:

1. am I always at the extremes of the poles when it comes to him
2. he couldn't just give me the reins and let me lead for a while
3. should I have to hold my tongue
4. can't I speak in prettier words when I am upset
5. am I filled with such passion
6. should I change...love me or leave me

Grrrrrr

Angry, Angry, Angry, Angry.......... Angry.

The Rise of an "Ego"

I commit from this point on to not make anymore commitments, because as sure as night follows day, my commitments to not answer his calls leads to an impromptu visit. He spent a couple of hours this time....thankfully, I was heavily guarded by my colleagues but there were moments when we were left alone and he tried the same kinda stunt like last week. I dodged though, but I am only human.....I gave in on the third try to embrace me, to kiss me, to whisper sweeeet nothings....so gullible I know, but I indulged myself.

He did not leave without pumping me for information about the new administration and the impact on our work and asking why I was so familiar with that guy on Friday. I thought "Que?" was overused so I gave the puzzled look and asked which guy? He shared that clearly I had wasted no time in finding a replacement distraction........I must admit to feeling a bit empowered by his jealousy, though it did dawn on me that being the player he was, he would be aware of the effects of such displays and milk it for all its worth. I explained that I hadn't seen him for a while and I had heard that he had done surgery, so a social hug was in order I thought. "So why did you have to do it when I was waiting for you"...."You were waiting for me?" I answered with as much surprise as I could muster.....In a rear display he told me to stop pissing him off....it was a day for firsts....is he finally loosening up......woohoo.

I went over to him, looked him deep in the eyes and whispered " You know I would never do anything to hurt you....right?" and then I kissed him...a deep lingering tender tongue lashing. When we came up for air I stated that though I ought not to be explaining myself to him, the gentleman was just a friend, a young friend at that, so he should know that I would'nt mess around with a guy under 38......though I knew this guy had always had a thing for me....(after all, he should have known that I don't give out hugs willy nilly)...... I also used the opportunity to indicate that I had assumed he was waiting to see my boss or something else. He was puzzled and I thought.... Yeah, let him deal with that display.

Score one for the ladies, only about 50 more notches to go.

Ramblings 6

I made it through last week...it was rough and with that near miss on Friday I am not too confident that this week will go any smoother. My trepidation grows each time there's a knock at my door, even though I know he wouldn't resort to the same tactic twice. I can't believe that I am this much of a wuss over this thing...thought I was one of those confident sexual beings that could deal in any pool.....I was wrong, life has given me lemons and I can't find my recipe for lemonade.

I am committed again this week to fighting all the forces of evil that are conspiring to f--k me up in this matter. Time alone will tell....now I know what Brian McNight was trying to capture in that song "...its been 6 months , 8 days, 12 hours .....I miss you so much and I don't know what to say. I should be over you, I should know better, but its just not the case......" Song writers, gotta luv em.

It's been 6 days, but I wish it were 6 months cause then I would be closer to letting it all go. Its been a busy day so far, not much time for indulgence.....he is never too far from my mind though...this I don't mind, cause ongle mi one know dat time, its when I get foolish and call that I have a problem.....I do wish though that there was a switch I could employ.

Thoughts 2

I am PMSing and so am reeeeeally depressed right now....it seems only yesterday I was sharing a post on this issue.....I guess time flies when you are well.....Not a good day as evidenced by my continued disregard for Caesar's time as I post updates to this blog.

I am thinking about a job change......this would be a good idea if only it wouldn't appear as though I am running away from myself, from him and now my boss.

I was stark raving mad on Tuesday, I won't go into details.....partly because I am a little embarrassed about my behaviour and partly because it shows how much I've not matured.......when I was growing up I had the worst temper you could imagine...people literally feared me....I fought...a lot .......in primary school (not sure what that is for the rest of the world but its where you spend ages 5 to 11 or 12) I would fight kids younger than me, older than me, boys, girls...you name it I would smack them silly if they crossed me...of course it helped having a big brother on the compound should the task prove too overwhelming.

This affliction carried over into my high school years, only I had replaced my fists with my tongue and damn did it sting. I even affected a teacher so much that at a PTA meeting she told my mom that she didn't like how I looked at her......she was right too, I didn't like her and it showed....she was a bitch......she couldn't fault my school work...but for French which I must admit to having being left behind in since second form (8th grade fro some of you).....but she would pick on me a lot....but I had a way with my peers and could orchestrate any interruptions to her class I wanted, so we played a game of "who's really in control" on many occasions.

Forgive me, I digressed....... as I made it through University however, and in my formative working years I became a lot more tolerant of people....it really would take something serious to get me pissed the way I used to......and I was glad for it....I had grown up...finally. A part of me always missed that me though.

Anyway, Tuesday I was so upset that I couldn't even mask it...I would pass people and instantly they would ask what's wrong......my young colleague was also unfortunate to have not picked up on the obvious signs...the errors of youth...and I lashed at him so much that I had to apologise and ask him to leave me be for a while....I was still vexed in the morning so I knew I had to focus energy on caging this self so that some semblance of normalcy could be returned...... isn't it uncanny that people see you and just assume you will take and take and take all their bullshit...... until one day you straighten them out and you are the one in the hot water because the person holds your fate in there hands.

For those of you wondering, I should interject here and say that it wasn't him who had pissed me off...it was a challenge to my intelligence and work image which spawned the monster. It was so bad that a senior colleague of mine when he came to check on me, felt safer to do so with only his head in the door for fear hat he wouldn't be able to escape if he had come in further......So yes...I was stark raving mad. I was saddened as I realised that i had not progressed as much as I thought I had in this area.

My other obstacle in this endeavour for change is that I don't interview well....I mean I reeeeally don't interview well. I get nervous and my mind goes to mush. I know I am a bit too old for that but its me, and I also know that the only way to get over it is to practice, practice, practice but man its hard. I have been thinking about starting my own company...I love cars and all the bits that make them up......I also love photography but can't take a good picture to save my life....and of course I haven't made my first $10Million yet so to leave work to study photography isn't an option......it would be nice though to feed my creative side for a change.....so many people I know manage to deal in both worlds, having their 9-5 and expressing themselves in one creative mold or another...for cash......but I was never a multitasker unless it has to do with sex...and that profession is not where I want it to be as yet...legalize it I say...legalize it.....make it respectable then I would have no difficulty...I would be out of here so fast it would make my head spin.

I need to move out of my boss' shadow though....we are two creative beings heading to a showdown......in a battle that I cannot win...she is brighter than a motha...effer...so my only option may be to carve out my own niche elsewhere. Did I mention that it would be good to also get away from this man...I don't trust myself around him...hell I don't even know myself around him.....Hmmmmm.

Almost Caught

The heart pounds, the mind rambles as you scan the premises for a good place....if only you could hide behind a former self.

You hope and pray he hadn't glimpsed you, you cross you fingers and toes in hopes that today would not be the day to deal. In an instant you convince yourself that you have escaped, you've made it, then as you are about to unveil yourself again, having hoped you had been successful in assuming chamaeleonlike characteristics and blended into the concrete, you realise that he's still there...waiting.

You can't turn back now....damn why didn't you drive over, you scold......the distance is lessening, what will you say, how will you act, ten more feet and you will have to swallow the lump in your throat and actually speak......where is your saviour you wonder, let something, someone, anything intercept him, intercept you.....it doesn't matter who or what.....You see a colleague you concentrate on moving him through telekinesis to your side...it doesn't work....you call out Hi.....he stops, thank goodness, you shake hands and socially embrace, and you realise that you are saved...you look over his shoulder and realize that he has gone....whew.

You think to yourself that that was too close.....and you hope that you will only have to deal like this on very few more occasions, until you are healed......for now you are calm because the coward you are lives to fight another day.

Truth

September 27, 2007

This is my moment of truth. I will release my shackled mind and unleash the worrisome ramblings trapped therein.

Its 9:19 at night , and I am almost there. One more day and I would have accomplished my goal. The fact that he hasn't called undoubtedly made it easier to get through this week, but the fact that I have sat on my hands and barred them from the telephone key pad has also played its part in making this sweeter...safer.

He hasn't called. All my thoughts have been filled with this reality. It was just a ploy.

I think I am safe? Right?.....Can he use Monday against me?......Did I give up too much ground?.....Did I show too much of me?....Does he now know how much I .......care. have I answered my own question? Is this the concretization of the end?

I am glad I didn't rush my actions this time...I did not seize the moment and make the second move. One more 24 hrs. and I will be able to, in a rare display, fly my victory flag instead of hanging my head in oppressed surrender.

Revelations

I was agitated upon entering my Office today....I had conversed with myself the better part of the pre-arrival period about my deadlines which had slipped and the cause for same, the anger I have been displaying without control and the need for me to return to a prosperous and productive self.

As I started my day, my focus was diminished by the the usual culprit and I was caught again exploring the contents of this blog. The phone rang and it dawned on me that I needed to actually get 10 things done today, and so I will, after this.

I turned off my air conditioning unit and was surprised at I what heard......I enjoyed a symphony being offered by the birds outside my window....it was a beautiful medley and I reflected on how sweet the simple things are in this life. I took a walk outside and observed the sky, the hills and the lush trees which surrounded me, and I thought to myself that I was blessed to be a part of this wonderful creation.

Better Must Come

I will try tomorrow to post something without expletives....I have waded in these waters for too long...comfort is setting in and with it an unmistakable reluctance to exercise my mind more to express myself. 'Til the morrow.....when the sun is high and I show yet again that I am unconcerned with showing respect for company time.

Perceptions

"perception obsolete

A victim of a mind trapped in a past time having an expectation leading to frustration.Outdated hidden images, a mind's rustic pages,requires full updating; a different understanding.

Take the distance that you now see,multiply it by a factor of three.Redefine the words you used to once describe the ones you choose to keep in the space of your mind and then, only then, will you find that the disappointment you consistently suffer will begin to lessen and be buffered by the logic of change that is so constant...constant!... and yet the mind is so scant in its dose of this factor, it continues to hold to a previous mold.

Force it to accept the inevitability,and feed it with reality".






I borrowed this poem from theraeven (can I legally do that?) Anyhow, when I first read it, it struck a chord....lets just say that its striking a whole string section now. I commented then that the concept of reality was vulnerable, and indeed influenced by how much truth our systems could manage.....as I have said before, we all have our little lies we live......it makes it easier to deal.


Now, however I am thinking I should leave no space for error, thoughts or otherwise, I will interpret it in its most literal sense so that I am somewhat saved. I am tired of interpreting stuff...its hard, and of course it hurts when you get it wrong. My Boogie always tells me that I am too consumed with trying to establish a world in which hurt from love is obliterated. I just think you can get hurt even when you are not in love so why complicate it and open yourself up for worse pain......the cool breeze that is Love can sometimes be a freaking hurricane, so why not beware?

I thought last night about how much I had allowed myself to forget about the beginning of love......it simply hurts too much......the uncertainty, the misconceptions, the knowledge that the ground you had is slipping......the anger....all are parts of the hold of love......but this is not what I want....


I have searched high and low (maybe not so low) for a bed buddy.....someone to mess with on those days, someone who does not stray into your thoughts unless its about getting a little sumpn' sumpn', someone who shares an understanding of our places in the scheme of things........someone I can undress when Boogie is being a son of a bitch over whatever...someone I have absolutely no connection with...is that so bad?

Breakthrough

Wouldn't you know it...the day I decide to stop taking his calls is the day he decides to flip the script and pop in for a visit. God Damn It. I am getting tired of the games fate continues to play in this matter. Yep, today was my day to deal face to face.

Its amazing, in my thoughts and certainly in this blog I have been able to articulate what I want to say to this man, but somehow when he is near I think of his feelings first....how silly....I wished I were angry, because then I wouldn't have to try to find pretty words and ways of saying them, I could just be me and let loose the string of unsavoury 'enunciations' which would echo behaviour unbecoming of a 'lady'. But nope, I wasn't that girl today....I was a wounded bird.

As he sat beside me half hour into his visit teasing my brain with mundane work related issues......which I now realise was a feeble attempt to steel his own nerve.....I felt my anticipation build...I expected the worse. My blood pressure rose and I could feel a headache coming on, as he delved deeper into matters of State and all I could think was that he had something BIG to say. I let him ramble on however, "cause mi did a try play it cool". In a weak moment I made eye contact and was perplexed by what I saw in the depths of his eyes and I knew that he was here to say the "fuck off" I had requested, wanted , pleaded for.

When he started a fifth matter I lost patience. I asked that he stop for a minute, and tell me why he was really here, because the matters we were discussing could have been dealt with through a letter of some sort. I realised that my tone was betraying the depth of my anger so I took a minute and asked if he would like something to drink.....he said yes and I left my Office (happy for the reprieve) to organise same.

When we were watered I looked at him and said "Well, lets have it". He looked puzzled but I brushed it away thinking he was just being unnecessarily cruel. I was aware that my colleagues would soon return from lunch so if it is that I would be crying after he had said his piece I would need room to deal without anyone really knowing (we tend to work very closely, from the same Office even, when the work heat is on).

I told him that I had never imagined that any situation would leave him at a loss for words, so lets not try to waste any further time. He stood then and for a moment he scared me just a little. He took the seat next to me and asked where I found time to devise all the error thoughts I was able to deliver. I was thrown off. "Que", I asked. He went on to ask how it was that I had nutured my skepticism to so engulf me on this matter. "Que"...I asked again. Why are you so pigheaded, he blurted out. Needless to say, I lost it.

The string of combination expletives erupted from my mouth as if I were possessed by a tractor trailer driver who was fathered by a sailor. "What the fuck is wrong with you" I ended. "Isn't it enough that you have fucked with me for so long and gained the upper hand each time....give me a motherfucking break"...I added. I sounded crazy, even to me......thankfully my inner voice stemmed the melt down and I asked him, through clenched teeth, and glazed over eyes, to give me a minute. I recovered and was a little more coherent....I simply told him I had had enough....I couldn't deal....I can't get what I want, no, he wont give me what I wanted...so I wished to wave my white flag and surrender at this time.

There was silence......

He took my hand, and I reluctantly let him. In a mild attempt at lightening the mood, he said he was happy to see that the fire in me was not yet extinguished. He kissed the back of my hand, and I could feel my anger give way somewhat to a different fire. I yanked it away.....I asked him to just say what he wanted to say and go. He cupped my chin and lifted my head so that our eyes could meet....he shook his head and said that he was sorry he started this...my heart fell, and I could feel the tears gather in my eyes but I knew I had to be strong. ....the last thing I wanted was to also have him witness me crying.

He said he knew from the first day we met that I was someone he could have a deep connection with, and that he had succeeded in not placing himself at risk for so long, but that night....as we spoke about life and love and lust, he knew that he couldn't stop the flow. He was mindful, he said though, of the fact that I had shared certain tenets which guided my life and near the top of that list was my not wanting to get involved with a married man again. He said he respected that so he knew he had to put the brakes on.

I took advantage of the pause to tell him to go fuck himself....to think that he could pull bullshit like this and have it appear as though this battle has not been one sided was insulting to me, and I told him as much. I asked that he desist from painting a fucked up picture which was aimed at ensuring that after telling me to fuck off, he would have erected a revolving door through which he could always waltz. Be straight with me I asked. I saw hurt in his eyes as he rose to his feet, he looked at me and shook his head again, and said goodbye.

My relief was short lived as I realised that he had still managed not to put an end to the matter. As I gathered myself and prepared my mind to battle through some real work, I could no longer hold my tears. I fought a good battle though, and was doing well until I saw his number light up on my phone.....I rejected the call. He called again 5 mins later, and I did the same. While I regained some level of conscious thought sufficient to take me through some of my projects.....I heard a knock on the door. Like a reflex I asked the person to enter.....it was him... I jested and gave an exacerbated retort "always have to give the knife that last turn right".

"Ms....." he started, " I could have left things as they are, but I will not". He moved so quickly then that I was wrapped in his arms before I knew it.....did I ever tell you that he has a strong and powerful tongue and kiss?........well he does so I melted into it and him with much hunger. We devoured each other and I found my hand straying to that familiar place...but he stopped me then....he hiked up my skirt and pressed his body against mine and I could feel his arousal.....God I wanted to give in and just fuck him on company time in my Office with a door to which I had no key.....God he felt soooo good, he tasted soooo gooood......In the heat of this moment my phone rang and I knew that special ring (its amazing how men know when their pussy is about to be given away), it was my Boogie.....I was distracted then and released me very shakily.

I answered with as much control as I could......"yeah babe", I said hoping it would sting him.

He mouthed goodbye and I gave him the "how could you" look. He took a pen and scribbled something and left it on my desk......I read it and was saddened as I saw the "I WANT YOU" inscribed thereon. The tears welled up again and I panicked not knowing what it all meant. Was this a new beginning or the concretization of the end